Love Island week 6, recap: a triumphant walkout, more sunburn and a clumsy attempt at intimacy

It’s been 40 days and 40 nights on Love Island and fatigue is settling in. The goodies are still good – Jack and Dani – but I am, increasingly, doubting Jack’s decency, even as Dani fantasises that they will get a dog out in the real world, as the villa on Love Island falls into the sea taking civilisation with it.

This week Megan the porn goddess decided to make straight hairline Wes – I really have no other way to describe him - her boyfriend. 

 This, opposed to the man she French kisses each night on camera, under the gaze of  an audience wanting to watch strangers kissing on ITV2 catch-up while eating takeaway pizza.

Boyfriend is a very serious title on Love Island, especially for a girl like Megan, who used to be a stripper but found it too spiritual. (I surmised the last part).

It was fascinating. She went all coy and girly, like a child with a lollipop made of hairline. Then she asked him.

Wes, who can’t believe Megan’s figure, and doesn’t seem to notice, or care, what she says from inside her figure, said yes, instantly.

I can’t believe that a man like Wes would hold onto Megan outside Love Island, but perhaps I am being cruel to the hairline. Then she giggled and pouted and said, “I love you”.

Then she said she didn’t mean it. Then she changed her mind. Megan is not scared of pole-dancing. But she is very scared of intimacy. Wes merely attacks it, like a man vaulting over an Audi Quattro.

In other news Charlie, the “socialite” – it’s code for “prat”, because this is Essex-on-Med and “grafting” is admired - told Jack of Jack and Dani that his family sold their catering company for £400 million. Jack could barely disguise his loathing.

He doesn’t make that as a pen-seller; in fact, as he remarked to Charlie, that is more money than Justin Bieber has, yet Charlie has done nothing to deserve it.

Charlie, who looks like a male Caroline Flack, then pondered whether he should tell his Love Island mate Ellie, or just the viewers of ITV2, and everyone on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.

Because he never knows, he whined, if women like him for himself (unlikely) or for his ability to buy bottles of champagne to waggle over his head like horns (slightly more likely, but only slightly).

I suspect he will tell her of his dragon gold when he dumps her after Love Island. He seems that sort of socialite.

Alex the middle-class doctor hangs on grimly while other, lesser men would have maimed themselves or run away.

His sunburn has receded slightly, his accent is more Essex than it was last week, and he is still hoping – or rather expecting - to find love because love, as a straight white middle-class man, is what he deserves.

He is on his fourth female – she is called Alexandra – and he exhibits the same appalling clichés and boring questions as he always does whenever love beckons a gnarled finger in his direction.

I hope he won’t be too shocked to discover that he has become a poster boy for the Incel (Involuntarily Celibate) movement when he leaves Love Island.

There is something very odd about Alex, and I wonder if he would benefit from having his own Reality TV show called After Love Island so we can get to the bottom of it.

Love Island 2018 contestants: The full line-up

There was something close to real tragedy, but only close. Samira Mighty, the smartest and best girl in the villa, walked out of reality TV.

She’d had enough. She’s had almost 40 days of watching less hot, less smart women make easy, potentially lucrative relationships – they all think they will get media careers, that is why they stay – while she had nothing promising until last week.

That is a long time to be alone inside a television by yourself. Her new mate Frankie was dumped by public vote from the island on Tuesday and she wept real tears – I knew they were real because her eyeballs glowed red - and she muttered angrily, and righteously, about the unfairness of it all.  Two days later she left.

Samira Mighty spat back at the reality TV beast and I was cheering. It’s a shame she didn’t take it with her.