MAGA Trolls' Efforts to Take Down Robert Mueller Flame Out in Hilarious and Spectacular Fashion

Politics in 2018 is a nightmarish hellscape that is largely devoid of heroes, so let us take a brief moment to revel in the astonishing stupidity of one of its third-tier villains: Jacob Wohl, who you may recognize as the greasy 20-year-old doofus who pops up first in the replies below every other Donald Trump tweet. This delightful tale began on Monday, when the disgraced teenaged hedge fund genius posted a tantalizing hint about a major forthcoming news story: Special counsel Robert Mueller, the evil mastermind behind the insidious left-wing plot to take down Wohl's beloved president, has been hiding a dark past from the American people all along.

Alas, Wohl's prediction was a fervent bit of wishcasting, because it sure seems—seems—that he and his crew of MAGA-adjacent dorks cooked up the entire thing themselves. According to NBC News, several reporters were told in recent weeks that a mysterious individual had offered various women $20,000 to claim that Mueller, while an attorney in private practice in the mid-1970s, and engaged in some form of sexual misconduct. Independently of one another, those reporters determined that literally none of the relevant aspects of the story checked out, and so they passed along the tip to the special counsel's office, which in turn referred it to the FBI for investigation.

MAGA Trolls' Efforts to Take Down Robert Mueller Flame Out in Hilarious and Spectacular Fashion
In news that will shock you, a plot involving Jacob Wohl has some holes. Here's how it went down.

One of the entities linked to this alleged scheme—which, it bears repeating, is intended to take down the longtime director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation—is a Southern California-based outfit called Surefire Intelligence. This revelation was all the Internet needed to unspool Wohl's handiwork in damning and hilarious fashion. His email address appears in the domain registration records. As noted at The Daily Beast, LinkedIn profiles of purported Surefire Intelligence staffers used headshots of Bar Refaeli, Christoph Waltz, Sigourney Weaver's husband, and some poor pastor in Michigan. Its "head of government relations" works as a model for stock photos. And the silhouette of Surefire managing partner "Matthew Cohen" bears a remarkable resemblance to the shadow cast by Jacob Wohl himself.

Best of all, Wohl's efforts to cover the tracks of his smoke-and-mirrors investigative services agency did not extend past the phone numbers of his immediate family members. NBC News also discovered that a number listed on Surefire Intelligence's web site connected to a voicemail message that advised callers to try a second number, which belongs to...Jacob Wohl's mom. "Wohl stopped respond to NBC News," their report concludes, "after being told Surefires's official phone number redirects to his mother's voicemail."

Wohl's spin on all of this, which is ambitious in the same way that the Donner party's attempts to cross the Sierra Nevadas in November were ambitious, is that at least one of the women who states that they were pressured to lie about Mueller does not exist—in other words, that would-be liars seem to have some credibility problems. Thus, he concludes, this story proves the existence of a vast media conspiracy to discredit Mueller's accusers, who, again, have yet to emerge. And it is definitely not just another layer of evidence of Jacob Wohl's humiliating incompetence.

Wohl did not respond to my DM requesting comment, presumably because he has thrown all of his electronic devices into the Pacific Ocean and will never appear in public life again.