What Is 'Marriage Language,' And Can It Actually Be Good For Your Relationship?
I, a grown woman with a career and an apartment, still refer to supermarket-bought parmesan as “shaky cheese.” It’s a nickname from childhood that has stuck for some reason. As a result, my significant other, because they are wonderful, always asks if I would like shaky cheese over my pasta. Don’t worry, it’s not a term we use at nice restaurants. In private, however, it’s shaky cheese.
Thanks to TikTok, I’ve recently learned we’re speaking “marriage language.” With over 33 million views and counting, #MarriageLanguage is TikTok’s latest viral relationship challenge. Set to funny music and using TikTok’s eyes and mouth overlay, couples are sharing the quirky labels and nonsensical terms they use to describe everyday items. Examples include a couple who refers to bubble baths as “t-t-tubbins,” another who says curtains are “flying blankies,” and one that calls toilet paper, um, “shib tickies.”
An overwhelming number are foods, like the couple who calls peaches “booty fruits” or the one for whom grapes are “gape,” chicken is “snicken,” pizza is “pisha,” almonds are “aljohns,” and grilled cheese is “grilled smeeze.” For another, water is “wawaneesa.” And then there’s the couple who simply refer to shrimp as “ewww.”
Although the moniker is new, the practice of marriage language isn’t, according to Valerie Fridland, PhD, sociolinguist and author of Like, Literally, Dude: Arguing for the Good in Bad English. “We’ve always found that people move towards each other in their linguistic habits. The more they engage with each other, the more their languages move toward each other,” explains Fridland. “Language is a fundamental bonding trait, so it makes perfect sense that we use it in our mating habits.”
Meet the experts:
Valerie Fridland, PhD, is a sociolinguist and author of Like, Literally, Dude: Arguing for the Good in Bad English.
Cara Gardenswartz, PhD, is a clinical psychologist and founder of Group Therapy LA/NY.
Terri Orbuch, PhD, is a therapist and the author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great.
Are you and a new boo already speaking marriage language, or are you perhaps part of a long-term couple who’s fluent? And beyond sounding cute, can this shared dialect express something deeper about your bond? Women’s Health asked three experts to explain what defines marriage language, where it comes from, and what it says about your relationship.
What is marriage language?
Marriage language isn’t a secret code, but it is a series of silly nicknames, inside jokes, and endearing phrases decipherable only to the two of you. And notably, you don’t have to be married to indulge in marriage language. “One component of many healthy relationships, married or not, is a special way of communicating,” says Cara Gardenswartz, PhD, a clinical psychologist and founder of Group Therapy LA/NY. “It’s about more than just having a shortcut for a word. It’s a way of saying, we know each other, we understand each other. It’s emotional togetherness.”
Although there’s no set “point” in a relationship when two people start speaking this shared language, it typically evolves alongside the relationship itself. “Overall, the more time you spend together, the more likely [you are] to develop this kind of secret language,” explains Gardenswartz.
“I don’t think it happens until you’re fairly secure in a relationship,” adds Fridland. “It’s not the sort of thing you start doing on a third date. It would have to be when the relationship has moved to the point where you’re really close and feel solid as a couple.”
Where does marriage language come from?
The entries in a couple’s marriage language vernacular can have any number of origins. “A lot of times it’s things we said as children, so they have that sweet, vulnerable innocence of family. It’s common we bring things from our childhood to other intimate relationships,” says Fridland. On that note, baby talk can also be a form of marriage language: “Again, it’s childlike, so it evokes that same sweetness and vulnerability.”
For couples who are also parents, their marriage language can also be phrases they pick up from their children. Fridland uses her own relationship as an example: Before her son could say the word milk, says Fridland, he called it “nuk.” To this day, Fridland and her husband still jokingly employ the term with each other. “We’ll be like, ‘Give me some nuk, I want some nuk,’” she says. “So often, it’s things you said as children or things your children say that you then mimic.”
Marriage language can also often spring from verbal slip-ups or misnomers. “A lot of times it’s phrases you make mistakes about or words you get wrong that turn into laughable moments,” Fridland explains.
How can marriage language benefit your relationship?
The word all three experts kept coming back to is intimacy. “It’s very intimacy-building and bonding and a fun, secretive way to communicate,” says Dr. Terri Orbuch, PhD, a therapist and author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great.
In a sexual context, marriage language can also spice things up, Orbuch adds. If you have arousal-inducing marriage language and want to let your honey know you’re in the mood, dropping a special codeword sends a clear message.
If you’re rolling your eyes reading this because marriage language sounds cringe to you, that’s perfectly okay. Happy couples aren’t necessarily this syrupy! Chances are, if one of you is into speaking marriage language, the other will be too. “Most couples who are well-aligned are probably going to be on the same page about it,” says Gardenswartz. “They’re each going to be a little mushy and vulnerable and want to do it or, if they’re both more reserved, it may not be their thing.”
Is marriage language ever a bad idea?
Unless you want to be that couple–the one who annoys everybody else by cooing to each other at dinner parties–keep your marriage language to yourselves. “Don’t bust it out at a social event,” advises Gardenswartz. “It’s inappropriate, and will probably make other people uncomfortable.” Fridland strongly agrees: “The whole reason behind it is that it’s private.”
That said, Fridland understands why so many couples are spilling their marriage language secrets all over TikTok. “We all want to see that others are like us. And when we take a step back and look at these kinds of things like marriage language, we can recognize these names are pretty humorous from an external vantage point,” she says. “Even though they feel very intimate and sweet from an internal standpoint, when we look at other people, we can go, ‘Oh my god, that’s so crazy.’ And it makes us feel good that we’re bonded with others with the same weird behavior.”
Good to know. Now, please pass the shaky cheese.
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