Michael Cohen Paid A Company to Tweet About His Hotness

From ELLE

Hapless stooge Michael Cohen is back in the news again in a story that has everything: poll-rigging, a Walmart bag full of cash, utterly failing to accomplish anything, and a fake Twitter thirst account devoted to Michael Cohen's hotness. As has become par for the course with everything Donald Trump is connected with, this item is equal parts plot line from Scandal, outtakes from Veep, and a healthy dose of general WTFery. According to a report in the Wall Street Journal, in 2015 Trummp's former attorney Michael Cohen hired RedFinch Solutions, LLC to rig online polls in Donald Trump's favor. Already we're at a level of criminal self-owning that is making me lightheaded. "Don't rig the votes, just the polls. We only care about the appearance of winning! Think of us less as people and more as three ids in a trenchcoat."

Speaking of id and self-owning, Cohen also asked RedFinch to create a Twitter account called @WomenForCohen that was primarily devoted to tweeting about Cohen's hotness. Michael D. Cohen, future felon, really walked into a business meeting over some well-done steak and a lukewarm glass of Herb Ertlinger's fruit wine, and said "I need you to tell the internet I'm a zaddy." Please notify my next of kin because I have passed away from secondhand embarrassment.

The account, which seems to have appeared out of the blue on May 2, 2016, spent much of the summer alternating between tweeting faint thirst about Cohen and retweeting Diamond & Silk. In the fall, the account gets really into Cohen's temporary catchphrase/epitaph "Says who?" and then by the winter the tweets peter off, ending on December 28, 2016. In the words of Danny Zuko, the person Michael Cohen probably erroneously thinks he resembles, "Summer lovin', happened so fast."

Before we go back to the ham-handed criminal particulars of this RedFinch arrangement, let's take a moment to truly revel in the after school special hijinks of hiring someone to make a fake Twitter account to fluff your ego. Who thought of this plan, Minkus?

It's one thing to make a Finsta or an alt Twitter account that always likes your selfies, or, I don't know, retweets articles you write for ELLE.com with the caption "Who writes this stuff?!" for instance. But it's a whole other thing to actually pay American dollars to do it for you. Michael Cohen really handed over hard-stolen Hamiltons and Tubmans and was like, "Tweet me like one of your French girls."

The fact that Michael Cohen was able to exchange goods for these services should be enough to make everyone consider overthrowing capitalism.

What makes this unimaginable horror even worse is that Michael Cohen didn't even pay RedFinch what he owed them. According to the WSJ, RedFinch was contracted for $50,000 and Cohen gave Trump a hand-written reimbursement receipt for $50,000, but he showed up to his meeting with RedFinch holding a Walmart bag container $12,000 or $13,000 and a boxing glove.

From the team that would later bring you candelabras and cold McNuggets, comes roughly half your money in a re-used plastic bag advertising a blue light special. Literally no greater metaphor for this administration exists.

There is a certain deep poetry to the fact that Michael Cohen not only contracted someone to make a fake Twitter thirst account for himself, but then scammed the person who he contracted. What did anyone expect to happen? Above board dealings with some narcissistic criminals? Two Walmart bags full of cash? In this economy? Seems unlikely.

This morning, Cohen tweeted that the allegations of poll-rigging in the article were true and done at the behest of Trump. He neglected to mention anything about his ghost thirst account, however.

Here's hoping that when he testifies before the Committee on Oversight and Government Reform on February 7, 2018, Rep. Elijah Cummings devotes hours to pulling up every single tweet about Michael Cohen's hotness from @WomenForCohen, which is legitimately probably run by an intern, and poses the same question to Cohen over and over again: "Says who?!"

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