You’ll Do Every One of These 27 Runs Eventually
There was your first run-hopefully you remember it. You felt amazing for 30 seconds. It was brilliant. The universe cracked open and blinded you with beautiful light. Then you got tired. Then the light went away and it all got real-more real than one person deserves; a grotesque extravagance of real. You began a rhythmic gasp-an awful, desperate sound that produced its own embarrassment, without laughing bystanders. You kept going until your body became a stranger. You thought you knew every kind of hurt, but this was new. For example: The front of your shins caught fire and you thought, What on earth? Before that moment, you didn’t know shin muscles were a thing.
Your first run is the only one you never get to do again. This is the alpha run. However you threw down, it’s history now. You get no second shot at the alpha. What you do get is a second run, a one month run, a first year anniversary run, and all the other runs leading up to the one you did this morning. They all roughly fall into archetypes. We’ve all experienced some version of the same thing. And so in no particular order, here is a partial list of every run you’ll ever relish, avoid, anticipate, dread, but ultimately do.
The Get Busy
The run you take after a long, useless day of spinning your wheels and accomplishing nothing. This run does little to actually mend the day’s dead ends into a coherent path, but when you’re asked later on what you did, at least you can talk about miles.
Cheap Thrills
Running on the beach with children who keep saying, “You’re so fast!” and you say, “No I’m not!” and they say, “I’m so tired!” and you say, “You can do it!” and they say, “This is so long!” and in the privacy of your mind without a shred of guilt or perspective, you think, I’m in such better shape than these little weaklings.
The Olympian
You’re in the best shape of your life, but you’re still not Shalane. You’re also not Meb. You’re probably not even present-day Joan. Lose track of those realities in the run, and your body will correct you in very convincing ways. This is the run you do too fast for too long-the one that often precedes a several-week hiatus.
The Ice Run
Bragging rights. Counts double. Officially hard-core. Also ridiculous. Also hilarious. Face-cicles FTW. Just don’t fall and break your rear.
Tracksmith Brighton Base Layer / $88
This merino wool top is sweat-wicking and stink-proof, and flattering enough to be worn all by itself.
The Cold Beer Run
Cold beer, right? Yaaass…beeeer. Doesn’t get any better, am I right? AmIright? Actually it does, but you should probably check this for yourself with a little experiment. Put a can in the fridge, sweat on the road for an hour, return to the fridge, crack the can open, and consume. Real science here-results valid only after numerous trials.
The Woodsman
Hey, you happen to be wearing some old running shoes, and hey, there’s a wooded path over there. Wonder where it leads to. Turn to your friends and say, “Be right back.” Cut through the trees. Glide beneath the shadows. Do not miss this one.
Sick Run
Fevers, sore throats, and runny noses don’t go away with a run. You know this. But maybe you’ll get out there and just test it. While you’re at it, maybe you’ll also just pound your head with a brick for kicks. Recover from this run with a bowl of chicken soup and four hours of Law and Order reruns.
Stormrunner
Those dark clouds on the horizon look menacing, but you can fit one in. You can outrun them! This is the run where you find that while racing clouds may be futile, racing lightning is just stupid. You finish wild-eyed under a flashing sky with your arms around your head as if that somehow protects you. When you get home your partner asks, “What are you, stupid?” And you have to answer, “Yes, I am.”
The Tutu
You know it was fun. Just admit it and stop untagging those 5K photos.
The Out-of-Towner
Quick loop, outside the big, beautiful hotel in the middle of the city before a day of serious business. You’re pretty sure you couldn’t possibly get lost, but you’ll bring your phone anyway. Accept the water bottle, towel, and high-five from the concierge on completion. Extra points for rosy glow and last beads of sweat at the first meeting.
Garmin Fenix 5 plus GPS Watch / $850
It does the route planning for you, offering turn-by-turn directions, as well as track daily activity, steps, altitude, and play music.
The Demoralizer
A group run you foolishly agree to with people who are much younger-possibly a high school cross-country JV team whose members are still deciding if they actually like running. You soon learn that what they actually like is to talk and laugh over miles of hilly terrain while you try to nod and smile without barfing.
The Dad Run
You don’t have to do this one-really, no pressure, no pressure. We never get to see each other and it would be fun but really-it’s okay, sleep in, I was young once. Hey, but we wouldn’t have to go far. You know you could lose a little weight, kid. No pressure, though-seriously. Aw, you’ll do it? You’re epic!
Don’t forget your dad shoes: 6 Dad Sneakers That Runners Will Love
https://www.runnersworld.com/gear/a22331588/best-dad-shoes-for-runners/
Purge Run
Kids? What kids? Job? Do I even have one? That whole heavy pile of life back home? You mean that glittering pile of minor comedy? Every event, headline, deadline, worry, and all memory of responsibility fade and are replaced by the blunt simplicity of happy exhaustion and the mindless, rhythmic pulse of heart and breath and the pat of your soles against the road.
The Compensator
Unfaithful? Insolvent? Addicted? Flat-footed? Perpetual sunburner? Don’t get the joke? Just generally dumber than most? We’re all bad at something, partner. Why not make up for your shortcoming with a completely unrelated vigorous activity? The badder the crime, the harder the time. A long run brings everyone back to even.
Dog Run
More dogs = more better. Grip the leash and try to keep pace. Barking not required but recommended. Do not miss this one, either.
Stunt Puppy Stunt Runner Dog Leash / $38
This hands-free bungee leash clips to an adjustable belt around your waist and can stretch from 35 to 51 inches to accommodate Fido’s stride.
The Meteor
Blazing fast to flameout. When there’s no time for anything else. Check with your doctor first and all that.
Hangover Run
Last night. What happened? Yeah, that was a bad idea. What was in it anyway? I might have had a few more than you. Sure, we can still get a run in. Stop laughing!
The Oh No You Didn’t a.k.a. Peanut Butter and Jelly Run
You weren’t even hungry. And it wasn’t even lunchtime. And it didn’t even taste that good because you had to use apple jelly. And now it’s sloshing in your belly with every stride and causing you to draw overreaching conclusions about your life choices and making you compare yourself to your more successful friends and maybe you never really looked as good in that shirt as you imagined and your mother knew and never told you and you should have studied more and done more sit-ups and saved more money from your first job and invested in Apple and Bitcoin instead of buying that ridiculous watch that made you look like a 90-year-old casino tycoon. Remember as you take this run that a sandwich of any kind does not set the course of one’s life. You can recover from any sandwich. Just do the short loop and live for another day.
Do Better: 16 Healthy Pre-Run Snacks
The Private Mudder
Long. Dirty. Unpredictable. Possibly trespassing. Possibly dangerous. Possibly foolish. Kill it. Have fun. Tell no one.
Hoka One One Evo Jawz / $130
A rigid, reckless trail shoe with a high-traction sole to help you fly through messy trails.
The Batman
Duck and dodge your way through your Gotham by whatever means necessary. No rules but your own. “Behind you,” you say with a calm authority that freezes people in their tracks. Children point. Ladies’ skirts ruffle. Dogs growl. Mens’ hats are blown askew. You enjoy no friendship on the Batman but your own. Never liked but always admired. Renowned but never known.
The uh-oh, oh no run
C’mon-like you never got caught between restrooms. You didn’t like those shorts anyway. Okay, okay, never happened to me either. But this friend…
New Shoes Run
Where they flash their sweetness beneath you, and you randomly think, Why am I so happy?!! You wave to people you don’t know. Pump a fist at the semi driver so he’ll blast his horn. Tell a stranger his jacket is “righteous.” Jog in place at the stoplight without once thinking, What’s wrong with me?
The One-Miler
Anyone who tells you it’s not a real run has done you a disservice. The One-Miler too easy? Bollocks. Do it fast. Do it every day. Watch your body in the mirror. See what happens.
The Uptown Funk Gonna It To You
You’d never listen to the song. It’s overplayed and tired, but it randomly comes over the headphones or maybe just through your mind, and then it happens: The lips purse, the bottom jaw juts forward, the head sways, and you start to feel cool-a dangerous thing in the middle of a long run. You fold some moves into your stride: a little flare from the wrists or a kick on the finish; you speed up because the uptown funk is already giving it to you. It’s all good until an hour later, when you can’t stand up from a chair.
Jaybird Run Wireless Headphones / $180
Changeable parts keep these water-resistant Bluetooth earbuds snugly in place as you run (and rock out).
The Slogger
Not pretty. Not Fun. Hard for no reason. A metaphor for everything in life that’s not fair, but essential for perspective. Without the occasional Slogger you’d never know how good the rest of your runs really are.
The Easy 10-Miler
Who am I and how is this happening? Well, you’re you, of course, but a new and better you, and how it’s happening is: You earned it.
The Regular Genius
A run with nearly endless iterations. Every run that’s not one of the previously listed ones here is a Regular Genius. I’ll leave the neuroscience to the neuroscientists and keep it simple: You get real smart in the middle of a run. There’s the one where you thought you invented peanut butter on a burger-where you wondered why you never thought to keep a jar handy in the glovebox for the drive-thru. The one where you were struck by a unique understanding of quantum singularity (so easy!) and wondered who at MIT you should call. There’s one where you just knew LeBron and you could be great friends if you could only get past his security. The one where you’ll tell everyone to shut up ’cause you’re finally buying that motorcycle/horse/tattoo/Great Dane/moose mount/mirror ball for the family room. You finish a run brimming with resolve to make the world right. But by shower’s end, like pictures of rainbows, the brilliant ideas have mostly lost the pop that made them special. The world inside the run is difficult to translate to the world outside of it. I’m still trying to figure out which world makes more sense. I’d like to think it’s the one where LeBron and I are friends, but I’ll have to keep working on that to see.
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