You Mad? How to Let Go of Anger for Good
Anger is a powerful emotion. Whether it erupts over a stolen parking spot or simmers long after a perceived betrayal that you can't seem to forgive, sometimes we surprise even ourselves with the behavior it moves us to. One moment you're happily tooling around the Target lot in your car, minutes later, your face is burning as you argue with the stranger who just cut you off. Or maybe you're at a family get-together, and the memory of something your sister-in-law said about you eight months ago sparks a salty, retaliative jab that brings all dinner convo to a screeching halt. Or, your partner drives you to the brink and you wonder if you actually hate them. You might find yourself wishing for a time machine, just so you can take a deep breath and try a do-over.
While you can't control your feelings, you can control your response to them, and for good reason. Mismanaged anger can poison relationships and darken your outlook on the world, to say nothing of what it does to your body: It releases stress hormones that increase your heartbeat and your blood pressure, puts you at risk for blood clots, and can even trigger a cardiac event in those prone to heart problems. Additional studies have linked chronic anger to everything from increased anxiety to reduced lung function.
Here are a few ways to let go of anger before it gets the best of you.
When your blood begins to boil, stop and step away.
You were minding your own business, but now someone's done or said something to tick you off. For the short-fused, those first few seconds after an inciting incident are crucial. An unchecked reaction can lead to a day-ruining mood, a verbal argument, or at worst, violence.
"The very first tool in emergencies, when possible, is to step physically away from the trigger," says Dr. Stephen Dansiger, therapist and author of Mindfulness for Anger Management. It's not an immediate "out of sight, out of mind" solution—your anger won't be diffused right away—but some (literal) distance is like a cool washcloth on a hot temper.
Stepping away allows your body's surging cortisol and adrenaline levels to subside, avoiding a toxic stress hormone cocktail that could cloud your judgment. Dansiger suggests taking a walk to "change the cadence of your body and your thinking."
Let go of a grudge with this mindfulness exercise.
If you can't stop stewing over the way someone did you wrong, even when days, weeks, or sometimes years have passed, you're only punishing yourself. Let go of the past by dropping into the here and now.
Dansiger suggests this exercise from his book: First, sit in a comfortable position. Close your eyes, or if you wish, leave them half-open and gaze at a spot in front of you.
Take three of the deepest breaths you can. "Notice the sensations of your body against surfaces, the back against your chair, feet on the floor, any other points of contact. Let yourself notice any of those points that feel grounded. If you don’t feel grounded, notice that with as little judgment as possible."
"Now bring to mind the person you wish to forgive. Notice any changes in your body sensations as you do so. When you are ready, in your mind silently say to this person, I forgive you for your unskillful actions that I felt to be harmful. I realize your pain is like mine. I forgive you."
Take a couple more breaths, again noticing any changes in your body. Repeat the phrase as many times as you need to, for as long as you need to.
Consider this parable from Eckhart Tolle.
In the August 2017 issue of O, the Oprah Magazine, Oprah shared how she learned to let go of anger and halt "the grinding replay of what was done or said" in her mind. She shared this story of two Zen monks from spiritual thought leader Eckhart Tolle's book A New Earth, which perfectly sums up the burden of carrying anger around with you.
Tanzan and Ekido...were walking along a country road that had become extremely muddy after heavy rains. Near a village, they came upon a young woman who was trying to cross the road, but the mud was so deep, it would have ruined the silk kimono she was wearing. Tanzan at once picked her up and carried her to the other side.
The monks walked on in silence. Five hours later, as they were approaching the lodging temple, Ekido couldn't restrain himself any longer. "Why did you carry that girl across the road?" he asked. "We monks are not supposed to do things like that."
"I put the girl down hours ago," said Tanzan. "Are you still carrying her?"
Oprah wrote that "listening, over the decades, to thousands of stories from people who couldn't release the past and got stuck in it" helped her to break the pattern herself, but it took years of practice.
Measure your "resting anger rate."
If you feel like your rage bubbles up on a regular basis (or, um, a loved one has told you it does), it's time for an internal audit. Evaluating your day-to-day anger levels will get you better acquainted with your own feelings, and you can better manage them accordingly.
"My main tool that I teach is the Anger Check-In Scale, where, over a period of time, we check in with our level of anger on a scale of 0 to 10 on a regular basis to see how it's always changing," Dansiger says. The goal is to find what he calls a "resting anger rate," familiarize you with your triggers, and learn exactly how much frustration you can tolerate on an average day. "When we do that work, we become less reactive overall."
Harness the positive aspects of anger, since it'll never leave your life completely.
Just as steam is converted into city-powering electricity, anger is like a natural energy that can be put to good use. According to Dansiger, people too often view anger and destructive rage as one and the same. In reality, he says, "anger is a normal and reasonable response to unmet needs. It sets essential boundaries, and by doing so, helps us to get needs met."
Often, anger is our internal voice screaming "I'VE HAD ENOUGH!" Instead of yelling that same message out loud, a more productive course of action would be to take a few deep breaths and then (calmly) state your piece to the parties involved. Then, give yourself the time to consider what changes are necessary to make that anger-inducing situation a thing of the past.
"When we're able to have an effective personal anger management program for ourselves, it helps us resolve conflict effectively," says Dansiger. "We can then be creative, real, and authentic." If you're steamed, Dansiger suggests channeling it toward something positive, whether it's resolving friction with a difficult family member or working to implement improvements in your community.
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