I waited until my husband had climbed into bed and switched off the light to make my move. Reaching over in the darkness, I began to stroke his back. ‘What the hell?’ Within seconds the lights were back on and he was staring, aghast, at the weird pink and white plastic ‘finger masks’ I had on. Think psychopathic surgeon’s gloves – but only the tips. Splaying them out in front of his face, Edward Scissorhands-style, I purred: ‘7th Heaven’s new Soften Glove Masques. You like?’
He did not. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that he profoundly resented their presence both in our home and on his wife’s digits. Just as he profoundly resents a whole array of man-repeller beauty products, from Seed To Skin’s deliciously rich Fungus the Bogeyman-coloured dual- detox marine-clay cleansing gel, to Su-Man’s granulated-coffee Exfoliating Facial Polish (‘could you please stop emptying the cafetière in the bathroom sink?’).
Nothing ends a marriage quite as promptly as wearing Skimono’s Beauty Foot Masks, which look like something ‘verruca girl’ used to wear to swimming lessons
Although nothing ends a marriage quite as promptly as wearing Skimono’s Beauty Foot Masks, which do look like something ‘verruca girl’ used to wear to swimming lessons, they leave your feet so insanely soft that dying a lonely spinster seems a fair trade-off. And realistically, every time someone said, ‘I’m so sorry to hear about the demise of your marriage,’ all you’d have to do is de-shoe and sock, hand them your heel and say, ‘Yeah. Sad. But feel this.’
I have learnt a few things in my four (and a bit) decades on earth, and this is one of them: if it’s ridiculously pretty, it probably doesn’t work. That applies to both women and beauty products, the best of which seem to be green, gloopy and madly off-putting to the opposite sex.
But oh, what fun it is to don a Hannibal Lecter-style Rodial Vitamin C Cellulose Sheet Mask (£14, rodial.co.uk) and the weird fingertip gloves, lean towards your husband and whisper, ‘Give us a kiss, shnookums.’
Beast to beaut
Soften Glove Masques, £3.75, 7th Heaven (amazon.co.uk)
Put these on while you watch Succession and you’ll emerge a bit teary, but with beautiful, revitalised nails.
Beauty Foot Masks, £8, Skimono (lookfantastic.com).
Basically a plastic sock filled with serum made of shea butter and olive oil. Oddly pleasant and very efficient.
The Divine Cleanse, £78, Seed To Skin (libertylondon.com).
This marine-clay cleansing gel may be green, but you can feel all the goodness of Tuscany on your skin.
Exfoliating Facial Polish, £40, Su-Man (su-man.com).
Gentle enough even for those with rosacea, this brightens up dull skin and buffs away end-of-summer cells.
24K Gold Facial Peel, now £14.99, Manuka Doctor (hollandand barrett.com).
You’ll start out looking like a Bond baddie but emerge brightened and pimple-free.