Michelle Buteau Helps You Deal With Friendship Dilemmas

Comedian Michelle Buteau answers reader questions about how to gracefully leave a party, talk to a friend about their mental health, and more

Michelle Buteau is a mother, wife, dog mama, actor, writer, comedian, and TV host. Her book of autobiographical essays, Survival of the Thickest, will soon be a Netflix series. She also cohosts the popular podcast Adulting on the Exactly Right network. With all this life experience, we trust Michelle's ability to navigate a number of social quandaries. Here's her advice to our readers in the November 2022 issue of Real Simple.

Have your own social dilemma for Michelle to solve? Tell us about it at modernmanners@realsimple.com.

GRACE: How can I leave a party without calling attention to myself, while still being polite and thanking the host?

MICHELLE: Grace, I heart this question so much! When I’m at a party, I personally love to go straight to the host, wait till they’re done with their conversation, and not only thank them for an amazing time but also let them know who I met at the party, how much fun their friends are, and which snack was my favorite. Party hosts really appreciate those little details. Let me tell you, Grace, I also love to host parties, and I’m always grateful when someone comes to me (when I’m not in the middle of three things) to tell me how much fun they had before they say goodbye. If I’m super busy and, let’s say, they have a train to catch or an early morning, it’s totally acceptable if they tell my husband goodbye and thank him instead. Now: No one needs to say goodbye to the whole party. I know people who love to do that! Oh girl, they just make a meal out of it, and it’s hilarious. They take more than an hour to tell everyone that they’re leaving while high-fiving and passing out business cards. We don’t need all that. Just a real simple goodbye to the host(s) will do!

MORGAN: I have a good friend whose life is not going the way she planned. She hasn’t had luck with relationships, has recently been fired from a few jobs, and struggles financially as we head into our mid-30s. She’s understandably dealing with some unhappiness, and I want to support her. What can I do?

MICHELLE: Morgan, thank you for reading the room. A friend who is thoughtful and empathetic is what we all need when we’re going through a rough time. Here are a few suggestions:

• Keep inviting her to events, dinners, lunches, parties. Having a safe space that’s fun feeds our souls. Joy is an act of resistance, so if you’re happy, she’ll have a light to look forward to.

• Perhaps you could find a book she’d enjoy. Something about someone who’s been in a similar sitch? Knowing that other people have had tough gos of it makes us feel less alone.

• A spa day never hurt nobody! We often feel like there’s never a good time to pamper ourselves, or we don’t deserve it, or it’s money that’s better spent on something else, or a bunch of other reasons. A gift certificate to a spa could mean the world.

Ultimately, your support is what’s needed. When I had really bad days, months, or even that terrible year, friends who picked up the phone to call me made a difference. You don’t even have to come up with solutions. Simply saying something like “I’m so sorry you’re going through this” will always be more than enough.

JODY: I’m a big hugger, and I love to greet friends this way. However, a dear friend wears a very strong and, in my opinion, not very good fragrance. Every time we embrace, it lingers on my clothing all day. How do I get around the hug with her? This is now something we’ve established, and I see her every day at school drop-off.

MICHELLE: Jody, I have totally been on both sides of this stinky issue, and it’s not fun for anyone. I’ve had to tell friends that my eyes water when they wear a certain perfume, and that it’s not them, it’s me—it’s an “allergic reaction.” Oh, and there was that one year when I was trying out natural deodorants. I would go from smelling like lavender to a red onion real quick. Friends and coworkers had some hard and fast convos with me, and they weren’t wrong. Anyway. It’s not easy to tell a friend, “You’re amazing, but your smell gives me a headache.” You don’t want to be rude or have your friend feel insecure. Go with that allergy thing or say you’re scent sensitive. Or just do an air-kiss at drop-off. Because you know what else? If you see this person on the daily, a hug is not necessary!

MAUREEN: My husband and I got married last fall. My close friend and her fiancé, who live locally, attended but didn’t give us a gift. She texted me soon afterward, saying she forgot to bring the card and had forgotten cards for a few other weddings as well. We’re in the same profession and she’s comfortable financially, so I know it’s not a matter of money, just forgetfulness. She told me she’d mail it out soon, but still nothing. Her wedding is coming up. We’ll be traveling, so our expenses will be considerably higher. Would we be petty not to give a gift?

MICHELLE: Maureen, this is such a predicament! While I do enjoy being a little Tom Petty (LOL, that’s what I call being petty), we ultimately have to meet people where they’re at. We throw a wedding to celebrate our new love with friends and family, not to see what gifts everyone’s going to give us. You have the gift already—your amazing relationship! It’s taken me a good long time to realize that some people will give gifts, some won’t. Some people flake out, and that’s OK. Because you’re traveling, this wedding wil be another expense for you, so you have an out. You can totally go to the wedding and not give a gift. That said, you do what makes you feel good. Figuring out your comfort level is the best bet. But I’ve gotta say, the fact that you’re asking makes me think you already know the answer.

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