What’s Your Love Language? Find Out Yours for a Better, Stronger Relationship
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If you’re looking to break a relationship rut or simply want to learn how to love your partner in a way they’ll better receive, you might be asking yourself: “What are the five love languages?” The truth is that falling in love is often fun and easy, but building and maintaining an intimate relationship involves conscious effort. Understanding and even changing the way you show love to be more in line with the five love languages can improve your relationship by aiding in communication and overall satisfaction.
The idea of love languages was popularized in 1992 by Gary Chapman, Ph.D., in his bestselling book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. The book outlines the five ways we express and receive love, and is thought to be the key to healthy, happy relationships.
As the book details, there are different ways to express and receive love, and each person appreciates certain types more than others. Just as speaking English to a person who only speaks Spanish will spur lots of confusion, speaking the wrong love language is a sure way to get your intentions lost in translation.
“I think it’s really helpful to know what your love language is so that you have an understanding of what you need and how you best receive love,” explains Erica Turner, L.P.C., a relationship therapist and dating coach. “It can help you better understand when you’re feeling unfulfilled, frustrated, or let down or disappointed by your partner.” Understanding your love language (and your partner’s) can also help solve those relationship woes by allowing you to determine what you both need to feel fulfilled or find conflict resolution.
Ahead, discover the five love languages and how to use the concept to strengthen your relationship, according to relationship experts.
What are the 5 love languages?
“The five love languages are preferred ways in which we would like to be shown love. And these are preferred ways and preferred methods for receiving emotional nourishment in a relationship,” explains Vagdevi Meunier, Psy.D., licensed professional psychologist, certified Master Gottman Therapist, and founder of The Center for Relationships. What is important to understand is that we are not limited to identifying with just one love language. “Everybody tends to fall a little bit higher on some of them and a little bit lower on some of them,” Meunier adds.
The five love languages are:
Acts of service
Receiving gifts
Quality time
Words of affirmation
Physical touch
Acts of service
This is a love language “where actions speak louder than words,” Meunier explains. “So basically, acts of service has to do with how well somebody takes care of their partner’s physical and environmental needs.” A person who identifies with this love language appreciates being shown through their partner’s actions how much they are cared for.
Some of these actions usually include “taking something off their plate, or going out of your way to do something for them,” Turner adds. Examples consist of household chores, taking the kids to school during a busy morning, picking up the dry cleaning—“anything actionable, with the message being, ‘I care about you,’” explains Turner.
Receiving gifts
For those whose love language is receiving gifts, they feel most special when receiving a “heartfelt physical representation of how much a person loves you,” Meunier explains. It may sometimes be confused as materialistic, but it is truly the thought that counts here. After all, it’s more about the meaning of the gift and not about the price tag, Turner adds. “It’s about the gift being a symbol of how well I know you, how much I like you, and listen to you.”
Gifts can be small things like flowers or candy, or bigger things like fancy jewelry or a car. At the end of the day, “Gift giving is about really demonstrating your love for somebody by giving them something you know they would appreciate,” Meunier explains.
Quality time
Quality time refers to “uninterrupted focus, or time together with no distractions,” explains Turner. “It’s about prioritizing that time together,” and truly giving your partner your attention, connecting on an emotional level, actively listening, and being engaged.
It’s often helpful to plan these instances of quality time. Turner suggests setting up a calendar invitation for your partner or building that time into your weekly schedule. It can be anything from going out to dinner, to a game night, to watching a movie together.
Words of affirmation
“One way to define [words of affirmation] would be words of appreciation or words of praise,” Muenier explains. It’s any sort of verbal, or even written, communication that shows your partner how much they are loved and why. “Think about how to give somebody words of affirmation that are about their being…that have to do with the personal qualities that this person brings: how generous they are, how kind they are, how smart they are, how flexible they are, how gentle, kind, or compassionate they are,” Meunier notes.
Turner suggests leaving notes for them in their work bag, giving them thoughtful cards “just because,” and taking the time to verbally acknowledge the things about your partner that you are grateful for and the things that you love about them.
Physical touch
If you feel comfortable, loved, and secure when you’re physically connected to your partner then physical touch might be your primary love language. It is about “using your body to express connection and love,” Turner explains.
Actions include things beyond sexual intimacy, like making an active effort to hold hands, hug, kiss, snuggle on the couch, give a massage, or anything else you and your partner enjoys in terms of physical touch. Meunier warns that physical touch can sometimes be “risky” though in the sense that for it to be well received, “It has to be appropriate, it has to be timely, and it has to be of the intensity and of the kind that your partner likes and appreciates.”
Love language test: What is your love language?
To figure out your love language, you’ll want to ask yourself about the things that are important to you and the things that make you feel most appreciated, valued, and loved. Maybe hearing your partner tell you “I love you” makes you feel better than when your partner surprises you with gifts or the other way around. Learn about each of the love languages and see what sounds like what you appreciate most—and what you don’t particularly care for.
Both Tuner and Meunier also recommend taking the love language quiz developed by Gary Chapman on the 5 love languages website to better understand which love languages speak to you.
It can also be helpful to understand, “Why does this matter to me so much in the first place?” Turner explains. “For many people whatever they value the most, whatever makes them feel most loved, is something that probably was lacking long ago growing up in childhood.” Maybe you didn’t receive many hugs as a child, so physical touch became a primary love language for you today. The same may also be true for your partner.
Meunier suggests having open, honest conversations with your partner by asking: “What’s the best way I can show you my love and appreciation?” she says. And usually, your partner will be able to give you some concrete examples that will likely fall under one or two of the love languages.
The benefits of understanding love languages
Understanding and implementing love languages in your relationship helps to guarantee that you and your partner are “going to feel more satisfied in the relationship,” Meunier explains.
So if both people understand their own love language and their partner’s love language, they are going to “feel more taken care of and more satisfied, because they are going to see the way their partner shows love, and appreciate that,” Meunier explains. “And then they are going to see the way their partners [stretch] to show them love the way they want to be shown love. And they are going to appreciate that even more.”
But it’s a bit deeper than merely understanding each other’s love language. “In the love languages, all of them, knowing your partner and knowing what lands for them turns out to be quite important,” Meunier adds.
The acts that fall under each love language become amplified when those acts demonstrate how well you know your partner. So merely giving a gift is not as important as giving someone a gift you know they would enjoy, and giving your partner words of affirmation about their appearance may not be as appreciated as telling them how much you appreciate them.
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