Mistakes People Make When Dining In A Large Group, According To Etiquette Experts

Karla Walsh
·7 min read
56

The text conversation can wait…and other wise words from manners pros.

Whether you’re a table for 1, 4, or 12, dining out at a restaurant is a treat. A night off from meal prep, cooking, and dish duty—and a way to ensure that everyone can order something they enjoy without the need to be a short-order cook yourself? Win.

But as we covered in our guide to rude things people do at restaurants, even solo diners and small groups can dampen the mood for the staff and surrounding guests. The plot thickens as your table grows. Of course, the basics like “no elbows on the table,” “don’t shout,” and “arrive at least 30 minutes before closing time” still hold true for large groups. Beyond that, to be a delightful diner in the staff's eyes and a terrific dining partner, keep these pro pointers in mind, and avoid these common mistakes that many people make.



Meet The Experts



Taking Over Too Much Territory

Space-wise, it’s important to read the room. Keep the footprint and seat availability of a restaurant in mind as you choose the venue for your group.

“I think four to eight is the sweet spot for group gatherings in the main dining room of a restaurant. Once you have 10 or more patrons at a table, it becomes difficult for everyone to speak with everyone,” says Thomas P. Farley.

Plus, it becomes difficult for other parties to snag a seat.

If you do have more than eight in your group, consider a private room where it will be easier and less disruptive to “table hop” to chat with everyone.  “Of course, in-home dinner parties are another delightful option for a larger group, though they do come with a substantial amount of work for the host,” Farley adds.

Ignoring The Pre-Dinner Bill Conversation

Be mindful that appetites—and budgets—differ.

Since this is the case, and since the definition of a “splurge” can vary so widely,  Jules Martinez Hirst recommends that the individual doing the inviting takes the lead. “The host needs to communicate with the attendees ahead of time so everyone is aware of the price point of the restaurant, whether the host is paying for the meal or the guests should bring money and what the parking situation is at the restaurant,” she says.

Then at the table, the host should communicate with the server the game plan before placing an order. Discuss with the server if you'll be splitting the bill evenly or inquire about if separate checks are possible.

Being Glued To Your Phone

Before you enter the restaurant, flip your phone to “do not disturb” so it doesn’t make any noises—and so you’re not tempted to check alerts. As long as there’s not a policy against pictures in the restaurant, feel free to snap a photo to chronicle the dish or your fellow table-mates if you like, then immediately tuck it back away in a pocket or purse.

“Phones should disappear during a meal when dining with others, and only be taken out away from the table,” says Myka Meier. "The moment one person takes out a phone, typically everyone else does, which can ruin the entire ambiance and can be distracting.”

Related: Is It Ever Okay To Leave Your Phone On The Table?

Overlooking The Order Of Operations

When it comes time to order your drinks and food, the host should again conduct, Farley says. Ideally, the host might kindly suggest to the server that the ordering starts with the guest of honor, the youngest or oldest at the table, or simply the person to the host’s right.

“Ideally, the ordering continues counterclockwise in sequence from there, until the server has once again reached the host,” Farley says. “This also gives the host an opportunity to fill in any perceived gaps in what the table has ordered, like, ‘could we please have a second bottle of that California Cabernet?’ or ‘let’s start with a charcuterie board!’ ”

Forgetting That Shared Plates Are Meant To Be Shared

If you do opt for a starter for the table or decide to split an array of small plates, aim to take a little less than your allotted portion (so, 15 to 20 percent of the total in the event of a four-person table).

Even if the dish is remarkably delicious, “gobbling well more than your share of an appetizer ordered for the table and going back for seconds and thirds before the plate has even made it to others is a mistake,” Farley says. “Each person should go light on their first serving, assuring everyone who wants to sample the dish has had an opportunity.”

If there are any individuals with dietary restrictions, they should get first dibs at the appetizers that suit their needs. (In other words, in an ideal scenario, the vegetarian diner would divvy up their portion of roasted carrots before others so they’re not left with only chicken wings and meatballs.)

Ordering Extravagantly—Then Expecting To Split The Bill

Say you’re the one who ordered that extra bottle of wine, or perhaps upgraded to the lobster mashed potatoes and blue cheese crust to go with your steak entree. If the group consensus was that you’d split the bill evenly, this is a major etiquette “oops.”

“Counting decimals and differences of less than $10 is generally considered to be petty. Ditto for breaking out your phone’s calculator to tally what you had versus your neighbors,” Farley says. “On the other hand, if someone at the table ordered a $60 gold leaf-adorned cocktail, the rest of the table should not be expected to pay for it ‘just because.’”

When possible, dining companions should consult one another on what will be ordered and attempt to stay in the same neighborhood when it comes to the number of dishes and the price point, according to Farley. This will allow for a fairly even monetary breakdown and will help the kitchen time the pace of courses more easily.

In instances where one or more people have had an objectively measurable larger amount or value of food and drink, they should offer to pay more. One easy remedy when you’re splitting the bill? For the decadent diner to offer to pay the tip for the table. Or tap into technology and Venmo each other to even things out.

Diving In Before Everyone Has Received Their Dishes

It certainly can be tempting to dive in fork-first when the aroma of a warm dish hits your nose—and it’s right in front of you on the table. But press pause on starting unless the one or few people who are waiting announce, “everyone, please go ahead!”

“If they don't say anything, you should wait until everyone has been served before eating,” Meier advises. From that point on, “try to pace yourself so that you all finish at about the same time,” she adds. This will allow all to avoid any potentially-uncomfortable differences in the flow of the meal.

Cranking Up The Volume

Being loud or disruptive is rude to other diners, Hirst says. Being boisterous in any way—whether you’re taking ages to decide what to order, altering your order after it’s already been shared with the kitchen, or are changing seats again and again throughout the meal—is potentially detracting from the experience of other restaurant-goers and will likely impede the staff’s workflow.

Just as being too loud can be a mistake, so can overlooking those who are too quiet.

“If you notice somebody near you at the table isn't talking with anyone and appears to be left out, invite them into your conversation so that everyone is participating,” Hirst suggests.

Tipping Inappropriately

Since large groups can take an inordinate amount of time for the server to manage and take up a substantial amount of reservation space, most restaurants will include an automatic gratuity on groups above a certain size. If you believe your server went above and beyond, feel free to share an additional tip, Farley says. An additional 5 percent to 15 percent is a generous move.

If it’s not included, 18 percent to 22 percent is a fair tip amount for dining in, Meier and Hirst agree.

Related: 30 Unspoken Rules Of Etiquette That Every Southerner Follows

For more Southern Living news, make sure to sign up for our newsletter!

Read the original article on Southern Living.