What to Do If Long Summer Weekends Make You Feel Super Lonely
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Sunday scaries are a real thing, but anxiety hits me especially hard the week before Memorial Day. That’s because there’s a three-day holiday on the horizon, and like with most big, social times, I have zero plans. So I scroll through old text threads, seeing if there’s somebody I might hit up. More often than not, I don’t reach out. Perhaps I don’t want to appear desperate. If they really wanted to see me, they would have invited me by now, I somberly tell myself. Then, once the weekend arrives, that nervous pit in my tummy turns into heavy, whole-body sluggishness when I see endless posts of airport mimosas and family barbecues. As a single 34-year-old woman, I never feel more alone in life than I do on a summer holiday weekend.
I often think I’m the only one who feels this way, but this experience is actually common, Elizabeth Lombardo, PhD, a Chicago-based psychologist, tells SELF: “You see people at the beach and going to fun places with friends and family. You might think, ‘I'm a failure. No one cares about me.’” (Cut to me nervously gulping in this interview.)
If you know that Memorial Day—or the arrival of summer in general—makes you feel low, experts say that you can map out your weekend and adjust your mindset to feel a little bit better. Here are some ways to do that.
Pinpoint what energizes you and incorporate it into new holiday traditions.
Although it seems counterintuitive, the summer months can contribute to sadness, says Dr. Lombardo. “For some people, the heat is too much,” she explains. “If we felt lonely or bullied in summer as a child, some of those traumas can be stored in our subconscious.”
There’s also cultural pressure to do quintessential “summery” things, like grilling, hanging out by the pool, or drinking a cold beer, Gail Saltz, MD, a psychiatrist and clinical associate professor of psychiatry at New York Presbyterian Hospital and Weill-Cornell Medical College, tells SELF. If I’m being one hundred percent real with myself, I don’t like any of those activities. (This isn’t a country music video—I get hot, sweaty, and bored laying out, and beer tastes rancid to me.)
Basically, Dr. Saltz says you should treat this weekend like any other, but prioritize stuff that actually makes you happier. “If you spend the entire holiday weekend at home doing little things that make you feel nice, that would be a successful holiday weekend,” she says. “There’s not some rule that defines how you spend your time as good or bad, successful or unsuccessful.”
She suggests writing (or just jotting in your phone) the last time you felt truly energized while alone: Were you churning through the pages of a spicy book, getting lost in the artwork at a local museum, or screaming at your TV during a Real Housewives spat? If those things brighten your day, give yourself permission to enjoy them when you have time off, no matter how silly, small, or unproductive they might seem, Dr. Saltz stresses. Dr. Lombardo suggests turning some of those feel-good activities into new traditions. “You can tell yourself that every holiday weekend, you’ll get a half-hour massage, for example—something to treat yourself that you can look forward to,” she suggests.
Personally, I feel most exhilarated while exercising in nature, so I’ll likely explore a new hiking trail in my home state, Arizona. Dr. Lombardo says that movement can often improve your mood, but only lace up if you’re confident it’ll make you feel better. The same goes for mindfulness, she stresses: “Meditation can be good for some people, but for others it can put them in a place where they dwell on things and start judging themselves.” Yes, it can be a super effective mental health tool—but if you’re not familiar with it, maybe don’t feel obligated to pick it up on a holiday weekend.
Take a break from social media and apps that stress you out (including dating ones).
Even if you know, logically, that posts on Instagram and TikTok are highly filtered to showcase the very best camera-ready moments—and you suspect there was probably more than one booze-induced blowout fight during that girls trip to Miami—it’s still hard for your brain to tell the difference, Dr. Saltz says. “No matter how many times people tell you, or you tell yourself, that what you're seeing is curated, it doesn't matter,” she explains. “There's some reality to it. Those humans were there, and your mind is going to make a comparison.” (The girls may be fighting, but they’re still together, while I watch them at home, alone.) “I often tell my clients, on holiday weekends or any time they’re not feeling confident or connected, don’t be as present on social media,” Dr. Saltz reiterates.
The same goes for any stress-inducing app, Dr. Lombardo says. “Get off the news channels,” she urges. “It may have nothing to do with you being lonely, but it could cause distress.” Basically, Dr. Lombardo notes that those election or war headlines might be messing with your mood without you even knowing.
Consider silencing Bumble and Hinge if you’re single. “The situation they create is so dismal,” Dr. Saltz says. “It has brought out the ease with which people don’t treat other people like human beings.” So while it’s a good idea to seek out new connections via meet-up groups or volunteering, she notes that scheduling a romantic date—where you might get ghosted or have a less-than-enjoyable experience—can maybe wait until the week after.
Don’t be afraid to reach out.
When you’re glued to your couch scrolling through vacation and party photos, it can be easy to assume you’re the only person on the planet without a weekend game plan. But that’s probably not the case, Dr. Saltz says. “Chances are, there are some people in your circle who are feeling the exact same way,” she notes. And while the thought of rejection might make you feel nauseated, Dr. Saltz says that a bit of honesty can go a long way. “Use authentic language,” she notes. “Humans really respond to vulnerability and intimacy.” Here’s what a sample text script might look like:
Hey, I realized I haven’t made any plans this weekend! Are you doing anything, and if so, could I join you? It would be fun to see you—to be honest, I’ve been feeling a bit lonely lately and would love to hang!
Even if you are reaching out to someone who’s just an acquaintance (or you haven’t spoken to in a while), that’s perfectly okay. You don’t have to initiate a hangout either—just reaching out for a small moment of human connection can be beneficial for your mood. “It comes down to a sense of mattering,” Dr. Lombardo explains. “A two- or three-sentence text telling a person that you appreciate them for whatever reason can help you feel so much happier and more fulfilled.”
Volunteer or sign up for a class if being with others energizes you.
If you aren’t sure what solo stuff will motivate you, or you’d rather be around people over the holiday, try signing up for a class or meet-up group, Dr. Saltz says. She recommends looking for ones centered around a particular interest (say, knitting, pickleball, or cooking). Again, if you’re having trouble landing on a hobby, pick something super easy: For example, if you drink alcohol, you can sign up for a wine-tasting session, Dr. Saltz suggests. “Really, most all communities will have something going on over big holiday weekends.” If you live in a bigger city, sites like TimeOut often spotlight events. MeetUp.com and Facebook Groups are two other places to find things that are happening in your community.
Another good option: volunteering. “Communities are often found in helping others,” Dr. Saltz explains. “[Try] a local soup kitchen or clean up the park. You're going to meet other people with similar concerns about the environment or community.” Giving back can help give you a sense of purpose and reduce depression, research has shown.
Remember what three-day holiday weekends are *actually* about.
This one might seem obvious, but as a logical, fact-seeking triple-Aquarius, it’s the tip that punched me right in the gut: Memorial Day, the Fourth of July, and Labor Day are patriotic celebrations. “People treat this holiday like it’s solely about the beginning of summer. That’s not really the point,” Dr. Saltz says. Given the nature of these special weekends, you might consider Dr. Saltz’s earlier recommendation to volunteer, but do it in a way that honors the holiday: Look for opportunities to help your local US Department of Veterans branch or donate to a nonprofit, like Building Homes for Heroes, that gets vets and their families back on track after serving.
Dr. Lombardo suggests another psychological technique to get through the weekend: thought replacement, which you can use in the moment to replace anxious or negative thoughts with positive ones. “What thought would make you feel even just a little bit better right this second?” she says. Here’s mine: I have a mom who sends me goofy IG reels every morning like clockwork—and who I can call 24/7 with the most trivial or petty griefs with zero judgment. It might not be a relationship I can boast about to my social followers, but it’s a reminder that, while I might be feeling lonely, I’m far from actually being alone.
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Originally Appeared on SELF
