This Reddit Thread Is Going Viral Because Married People Are Being Very Honest About How To Make Marriages Work
It goes without saying that being married is hard. While it is a rewarding and fulfilling experience to share your life with someone that you love deeply, it also comes with a lot of ups and downs.
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And recently, Reddit user u/Charming_Cash asked this question: "Married people of Reddit, what's something you wish unmarried people knew?"
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The thread went viral as thousands of married people replied with the things they have learned while being married. Here are some of the top-voted and best answers:
1."Common values matter way more than common interests."
"This is a really great way to say this. Just think of any interest you have, you attained that interest over time. You and your partner will each take on some of the other's interests over time, and some will stay your own, and you'll find others at the intersection of your interest neither of you might have tried alone."—EdgarAllenPorn
"Relationship where GF and I liked all the same shit, didn't have same values: fought constantly.
Relationship where GF and I liked none of the same shit, had 90% similar values: Best conversations ever, showed each other cool stuff, and found new amazing things neither of us would've thought of alone."
2."Getting married WILL NOT help solve any issues in your relationship."
"On the contrary, it is more or less guaranteed to make any problems you currently have worse."—inactiveuser247
3."The wedding is just one day and does not fix any issues. It goes back to the exact same relationship afterward. And if you're lucky, that's a good thing."
"This was what I wanted to say. The problems that existed before getting married will be there after the reception. Marriage doesn’t (and shouldn’t) change anything about your relationship.
I had a friend whose life goal at 14 was 'grow up get married and have babies.' That never changed. So she grew up, got engaged to the first guy that she could browbeat into proposing to her, and was married less than two years after meeting him. I visited a few days after the wedding and jokingly asked her, 'How’s married life?'
And I’ll never forget the confusion in her voice when she answered: 'It’s just like living together. I thought something would be different.'"
4."BABIES DON'T FIX RELATIONSHIPS! If you were struggling before then a baby is going to make those struggles even harder. Babies make fantastic relationships harder! Don't have a baby if you're having problems! Don't have a baby to 'fix' things! Don't have a baby to try to keep your spouse from leaving! IT WON'T WORK."
"I’ve always thought marriage adds extra pressure in the legal confirmation of you being together and the vows you make to one another.Children just add an extra layer of pressure where you have less time to devote to one another, so any small cracks that were in the relationship before will get blown into massive fissures which need to be fixed. However, if the relationship needed saving before the kids it is not going to last when they come along."
"One of my best life decisions was not having a baby with my first husband. He was sure it would 'fix' the relationship. I thought that would be a terrible exploitation of a helpless human being; it was up to the adults to fix our own problems first."
5."Compromise is not a sign of weakness. It is done out of respect for your spouse."
"Also, not everything requires compromise. Sometimes the answer is, you both do your own thing separately. Think about what the impact a decision has on you and your partner before going immediately into negotiations."—bumblingbirdy
6."You don't always have to argue or 'fight.' You're different people and it's OK to not agree on everything. It would be weird if you did!"
"I see a lot of people 'fighting' because they're always trying to get the other person to come around to their point of view. Accept that you're different and have fun together. In addition to loving each other, you should like each other."
"As an unmarried person, 100% agree. I’ve had a lot of people say stuff like, 'If you don’t fight and argue, it’s not a real relationship because you won’t always agree.' Like babe, let’s address why you think that disagreeing with your partner must always result in an argument. I get that sometimes people are frustrated and lose their cool, but from my point of view, you have to recognize when that’s happening because your partner doesn’t deserve to be berated or yelled at just because you can’t manage your emotions."—DeadByOtzStans
7."It’s not you vs. spouse. It’s you and spouse vs. problem."
"That not teaming up thing is often the root cause of divorce."
"This, one million percent. I've been married almost 20 years and I can honestly say I don't find marriage difficult at all. In fact, it improved my life in many ways (parenting is a whole different story, LOL). But that is because my husband and I work TOGETHER AS A TEAM 100% of the time. We do whatever we can to make the other's life better/easier/happier, etc. It was that way when we were dating, it's still that way 20 years later.In my experience, the relationships where this was not the case tended to be the ones that failed and/or are miserable. :-("
8."My heart always hurts when I hear people say, 'I gotta pin that man down' or 'I'm going to make him put a ring on it,' or other things implying that the woman is coercing the man into marrying her. If a man doesn't WANT to be married to me, then by God, I don't want to be married to him either! If he requires that much convincing, he's not the man for you."
9."A gracious heartfelt apology goes a long way."
"Adding on to this… Make sure to be accepting of heartfelt apologies as well.Grudges are never good in relationships. Learn to forgive your partner, especially when they’ve gone to the effort of apologizing and trying to be better."—P0ster_Nutbag
"Adding more to that… When someone admits they’re wrong, do NOT rub it in their face! That's exactly why no one will admit they’re wrong. Pride destroys everything."—Nutella416
10."Spending time with my wife is neither a burden or a chore. She was my best friend before we even started dating, of course, I enjoy hanging out with her."
"Dude, yes! I wouldn't have married my husband if I didn't enjoy spending time with him. Hate when my co-workers sit around shit-talking their spouses and I'm just there like, 'Cool, y'all sound toxic.' I actually like my husband and look forward to chilling with him every day."—cr0wj4ne
11."You can't find an instantly perfect match, you have to build it."
12."Getting married is easy. Staying married is hard. Get help if things seem too hard. My wife and I both carried a lot of childhood trauma into our marriage. A counselor helped us both understand that and gave us tools to handle it. We're sure would have divorced without the help."
"Your single problems will be your married problems. Marriage and your spouse can't fix you. Work on yourself as much as you can before you get married. For yourself and for your spouse."
13."Saying, 'Let me ask my wife' doesn’t mean I’m asking permission. We’re a team, we make decisions together. Also, if it’s about going to or doing something, I’m really forgetful and want to make sure we haven’t already made plans."
"My wife has a friend who just cannot understand this. She constantly badgers her about doing stuff my wife has not even had a chance to mention to me yet. We have two kids. We have to coordinate."—YourMumsBumAlum
14."Being married shouldn’t take away from having a good relationship with yourself."
15."Love is a choice. Once you choose to commit to your partner, choose to keep loving them. Choose to respond with love and compassion. Choose to put them first, and vice versa. There are definitely exceptions to this, like abuse and cheating."
"If you go into marriage with a self-centered focus and telling yourself you can leave if things get hard, then you will. Marriage isn't transactional, where if they don't meet your needs 100% then you should leave. Marriage really should be a partnership where you are both trying your best and recognizing that what your best is will vary based on your circumstances."
16."For the love of God don’t go crazy with how much you spend on the wedding day. It’s ONE day and it’s over in a flash. Try to keep costs down as much as you can — that money you saved can go towards a house or into savings for when you’ll truly need it."
"Also, the whole 'don’t go to bed mad' thing is absolute bullshit. Go to bed mad! When you have both slept on it you may see things in a different light and tensions have calmed.
"'Happy wife, happy life' is toxic to a marriage as well. You should be concerned with each other’s happiness equally. It’s a partnership."
17."Divorce is awful and terrible and painful. Before you enter into marriage, realize that the only way out (except death, I guess) is a very painful, public, and traumatizing experience. If you don’t truly believe you can make it work for the rest of your life, don’t do it unless you can handle the train wreck that is divorce."
"Flip-side of that same coin, divorce is incredibly expensive and you may find that it's not worth uprooting your entire life, living situation, and savings because of even the most severe of disagreements. Reddit loves to dole out 'just get a divorce' as advice, but if you have been married for a while at a certain point the practical answer becomes 'just deal with being unhappy.'
Be sure you want to marry that person because divorce isn't easy."
18."It's OK for your relationship to look the way you want it to. Don't worry about stereotypes or societal standards. If you enjoy separate hobbies, great. If you want to play video games together well into your forties-plus, go for it. As long as you're not being abusive towards one another I really do think there's no right or wrong way to do marriage. It took me a few years to realize I didn't need to fit some 'wife mold' due to the way I was raised and I'm so much happier now that we live exactly the way we want to."
And lastly...
19."It’s OK to use two blankets. No one likes to wake up with cold ass cheeks because your spouse stole the blanket."
"This was a game changer for us! We're both cold creatures but we both also like our space in bed. We'll cuddle for a few minutes then separate to our respective sides of the bed to actually sleep. We each have our own duvet and it works out perfectly!"
You can read the full thread of responses on Reddit.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
