My Mom Keeps Trying to Force Expired Thanksgiving Leftovers on My Kids

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

How do I keep my mom from serving expired foods to our family? It is now a solid two and a half weeks post-Thanksgiving, and my mom is still trying to feed my 2-year-old Thanksgiving leftovers! I’ve tried a compassionate approach, sneakily throwing out old food, and showing her the FDA food guidelines, but none of it seems to convince her that it isn’t safe to eat. She refuses to freeze food within the safety window and gets upset with me when I refuse to eat or serve food that is five or more days old.

I know it comes from her growing up food insecure in another country, and I try to be as patient with her as I can, but I put my foot down when it comes to feeding my child food that may make him sick. What else can I do?

—Grossed Out

Dear Grossed Out,

I know it can’t be easy for someone who was conditioned and raised in an atmosphere of food insecurity, but that doesn’t change the fact that eating expired foods can be dangerous. Clearly you don’t want to be mean to your mom, but if you’ve already tried being patient and compassionate about her background, sometimes being direct and blunt is what it takes to get a point across.

When she gets mad at you for refusing to eat her old food, firmly state, “This is not a negotiation. I am not going to eat any food that I feel is unsafe for me and my son, and that’s final.” She may be hurt by your words, but if she wants to break bread with you in the future, she’ll have to learn to change her ways. Tough love can be quite effective to send a message.

In the meantime, continue to show her FDA guidelines and explain the impact of foodborne illnesses, because I’m sure she doesn’t want either of you to be sick due to her handling of food.

Submit your questions to Care and Feeding here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.)

Dear Care and Feeding,

When women ask me, “no children?” I say “wasn’t in the stars” just to breeze past the question politely. Sometimes I tell the story, broadly, about how in the end it would have involved science. I am tired of telling the story. I wonder why I must do the work, to read the room and conjure a way to answer this question to begin with. Is it not placing on me the expectation that women are meant to be mothers? When you lead with the question, I feel uncomfortable, bothered, tired of retelling, explaining, justifying. I listen to your personal stories of struggle with your own children and find ways to relate through the rich and layered relationships I share with my family. The point is, we all struggle. Kids are amazing and wonderful and not for everyone. Other people do not typically ask. I am beginning to feel that this question must stop being asked of us at all. At the very least, a more organic approach would be nice. Is there not another aspect of our identities that we may explore as we get to know each other as individuals?

—To Each Their Own

To Each Their Own,

I know you may think it’s a little weird for a man to answer this question, but I want to offer my perspective with a quick story. It’s currently the holiday season and everyone drinks alcohol nonstop at the holiday parties I attend. I used to have a bad drinking problem, but I’ve been sober for the past 7 years, and I constantly have to deal with people offering me drinks. Early on, I would tell people about my issues with alcohol abuse and create a story in my head before I went to any social gathering. Nowadays, I just use the direct approach and confidently say three simple words, “I don’t drink.” Doing so eliminates any follow up questions, and I’m left to have a good time for the remainder of the evening.

In terms of your decision not to have children, I would move away from the “wasn’t in the stars” stuff and gravitate to, “I’m happy with the way my life is and I don’t want children.” If someone follows up by saying, “You don’t know what you’re missing!” or “Everyone says that until they have kids,” then you can simply say, “Again, I’m happy with the way my life is and I don’t want children.” The second time will get them to back off.

The cool thing is more adults are choosing not to have children than previously, so you’re definitely not alone. Hold your head high and remember that you don’t owe anyone an explanation for what you choose to do with your life.

· Missed earlier columns this week? Read them here.
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Dear Care and Feeding,

I’ve raised my 7-year-old son to say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas, because I feel like it’s the most inclusive thing to do. This infuriates my in-laws for some reason, and they constantly scold him to say Merry Christmas instead. They’re coming to spend Christmas week with us, and my husband thinks we should tell our son to say Merry Christmas around them to not ruffle any feathers. My thought is for my son to continue doing the inclusive thing and have the in-laws get with the program. What do you think?

—Not So Happy Holidays

Dear Not So,

I am 100 percent on your side. It’s wild to me that your husband is worried about not ruffling his parents’ feathers, when they have zero issues ruffling the feathers of his own young son. Newsflash to them—not everyone celebrates Christmas in America! They need to stop being so childish and self-centered and realize it’s ok not to mention Christmas by name all of the time.

Tell your husband that his plan isn’t going to fly, and that you’re going to raise your child to stand up for what’s right, even if it makes people upset. If your in-laws try to correct him, tell them, “I’m raising my son to be inclusive, and that’s the way it’s going to be. You’re free to leave if you have a problem with it.” It’s high time we start putting people on notice for behaving like fools, and you can start now.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My in-laws are very wealthy and have a ton of disposable income. My husband and I aren’t wealthy by any means, but we both have good jobs, and live in a nice neighborhood. In other words, we’re your typical upper-middle class family. We have two sons (8 and 11), and every year for Christmas, my in-laws go crazy with the gifts. We’re talking thousands of dollars of gifts combined. I don’t feel comfortable with this, because I feel that it’s teaching our kids to become materialistic. Last year, I told my in-laws to only get them one big gift each and they ended up ignoring me. This year I’m going to tell them the same thing except for I will donate any additional gifts to charity. Is it rude of me to do that or should I hold my ground?

—To Gift or Not to Gift

Dear to Gift,

I have little patience for people who don’t take my wishes seriously—especially when my kids are involved. You gave them a directive last year and they ignored it. This year, you’re telling them what will happen if they ignore you again. They can “mess around and find out” if they want to, but they can’t blame you for blindsiding them when those extra toys go to charity.

If they insist on wanting to give you kids more than one toy’s worth of cash, have them put the extra money into a savings account, college fund, or even pay for a vacation somewhere.
They should know that if you truly are an upper middle-class family, you probably don’t even have the room to store thousands of dollars’ worth of gifts every year, so you most likely ended up donating a bunch of stuff already. You are absolutely doing the right thing here; stand firm and hopefully your in-laws will get the memo.

—Doyin

Some neighborhood kids set up a community rock garden on the side of the walking path near our home. Judging by the writing on their sign encouraging others to add rocks and join in the fun, they’re in elementary or middle school. My 2.5-year-old son was so excited to contribute to the garden and used some markers to decorate a couple additions. Unsurprisingly, they’re not exactly pretty, but he had a lot of fun with the activity and couldn’t wait to deposit them in the garden. Well, they must not have made the cut for one or more of the kids, because we’ve now found them in a nearby gutter … twice.