This is What Your 'LEGO Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga' Character Says About You
As a wise person once said, “Sit down, Elden Ring babies, LEGO Star Wars is the real gamer's game." Or something like that.
I’m not going into the whole spiel about how we’re still in early 2022, and my game queue is already blown through the roof. Now, to the untrained, un-G-FUEL-gamer-supplement-infused eye, one may think, LEGO Star Wars, that's baby shit!” For them, I weep. Sure, at first look, it may not be the most complicated game. But with hundreds of characters and collectibles—sometimes locked behind brain-boggling puzzles—there's plenty of fun and veg-worthy content to explore. For the unfamiliar, the newly-released LEGO Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga takes players through a gorgeous, lovable, and comedic recreation of all nine films in the Skywalker Saga. The game is a certified couch co-op, collectathon masterpiece, this time with a deeper combo and combat system, and stunning, plastic-filled graphics, so why waste my time selling it? True gamers (who are the only people reading this, I assume) already know this.
Instead, I'd like to revisit my Pulitzer Prize-winning article (fake, wrong) from two years ago, when I dove into the world of Tic-Tac Zoomers and helped learn them about what their LEGO Star Wars profile pic said about them. I’m sure you have a lot of questions, like, why would you revisit that? Or hell, write it in the first place? To all of you I simply say: 1-v-1 me on the streets of Dagobah, noob.
Now, only the real ones are left. Let's get started. For Part One—and I can't believe I'm saying that—head over here.
Ben Kenobi (Classic): I wrote with great love about Obi-Wan Kenobi last time. Sure, Obi-Wan being my favorite character plays some part in it, and if you have a problem with that, write your own list. Ben Kenobi (Classic) is a pre-order bonus skin variation for Ben Kenobi, who dawns the classic LEGO yellow. This shows that you're a LEGO Star Wars fan through and through. You're probably as strong morally as you are physically—and wildly handsome. Also, you're most likely the best at every video game out there.
Lando Calrisian: You’re cool, charming, and a blast to play with. But you always complain about how bad you feel when you cheat on your significant other.
Emperor Palpatine: There are two versions of this player. 1/ Fun Palpatine is someone who picks Palpatine and continuously yells, "LET THE HATE FLOW THROUGH YOU!" 2/ A Sith edgelord who thinks Maul and Vader are overrated. (Unlock code: SIDIOUS)
LEGO Luke: Nothing good here, nothing bad here. I’d say you're not all boring. But you're like toast with strawberry preserves: a little exciting, totally reliable, but sometimes leaves you wanting more.
Kit Fisto: You love all things Star Wars, even down to Rebels and Clone Wars. Most importantly, you're not a prick about it. You just genuinely love this stuff. Good on you, and good on Kit.
Any Stormtrooper: Consistently sliding into DMs and shooting their shot. And consistently missing them.
Jar Jar Binks: Another revisit. Not funny. Get over yourself. I haven't changed my opinion. I literally needed to say this again. Pick Gonk, Boss Nass, Carbonite Han, or anyone else, for god's sake.
Holiday Gonk: Now THIS is comedy. (Also, adorable.) Sure, you’ll be nearly worthless to the untrained eye, but the cute little snowman flare and wobble walk is the type of moral support I need in every game. Let me summon LEGO Holiday Gonk in the Elden Ring Radahn fight NOW. (Unlock code: LIFEDAY)
Kylo Ren: I get no joy from saying this, but it must be done. You're either a Tumblr-r, an edgelord, or possibly both.
Darth Maul: Really fun person, with some very bad takes.
LEGO Ody Mandrell: Capricorn.
Plo Koon: Was disappointed when filonis Koon Leak turned out to be Luke. Youre still probably the kindest on this list.
General Grievous, Round Two: Listen, I’ve been sitting on a defunct site and domain name for four years, titled DoesGeneralGreviousVape.com. I think we all know that answer. This dude rips that sweet cotton. That's actually where his cough comes from and why he needs a robot body. So you’re probably cool as shit, spending too much time loitering at your smoke shop. Kids don't vape. Adults smoke weed instead.
Padme (Pregnant): See Slave Leia in part one.
R2-D2 Waiter: Someone had to be a droid—so you decided to do it with style. Probably a fashionable individual with great taste. Throws great parties.
Rancor: Big teddy bear. You always play as oversized characters because you were probably the Tank in World of Warcraft, or always Players Two, Three, or Four growing up. We love you. And we need you.
Rebel Friend: You don't know or care about Star Wars, but you really care about whoever wants to play with you. Godspeed, my Rebel friend.
Teebo: Multiple felonies. Puts cigarettes out on finished floors indoors to prove a point. Thinks they're Walter White, but in reality? They are a menace.
Lego Yaddle: Cyberbully.
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