Mom stops drinking after tough love from her kids

Sara Paulson is a former FLORIDA TODAY reporter and editor who recently wrote and released a mystery thriller, “Boomerang,” published by Sinister Shadows Publications. The book, while fiction, touches on alcohol abuse, which Paulson, a mother of two, admits was something she struggled with and led her to quitting alcohol and joining a recovery support group.

Now more than four years sober, Paulson recently talked about the tough love her children provided her that convinced her to give up alcohol, particularly after an all-night bender that led to one of her children tearfully begging her, “Mom, please stop drinking.”

As part of National Mental Health Awareness Month, the Space Coast Health Foundation asked Paulson and her 21-year-old daughter, Kristen, a student at the University of Florida, to briefly discuss Sara’s drinking and how it impacted them.

Kristen: Do you remember your first drink of alcohol and how old you were?

Sara: I think I was about 16 or 17. I had one friend who was “popular” and somehow, “nobody” me was let into the party in the woods with her, where kids had a keg of beer. I had at least three beers that night and I immediately loved the buzz I felt. However, I didn’t do that a lot in high school because my father had scared the hell out of me. He’d once told me that if I screwed up and got into alcohol even once, that was it. So I was very hesitant to “party” unless I knew I was sleeping over or somewhere where I wouldn’t get caught.

Kristen:  At what point in your life did alcohol consumption become habitual — and then abusive?

Sara: I tended to date older guys when I was in my late teens and early twenties. They had access to alcohol. So, I would get to drink. It was also a time where I didn’t regularly get carded, especially if I was with a boyfriend. Access to alcohol was easier back in the early 1990s. But I drank with one purpose – to get a buzz and feel better. I felt like I was a loser in high school, especially after some significant bullying I took my senior year. Those feelings of inadequacy followed me into my twenties. But when I was buzzed or drunk, I started to feel that I was “worthy” enough to simply exist in the eyes of others.

Sara: OK, my turn. You were young but very perceptive. Could you see I had an issue with alcohol?

Kristen: I kind of normalized it in my head because I didn’t know what was going on. When I started making more friends, I saw that their parents didn’t drink as much or at all. I remember one time in elementary school, someone bringing these silly (wrist) bands to class and there was one of a wine glass (it was really a shovel, but I thought it was a wine glass), and I was like, “I have to bring this home to my mom.” Other kids were like, “Don’t you want to bring her a flower silly band?” I didn’t really understand.

You just kind of seemed more relaxed when you were drinking. And I’d think, my mom is “extra fun right now.” As I got older and I saw you like that, I would feel uncomfortable.

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Sara: Did you ever hold back from telling me that I might have a problem?

Kristen: When I was younger, no, because I didn’t understand there was a problem. I normalized it because I grew up with that. As I got older, I realized that was not that healthy. Towards the end, when you would get drunk, I would think, “Oh great, here we go.” You were just drunk. You wouldn’t really act that different, but I would become more worried.

You weren’t mean, but I worried maybe you would hurt yourself. When you were in the hospital after cutting your face, I thought it was because you just tripped.

Sara: Did my situation change your view on alcohol? How?

Kristen: Yes. When I was younger, I would make jokes about getting drunk because I didn’t understand, but that was because how I saw you — excessively drinking all the time.

When it got closer to that one night, I remember telling my friends, “I never ever want to drink. I don’t want to become like this.”

When I was 16 or 17, you would just act so not like yourself. I did feel embarrassed of you sometimes. Sometimes when you would sober up, you would express regret. Once I got to college, I was very scared the first time I drank at a party because of you. I was very strict on where I would drink and what I would drink, because I knew I didn’t want to let that happen. I knew the alcoholism gene ran in our family.

I feel very lucky. I don’t feel the need to drink all the time. It’s kind of a come-and-go type thing.

Sara: Did you ever think about calling me out, or were you worried I might die because of it?

Kristen: Not until I got older. A little bit. I learned too much of anything is not good for you. I would think, “This is a little scary. It made me nervous to talk to you about it because it had been in your life for so long.”

It was clear you “needed” it to cope with stress and everything. I didn’t want you to hate me if I told you to stop.

Had you continued to drink after the last incident (an all-day drinkfest that ended in an impromptu “party” at our condo that led you to stop), it would have severely impacted our relationship. I remember that night, after I put you to bed, I was so mad. You kept saying, “I’m so sorry.” But I didn’t want to talk about it.

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Kristen: Do you ever worry about me abusing alcohol? What would your message be to me?

Sara: Yes. I know once it gets a grasp on you, it’s so hard to even think about putting it down. But I know that you are so much better of a person than I am — and way stronger. You have seen too much pain in your formative years, from the way I behaved and the terrible example I set for you. You have been so brave and strong, living in a home with rampant alcohol abuse, getting through two frightening heart procedures, watching your parents divorce, the pain and treatment involved with your juvenile idiopathic arthritis, and watching our beloved Heather battle and eventually succumb to cancer. (Heather was Kristen and Jacob’s bonus mom, their father’s life partner for seven years until her death.)

I think you will be okay. When I was your age, I was regularly abusing alcohol. And regularly getting drunk. You don’t, and I am so relieved. My message? Keep checking how, when and why you drink. And if you ever start seeing yourself needing alcohol to get through life’s ups and downs, know it’s time to ask for help.

Kristen: Joining a recovery group seems like a hard, but necessary first step. How hard was it for you? And did it eventually get more comfortable to share and progress?

Sara: It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. But after my last bender, I knew I really screwed up. My therapist (who had been encouraging me to quit for years) called it a “near-miss.” I was scared to death I was going to have you and your brother taken from me. That was enough to scare some sense into me.

I can’t really go into the details of the support program I joined, as their organizational policy is not to talk to the press or promote their services. I want to respect that. But I will say there is absolutely no way I could have quit drinking on my own. I needed those meetings (and a sponsor, who helped me through the initial bumps when I thought I wasn’t going to make it). I lived for them. There, I knew I wasn’t alone. But I did not like introducing myself with a label. That still kind of bothers me. However, since I am comfortable enough to publicly share my difficult journey, I have come a long way. Yes, this is really embarrassing to admit to the world. But I know there are others out there who need to see this right now. And I hope our story inspires a similar change in other families struggling with an alcoholic parent.

You can contact Paulson via SJenniferPaulson.com

This article originally appeared on Florida Today: Mother's Day story about love and sobriety