So You Might Want to Call Off Your Wedding—Now What?

From the vantage point of a Facebook album, marriage is a fairytale come to life. But the months leading up to the big day can be some of the most stressful and nerve-wracking a couple will experience.

Julie, 29, always sensed her ex had severe anger issues. But she was eager to get married and have kids, so she said yes when he proposed. She hoped she’d be able help him grow out of his aggressive behavior. But when they weren’t able to agree on anything during the planning process—wedding related or otherwise—it cemented what she had already known: They were not a good match, and nothing could fix that. Not even a wedding. Especially not a wedding.

Julie says calling off the wedding was the best choice she ever made. But for others, the decision isn’t so clear cut. Ashley, 25, thought about calling off her wedding the moment they got up to sign the ketubah. “Not because I didn’t want to marry my husband, but because I literally brawled with his mom and sister,” she says.

According to a 2013 study from The Wedding Report, 13 percent of engaged couples never end up tying the knot. Arriving at that decision is never easy, so here’s what you should consider about calling off the big day.

Trust your gut
Intuition counts for a lot. Julie says when she pictured herself walking down the aisle, it filled her with anxiety instead of joy and excitement. That was a telling sign. “You can dread family dynamics and lack faith in relatives to behave themselves for your sake, but you should not dread looking into the eyes of your chosen partner,” says Amanda Luterman, a psychotherapist specializing in sexuality.

Keep in mind, though, that having cold feet is not the same thing as being in an unhealthy relationship. “Most people have fears and basic degrees of nervousness about being disappointed by, or disappointing, their partners,” she says. A touch of nerves is totally normal. After all, you’re committing to a huge life transition in front of family and friends.

Identify red flags
When Julie’s ex yelled at her parents and continued to raise his voice in an intimidating manner, she knew she needed out. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, one in three women report having been abused by their partners at some point during their life, be it physical or emotional. Luterman says abuse, whether sexual, financial, emotional or verbal, is automatic grounds for canceling a wedding. Similarly, if your partner is secretive about their finances, do not marry them, she says. Same thing goes for a partner who puts you down or denies affection without being willing to work on it.

Tell your guests
Let your maid of honor or best man do the administrative dirty work. Have them notify your guests as soon as possible so they’re able to cancel their tickets and hotel rooms, or refrain from booking them altogether. If you haven’t gotten that far into guest list planning, notify a trusted friend or family member to deliver the news to your inner circle. “The most annoying part was getting [told] ‘Congrats’ months later and having to tell people ‘Thanks, but actually, no, I ended it,’” Julie says.

Go to therapy
When in doubt, get a professional opinion. Spending so much time with the same person can cloud your ability to evaluate your dynamic objectively. That’s why Luterman recommends counseling between the engagement and wedding planning no matter where you stand. A therapist might help mitigate the need to call off the wedding, or help decide whether that option is right for you.

Forget the cost
According to The Knot, couples spend an average of $33,391 on their weddings alone. And most vendors require deposits in advance, so some of that money goes down the drain even before you walk down the aisle. But don’t ride out a toxic relationship just to get your money’s worth.  It’s the “sunken cost fallacy”—which states that investments influence our decisions—that’s tricking you, says Luterman. “Remember,” she says, “just because you’ve been with someone until now, it does not make it right to continue to be with them. As painful as it may be for a time, staying unhappy forever is not worth invested time or money.”

Delay it
When calling it off doesn’t feel right, you can always reschedule. You deserve to feel that fairytale-level of happiness, even if that means waiting. As Luterman says, “Sometimes, delaying a wedding is the best thing to do while couples reconcile painful concerns.” When the time is right, you’ll really be able to focus on creating a meaningful, joyful day.