I’m Falling Deeply in Love. But I Can’t Stand to Look At Her Face—and Other Advice From the Week.
Slate publishes a lot of advice each week, so we’re pulling together a selection of our favorites. Here are a few of the most compelling questions from the week and links to hours of advice reading. This week: ex-husbands, and escorts, and career crossroads.
Conflicted Romantic: I am falling in deep love with a woman who I am not physically attracted to. Her mind, humor, and life goals are attractive but physically, we are not well-suited. Looks have not been the most important priority for me but I would be dishonest if I said it did not matter. Sometimes, I find myself looking away from her out of fear that my face will show what I am thinking. I am a clean-cut, and relatively attractive person. I don’t understand what this says about me. Are looks now unimportant? Is a potential relationship with this woman doomed to fail?
Christmas Grinch: My 25-year-old daughter wants to spend Christmas with her dad (my ex-husband), and I am hurt and angry with her decision, and don’t know if I should speak to her or keep the peace. Four years ago, her dad left me after 28 years of marriage. In the six months prior, our daughter, who had left home to go to college, broke down with anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. She could not cope on her own and had to move back home and had to leave her studies to go into intensive psychiatric treatment. She was devastated and so was I. When she was at her lowest, her dad blindsided me by announcing that he was divorcing me because he “was not happy and he thought he could become happy” (with his secret affair partner of a couple of years, as I soon found out). Asked what he thought that timing would do to our daughter, he replied “Oh I haven’t thought about her at all,” and then he left.
To say that I hate him would be an understatement. The divorce was acrimonious, and I came out of the marriage with nothing thanks to my sly ex. My daughter got better with a lot of help from me and doctors and is studying again, and to help reduce the risk of her breaking down again, I pay her rent and living expenses from my meager salary, leaving me with next to nothing, while her well-paid dad contributes nothing. Now my daughter has announced that she wants to spend Christmas with her dad (and his affair partner) and her grandparents. I am so hurt and angry by her decision and feel all my sacrifices are taken for granted, while her absolute villain of a dad gets the love and family time he does not deserve. In my weakest moments, I want to withdraw my financial support and let her realize what she can get from her dad (but that would make me the cartoon villain), and at my best I feel like I have to continue supporting her without expecting anything in return. What can I do to feel better about her decision?
Not Used to This: My husband and I are in our late 40s, having been married for 16 years and together longer than that. We both recently and completely separately got promotions at our respective jobs, which means a sudden huge boost to the household income and a serious urge to celebrate. We managed to get the kids to spend a weekend with their cousins and decided to party it up while they were gone. Part of that partying involved hiring an escort. I don’t want to reveal where we live, but this is perfectly legal where we are, as long as you do it through an agency. A very nice young woman, let’s call her “Daisy,” came over shortly before noon and stayed until maybe 20:30. There was a lot of sex, and everyone enjoyed themselves. But there is one part of it that gave me a little pause.
It was getting near suppertime, and while my husband and I had broken off to eat a bit, Daisy hadn’t had anything except some water she had brought with her. We were planning on ordering some food and asked if she wanted anything, especially since she hadn’t eaten since at least lunchtime. She got this almost frightened look and said she wasn’t supposed to take food from clients. But then, about a second later, she said she would like some vegetable rolls but we absolutely had to promise not to tell anyone. We do this, order the food, and she practically tears those rolls apart. Again, she asks us not to tell anyone before she eventually leaves later on.
I want to be sex-positive and support sex workers. And I hope we didn’t make some kind of faux pas or caused some kind of trouble for Daisy. But it was strange and didn’t make any sense that she couldn’t eat on the job, especially if we were feeding her. And, I mean, we had her over for almost nine hours—of course she’d get hungry in the meantime. What exactly is she supposed to do? Did we do something awful that we should try to make amends for?
Crossroads: I’m at a crossroads in my career and could use some advice. Currently, I’m in a role with Company A, which while not perfect is pretty good. The possibility for long-term growth is there and the benefits are great. The pay could use some work—I still live paycheck to paycheck despite a management role—but we get two small bumps annually. Bonuses are arbitrary and not goal or sales-based. Company B is trying to poach me and I’m looking at a significant five-figure increase in my pay.
However, Company A is well-established, has been in business for 50 years and the brand sells itself. Company B is new, has no baseline and I’d work myself probably near to death for the next three to five years to get it established in a very competitive market, probably missing my kids’ formative years (they are 3 and 4). That being said, I’d be able to start saving more, my husband would be able to quit working and stay home full-time, and we could do more as a family like travel and have experiences, unlike right now because money is so tight. I’m honestly torn because the money is good but I’m not sure about leaving such a strong base. Help!
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