What is ‘limerence’? How buzzy dating term with ‘Baby Reindeer’ vibes could ruin your life

It’s the lim-bo of love.

Sure, nursing a crush on a cute coworker, a smoking hot schoolmate or the gym dreamboat is sweet. But that taste for the apple of your eye can quickly turn into a sour sickness for folks with “limerence.”

It’s not quite a “Baby Reindeer”-level delusion — but close, according to actress Jessica Gunning who plays the lovelorn fan of a stand-up comedian in the new Netflix series.

“[Limerence is] when somebody takes the smallest thing that someone might say and loads it up in their imagination,” Gunning described during a recent interview with Vanity Fair. “With Martha, Donny would compliment her, and she would go home and inflate that moment into something hugely romantic that means they’re meant to be together forever.”

Unlike the fresh batch of blush-worthy buzzwords — like “auto-erect” and “Kenning,” which recently hit the romance scene courtesy of hookup hub Ashley Madison — limerence is a decades-old psychological term resurfacing amongst anxious singles today.

“Limerence is like an unhealthy obsession or infatuation with someone without the facts, without knowing them,” explained TikTok user Danielle Walter in a trending post dedicated to her fellow “anxious attachment girlies” online, in which she shared revelations learned during a recent session with her therapist.

“To us, the uncertainty of whether or not that person likes us is just an opportunity for them to prove that they do,” confessed the brunette to over 5.2 million viewers. “It’s so hardwired in how our brains work.”

First coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s, limerence is a mental state that causes significant loss of productivity and emotional distress to sufferers, per a 2021 study helmed by Massachusetts researcher Brandy Wyant.

“Individuals with limerence display an obsessive attachment to a particular person or ‘limerent object’ that interferes with daily functioning and the formation and maintenance of healthy relationships,” reads the report.

Folks with lovesickness often form unrequited bonds with the unavailable or uninterested objects of their affection. The addicting affinity for the target is driven by the (s)he-loves-me, (s)he-loves-me-not unsureness of whether those loving feelings will ever be returned.

“The greater the degree of uncertainty, the more intensely the individual ruminates about the limerent object,“ Wyant wrote, “the greater the desire for reciprocation.”

But as the infatuation increases, the bewitched person’s quality of life decreases.

“Individuals experiencing limerence struggle with near-constant rumination about the limerent object” according to the study, which examined the behavior of a 28-year-old woman who’d become fixated on a female coworker.

“They may also engage in rituals that interfere with their other responsibilities, such as staring at photos of the limerent object or repeatedly reading messages from them,” added Wyant.

In the case of the study subject, referred to as “BW,” she often drove past her sweetheart’s house or walked past restaurants frequented by the unsuspecting woman.

BW’s emotional state hinged on interactions with her colleague.

“When the limerent object shows affection or approval, the limerent individual’s mood soars to ecstatic,” said the researcher. “And in the face of actual or perceived disapproval, the mood plummets to despair.”

While the bizarre behaviors might summon mental images of an erratic stalker — such as Gunning’s obsessed fan in “Baby Reindeer” — Wyant noted that’s not necessarily a mainstay of limerence.

Instead, the intensely enamored simply feel comfort in knowing where their sweetheart is throughout the day.

Die-hard fanatics of rock and pop stars, like The Beatles or Taylor Swift, are, too, guilty of exhibiting limerence-like traits, such as mismanaging their personal responsibilities to track a VIP’s every move.

But Wyant says there’s hope for rehabilitation.

“[BW] benefitted from outpatient psychotherapy utilizing cognitive behavioral techniques,” per the report. The therapeutic techniques included, “deliberately exposing [the} individual to a feared stimulus and preventing the individual from engaging in rituals that alleviate their anxiety.”

“In the case of limerence, one may imagine the feared stimulus as separation from or rejection by the limerent object.”