What to Say to a Loved One Going Through Pregnancy or Infant Loss—and the One Phrase You Should Avoid
When Chrissy Teigenreleased an essay last year detailing the heartbreaking experience of losing her son Jack at 20 weeks, it was an important reminder that pregnancy and infant loss, which is still fairly taboo in our society, is something we need to talk about more.
"Loss in general is a difficult topic in our culture, so it only makes sense that infant and pregnancy loss are even more taboo," says holistic pyschotherapist Alison Stone. "Grief is somehow simultaneously universal and deeply personal and lonely."
Dr. Lise Deguire, clinical psychologist and author of Flashback Girl: Lessons on Resilience from a Burn Survivor, adds that people often think that because the baby wasn't born, it's not as painful as other types of death.
"For parents who were happily expecting and dreaming about their baby, perinatal loss is excruciating," she says. "That pain gets compounded by people who minimize their loss, or people who avoid acknowledging their loss altogether. So many parents keep silent about their grief, because others don’t seem to understand what they are going through."
Long story short: The pain that comes with pregnancy and infant loss is very real, and it's something we highlight during the month of October, which is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. If you know someone who has gone through it, you probably know it's important to support them—but you may not know how. Here's a guide to get you started.
Acknowledge it
In both the case of pregnancy and infant loss and other types of grief, people often avoid bringing up their loss. It's not that this comes from a bad place, it's that they don't want to upset the grieving person by bringing something up that they may not want to talk about.
"The truth is, parents who have lost a baby are already upset," says Deguire. "Bringing up their baby’s death won’t upset them, because they're already in pain. Actually, bringing up their baby’s death will usually help them feel like you care."
Related: What is a Rainbow Baby?
Take the pressure off
Stone notes that she loves how in Teigen's essay, she said her favorite messages started with "you don't have to respond to this."
"This statement takes the pressure off the individual who's suffering," she explains. "Saying something as simple as 'I'm thinking of you' is typically a safe bet. Also, know that there is likely not much you can do or say to truly take away the pain from someone who has suffered this kind of loss."
Just reminding the person that you're there to listen if and when they want support is helpful. Deguire adds that it can be helpful to say “I’m so sorry you lost your baby.”Or even,“Would you like to talk about the baby? I’m so sorry. I’m here if you want to.”
"You can also make the same gestures that people do for other deaths," she adds. "It is helpful to send food, or to send a card, or just to call and keep in touch."
Related: Hilaria Baldwin Opens Up About Suffering a Miscarriage
Avoid certain cliches and phrases
While it's better to say something than nothing at all, there are certain things you can say that really don't help.
"Avoid cliches like 'your baby is in a better place,'" says Sanam Hafeez, a New York-based neuroscientist. "That can cause someone to feel angry, because 'the better place' would be alive and well with them."
Deguire adds that people also tend to minimize the loss, and that a phrase like "oh, you'll have another baby" can really hurt.
"While this may be true, it doesn't undo the pain of this lost baby," she explains. "Other people might say, 'It’s better this way. If the baby had problems, it’s better that that the baby died.' That is really not something to say to parents who are grieving. It only minimizes their pain."
Related: Beyonce Shares What Her Miscarriages Taught Her
How to help loved ones deal with content that maybe triggering
Essays like Teigen's are important in furthering the conversation around pregnancy and infant loss, and writing it was likely cathartic for her. But for someone who has gone through it—no matter how recently—her words are likely triggering.
Whether you're the one who has gone through it or you're close to someone who is, remind yourself that you don't have to read it—or look at the photos she posted from that painful day.
"Contrary to popular belief, we do have some control over what media we consume," says Stone. "If you are currently in the middle of your own healing process and find something like [Teigen's essay] too triggering—which is totally understandable—I would simply hit next. Instead, make sure you are doing everything you need to do in order to heal, be that therapy, support groups, or reprioritizing self care practices."
Next up, read these 100 pregnancy quotes.
