Kids are gross. If you've been around them for any amount of time you undoubtedly know this already, but sometimes it bears repeating just how gross they can actually be. Whether it's newborn poop up the back or your tweens' newly-arrived body odor, it seems like each new stage comes with its own unique brand of yuck. And sometimes, the sheer absurdity of the grossness has to be shared so it can be appreciated by parents across the land. One mom's recent viral Facebook post took it to a whole new level when she described a recent outing to the park with her kids.
Brittany Nichole Berry's post started out in a familiar way—a mom with two kids in tow finished up a run and stopped by a local park so the kids could blow off some steam. It was a totally normal park day and things were going great...until they weren't. "At one point Sadie goes down the slide and then walks in front of me and I see "wet" shorts. I think, 'okay she's peed out of her diaper, no big deal,'" the mom wrote on Facebook. "I go get her to change her and the closer I get the more clearly I smell that it's not pee. Still, not a big deal, what's a poopy diaper? Then I start to change her and I realize it's a poop-trophe."
Parents know what a poop-trophe is even if they're not familiar with that particular term—it's the kind of catastrophic poop that doesn't do what poop should do and stay in the diaper. No, it's the kind of poop with a mind of its own that seems to defy the very laws of physics. "I start cleaning her up and there are only FOUR wipes. This isn't a four wipe kind of poop it's pressure washer or open fire hydrant kind of poop."
As Berry was searching for more wipes, she says her daughter was standing "naked in an empty (thank God) the parking lot, with poop up her back in her hair, down her legs to her knees, even on her shoes, because taking her clothes off did not go as smoothly as one would hope." Turns out, Brittany had just cleaned out her van and in doing so showed us just why we should actually never, ever clean out our vans.
As she continued in her fruitless wipes search she heard a sound that every parent knows. "Then I hear it.... that painful SQQQUUUEEEAAAKKKKK of skin getting stuck to a plastic slide on the way down. I look up and yes, of course, it's Sadie. She's going down the slide, butt naked, COVERED in poop, leaving a long skid mark of poop allllllll the way down on her way."
Knowing she should cut her losses, Brittany scoops up the poop-covered naked child, wraps her in a blanket, then grabs the clean child, straps them both in and heads for the hills.
Because she has one kid at home with a possible stomach bug, Brittany refuses to leave a "slug-trail" of possibly virus-ridden poop on the slide with the potential to start a neighborhood-wide outbreak, so she dashes home, grabs the disinfectant wipes, and heads back to finish the job. "Easier said than done," she says in her post. "I got the bottom and the main top easily, but the middle of the slide I could not reach. I tried to climb up it, but was unsuccessful. Keep in mind I'm REALLY out of shape and just ran a mile and a half. It's 90°, I'm WEAK, uncoordinated. To say I was struggling would an understatement."
And yet, she persisted. "Eventually, I get the brilliant idea to go down the slide and wipe as I go. Instead of risking a head injury I decided to go down feet first, on my stomach, holding on to the side to slow myself down with one hand and wiping with the other. This was not easy. I did not look elegant or attractive, I'm sure."
Satisfied that the job was done, Brittany turned around to find a family watching her. "I dunno how long they were there. I never heard them pull up. They never got out of the car. I genuinely think that we're afraid of me, after all, I was an overweight seemingly childless adult, on children's playground equipment."
But y'all, that's not the end. Brittany looked down and realized that her shirt is now absolutely covered in poop, so she did what anyone would've done in the moment. She considered all the alternatives: Poopy seatbelt? No thanks. Ticket for driving unbuckled? Nope. Injured in an accident because she wasn't buckled? Not an option.
So she took off her shirt and drove home in her bra.
I think we can all agree that this mom went above and beyond. We do hope she had a nice glass of wine that night...after she bathed herself, her kids, and disinfected literally everything, of course.