From megastars to minor royals: the jetset holiday tribes of 2018

For a while, it felt like holiday season would never arrive. As a nation, already this summer we have enjoyed the World Cup, endured the Brexit talks (a torture not constrained by the seasons, admittedly), shouted at Trump from afar, desperately tried to keep up with a news cycle that clearly didn’t realise it was meant to slow down during the hotter months and sweated through our work attire every day since April.

Here we are, though, finally at the point where half the nation – parliament included – will put their out of office on and disappear for a fortnight. 

But what kinds of people might be joining you abroad in the summer of 2018? There are always trends and tribes: you will remember the middle class rave revival of the mid-noughties, when the King’s Road decamped to Ibiza and somehow became even more offensive in a new setting.

You’ll remember when the entire remotely-famous collective heard about Dubai and all went there at once, for two years straight. And you’ll remember when David Cameron tried his level best to pretend he didn’t possess extraordinary personal wealth by holidaying a) in Cornwall b) in the same navy polo shirt every day and c) close to a fish and chip shop, so he could be seen man-of-the-peopling between some old ladies on a sea wall.

Ahead of the jetset season, here is your spotters guide. Steering clear of the lot is at reader’s discretion.  

Megastar mini-breakers

Pleasingly, some things never change, and people of a certain level of celebrity and wealth – AAA*-list, let’s call them – will always holiday in precisely the same way: by chartering the biggest superyacht they can, gathering 24 friends that could also work as professional models, and faffing around the Med for a week.

Earlier this month Beyoncé and Jay Z, along with their genetically-spoiled children, did just that, rented a 91 metre vessel for £1.1m per week. The Clooneys, Kardashians, Leonardo DiCaprio and the Beckhams all do the same thing, but none of them will go within a mile of a pauper on these trips, so don’t expect to see this tribe without either using binoculars or peering over the shoulder of a gargantuan bodyguard.

Where you’ll find them: Just off the coast of Monaco, Capri, Portofino or Sardinia. They’ll be the group on a boat the size of your street.

What they’ll be wearing: Designer bikinis, preposterously large hats, shawls that look like net curtains but actually cost £4,000. The usual.

What they’ll be saying: Given they’ll be three nautical miles from you and your peasant hotel, you won’t be able to hear them. And most of those yachts are soundproofed, anyway...

Holiday heirs

Thanks to Instagram, these days it is easy to keep up with the movements of a whole new group of European minor royals, and boy do they enjoy going on holiday. Take Princess Talita von Furstenberg of the German Princely family of Fürstenberg (granddaughter of Diane), for example. Since completing her first year at Georgetown university in May, the 19-year-old has been to Spain, Austria, Israel, France, Greece, and potentially many others she didn’t Instagram from. 

Her cousin, Princess Maria Olympia of Greece, a goddaughter of Prince Charles, is another. She’s been taking a well-earned rest with her brothers on a speedboat off the Greek island of Signos. And then, alongside them all, there’s Lady Amelia Windsor, the 22-year-old currently 36th in line to the British throne, who was at a festival in Bedford last weekend. You can always rely on the Windsors to keep it real.

Where you’ll find them: Mykonos, the Greek islands on which you don’t find riff-raff, their ancestors’ chateaux, obscure festivals.

What they’ll be wearing: Bohemian hair-wraps, crochet bikinis, boat shoes… maybe tiny little crowns? Ironically, obvs.

What they’ll be saying: “Ohmahgod such a shame Meghs had to delete her Insta and isn’t allowed to join us any more. Haz used to be an absolute nut job after a sangria or nine ha! They must be, like, so bored opening another museum.”

Political plotters

There was a time when politicians going on holiday meant we didn’t have to worry about them for a while. They’d be off, growing a relatable beard or harmlessly pointing at gourds in a farmers’ market. Then, last year, Theresa May changed the game when she became the most thoughtful rambler since Wordsworth, returning from a trip to the Swiss Alps with a general election up her strong and stable sleeve.

Her conspiratorial wanders are now the stuff of legend, and given she’s just embarked on a hiking holiday in Italy with her husband, Philip, we may need to brace ourselves. All year people have called for her to walk, and now she’s finally got the memo. 

If you come across her, just plead that she holds off until at least November. The rest of us deserve a break.

Where you’ll find them: Deep in the Alps, where no lobby hacks can overhear them.

What they’ll be wearing: The entire Millets spring/summer range, but with perhaps some designer sunglasses or a flash of leopard print to prove she is, underneath that steely exterior, just a fun-loving fashionista with a secret creative flair.

What they’ll be saying: “I have thought long and hard and come to the decision that to provide that stability and certainty for the future, we have to have an election, Philip. I trust the British people. They gave the Government a job to do in terms of coming out of the European Union and I’m going to be asking the British people to put their trust in me in ensuring we make a success of that. Again.”