I’m in Love with My Best Friend of 10 Years. Is Telling Him Worth the Risk?
“I met my best friend shortly after college, and we’ve been totally inseparable ever since. During the course of our ten-year friendship, we’ve never been single at the same time—until right now, which is maybe what’s caused me to realize I’m in love with him. Is it too soon to tell him this (he just broke up with his girlfriend two months ago)? And am I stupid to risk a friendship, thinking it could be more?”
I wouldn’t worry too much about timing here since, as you note, you have to strike while the iron is hot and single. But before risking your friendship, I do think you should pause. After all, this relationship has been a mainstay in your life for a full decade, and trying to make it something more could throw everything you have out of whack, swinging the pendulum of power and causing him to wonder how much of the relationship has been built on authentic friendship versus misplaced desire.
To make this choice, I want you to ask yourself two major questions.
Has he ever indicated romantic interest in you?
You say that the timing has always sucked, and you’ve never been in a place to date each other. But humans have eyes, and you can usually sense some vibe over the course of time. Has he said benign things to indicate he’s thought about it? Think: “Gosh, Kate, anyone would be lucky to be with you; why do you date men like Jerry?” Or: “You’re beautiful! I don’t know why you worry about what your hair looks like in humidity.” You know, passing comments, with subtext. Or have there ever been moments when he left his hand too long on your back, or you just felt like he wanted to kiss you?
If your answer is no, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he doesn’t see you romantically. But, if it’s yes, it might give you clearer direction, and you can proceed to question number two.
How can I pose this in a natural, normal way?
It’s important that you convey how your feelings developed, not just that they exist. A romantic relationship that grows directly out of a deep, respectful, fun and supportive friendship is absolutely a good thing. But again, you must explain how and why you came to this conclusion. For example: “After my relationship with Jerry, I became aware of how supportive you had been through it all.”
He might have an instant reaction, or he might not, but don’t require an immediate answer; it could take weeks or months for him to figure out what he feels. Give him time to consider a potential new relationship, built on deep intimacy and friendship. Unlike the ghosting and game-playing you’ll find in modern dating, best friends require answers of and responsibility to each other.
And if he does return your affections right away, that’s great, but do me a favor and please, please, please do not sleep together STAT, lest he (or you) has a change of heart. (Ever try coming back to a friendship after sex? It ain’t easy.)
Still, if the signs are there, and you present this in the right way—from a place of confidence and compassion—I like your chances. After all, I’ve always been a big believer that the best relationships grow from friendships.
Jenna Birch is author of The Love Gap: A Radical Plan to Win in Life and Love, a dating and relationship-building guide for modern women. To ask her a question, which she may answer in a forthcoming PureWow column, email her at jen.birch@sbcglobal.net.
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