‘I’m a divorced woman in her 40s with a fun and varied sex life. Is this OK?’
Dear A&E,
My ex-husband and I divorced three years ago after 15 years of marriage. The children split their time between us and it’s not as awful as I thought it would be. Last year I thought I’d try Hinge – not because I am particularly looking for a life partner, but because, having married at 24, I wanted to give casual dating a go. I’ve had so much fun and, to be honest, more and better sex than ever before – with a few different men. But the more fun I have, the more I seem to be involuntarily asking myself “Is this okay?” which makes me feel weird and as though I’m doing something wrong. Am I?
– Unsure
Dear Unsure,
We have all been brought up with such a powerful narrative around the many ways that we, as women, should feel ashamed of ourselves that we are not at all surprised that you are doubting your decisions. Saddened, but not surprised. Indeed, this corrosive, patriarchal narrative (Harrison Butker would, presumably, approve) is so noisy that, if there ever happens to be a void – a moment when no one else is shaming us, judging us, telling us we are used goods, over the hill, that we are cheapening ourselves and that no one will ever want us if we persist; telling us that we are a terrible example to the children we do not deserve to have – we fill the silence by telling ourselves all of these things.
It can be hard to buck against an indoctrination, played out over millennia, that we are blooms that must be plucked at an appropriate moment. That we must be stainless and morally irreproachable to be worthy of love. But ‘moral’ means something very different to what it once did, when applied to sex and relationships, doesn’t it? It means don’t be cruel, perhaps, or don’t deceive. Not don’t have good sex in mutually respectful and private circumstances. These days, a woman of questionable morals is more likely to have something to do with PPE than shagging. You’d think so, anyway. Sigh… (but not a sexual sigh, you understand. God forbid).
It’s easy to fight this in abstract, as a kind of female collective: we now know that we should not be policed about our bodies or our sexual choices. But, as an individual, experiencing a recurring long, dark night of the soul – as we all do – all the training comes home to roost and we find ourselves asking, “Is this okay?”
Here’s your answer: Yes, Unsure, it is okay. It is better than okay, actually. It is healthy and happy. You tell us in your longer letter – edited above – that you are following safety guidance for meeting people on dating apps and are having safe sex with the ‘few’ men you decide to sleep with. We just don’t give ourselves the same shame-free permissions that we give others. What would you say to your best friend or sister or – to labour a point – your brother if they found themselves in your shoes and came to ask you “Is this okay?” Would you say, “No! You are disgusting. Being divorced is bad enough but now this? Sex? SEX? I don’t know what you think you are doing but whatever you are doing is absolutely not okay and I don’t want to hear any excuses.” Or might you respond with something like: “You are doing nothing wrong. In fact I am proud of you for trying new things and for embracing life after a difficult time. Please continue to be careful, because human bodies and human hearts are strange and intricate things, but know that you have nothing to be ashamed of.”
It is also often useful to remember that we are all entitled to a private life. That we do not owe a blow-by-blow account to anyone. This is no one’s business but yours. Your children are well-looked after at their father’s when you go on dates and, as long as you can look yourself in the mirror and know that, for today, this situation is working for you and harming nobody then you are golden.
This says nothing about your future: you are not destined to have casual sex forever (unless you want to). In fact, if anything, this tees you up for a more serious thing should you ever decide that you want one. Because you are in the arena. These things can be much harder from a standing start. The only thing that your current situation says about you is that you have desires and that you are brave. You have not been intimidated (dating is scary) into sitting back and hoping a masculine miracle finds you while you watch serial killer documentaries on the sofa, virtuous though many would judge that stance.
Ignore the echoes: the shame that speaks to you is not yours to carry. It belongs to other people. Let them keep it.
