If They Flake On Plans Often, They're Probably Not That Into You
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Mixed signals are the bane of the modern dating scene. Navigating that cloudy space between the first date and the “What are we?” conversation is like crawling through uncharted territory full of words and actions that don’t quite add up. Like, the person you’re dating hasn’t responded to your last text, but they just watched your Instagram story. WTH does that even mean?
People aren't perfect at expressing what they want or need, especially in dating. You don’t know how the other person communicates—heck, you might still need to get a handle on how you communicate. True feelings and intentions are bound to get lost in translation. Then add contradictions (like leaving you on read for days, then asking about your week) to the mix, and no wonder you're left feeling confused, disheartened, and insecure. At the end of the day, the question is: Should you stick it out or move on to the next?
“Mixed signals are negative signals in disguise,” says marriage and couples therapist Marni Feuerman, PsyD, author of Ghosted and Breadcrumbed: Stop Falling for Unavailable Men and Get Smart about Healthy Relationships. “Ultimately, the antidote is to pay attention to the actions more than the words.”
Deciphering mixed messages is a long game of “they love me, they love me not,” and honestly no one has time for that ish. If you're confused about how they actually feel about you, keep reading to discover what mixed signals are exactly, and how to detect them.
What are mixed signals?
Mixed signals often describe a disconnect between what someone is saying to you versus how they're behaving, says Natasha Camille, LCSW, a relationships and sex therapist based in New York. For example, if the person you are dating says they're really into you and enjoy talking to you, but then they take two weeks to reply to your text, that's a mixed signal. Similarly, if your partner says they're looking for something discreet and casual, but then always holds your hand when you're together in public and tells you they want to be exclusive, that could also be a mixed signal.
There are two key elements that define mixed signals, which are: inconsistent displays of interest or affection and poor communication, says Washington, D.C.-based relationship therapist Emily Simonian, LMFT. "When you have both of those at play, you're most likely getting mixed signals."
Inconsistent displays of interest might look like going from texting you every day to only texting you once a month. Or, maybe being very warm and physically affectionate during your first few dates and then all of a sudden withdrawing affection and acting distant. When dating, "we're subconsciously trying to find patterns of behavior in other people and so when that pattern is thrown off, we get tripped up," says Simonian.
When it comes to poor communication, that may look like: not expressing their wants and needs clearly, contradicting themselves, their words not matching their behavior, and being vague or unresponsive, per Simonian.
Why do people give off mixed signals?
Keep in mind, you’re not to blame for being on the receiving end of confusing messages. Mixed signals can simply be a miscommunication—or they can be an excuse to hold you at arm's length because the other person doesn't want to commit (or make you believe that they are ready to).
“Usually, it’s used to create distance,” Feuerman says. “It’s a way to say, ‘I’m not totally sure I am into you or not.’ Or, ‘I’m not sure if we want the same thing here.'” Either way, mixed signals can be used to slow down the pace of the relationship without actually talking about it. (Cue eye-roll.)
Before you tap that unfollow button, a quick disclaimer: “Everyone’s experience is different,” says Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT, a relationship therapist and the founder of Modern Love Counseling. Mixed signals can definitely mean that the other person isn’t going all in on you, but that’s not the only possible explanation.
Often, those who give off mixed signals have avoidant attachment styles, a learned coping strategy where the person shies away from closeness and intimacy because it makes them uncomfortable. They might “appear super interested in you, but then engage in sabotaging behavior that causes emotional or physical distance,” says Samantha Burns, LMHC, a relationship counselor and author of Done with Dating: 7 Steps to Finding Your Person.
If this is the case in your 'ship, it's up to your discretion whether you want to see it through with an avoidant type. It's not impossible to break through their wall, but similar to other insecure attachment styles, it will require some patience and TLC.
Now that you know what could be behind all those mixed messages, here are some common signals to look out for:
Mixed signals in a new relationship
1. You don’t get that call when you expect to.
Who hasn't sat on their couch waiting for their crush to respond to plans or a meme you sent hours ago? Sure, the other person might be tied up at work, but if time goes on and on without a ding in sight, you’re allowed to feel a little off about it. "Frequency of communication is a huge one," says Camille. If they're not texting or calling as frequently as you would expect them to at a certain point in your relationship, it's understandable to feel confused, they add.
Maybe they don’t follow up days after a great date, or they only text you when it’s convenient for them. Safe to say, they might not be totally invested in you.
2. They're a little ~too~ cozy with their ex.
Talk about a mixed signal. It’s one thing if they're seeking closure or they have a real friendship with their ex-partner, but it’s another if it seems like they use the connection as a lifeline (read: get back together) in case things don’t work out between you two.
3. They say they can’t wait to see you again but are “too busy” to make plans.
Let's face it: We’re all busy. Juggling priorities is complicated AF, but if they want to spend time with you, they’ll make it happen. (As the saying goes: "If they wanted to, they would.") Similarly, if they're always saying they want to spend time with you and hang out, but on the day of those plans they're always flaking last minute, it might be time to de-prioritize that connection, says Camille.
“If they aren’t in a place in their life where they’re able to prioritize a relationship,” says Burns, “they may not be able to give you a commitment, no matter how well you get along or how much chemistry there is.” Probably better to realize that now than later, amirite?
4. They won’t open up, but they expect you to.
A successful relationship requires an emotional connection, and being vulnerable is key to building a path toward that. If you’re the only one expressing your true self, and the other person is holding back, that has the word "Caution" written all over it.
If you're putting in the time and effort to get to know them on a deeper level and they're keeping things surface level, that's a major mixed signal, Simonian notes. Unless they have explicitly stated, "I'm just looking for something casual," or, "I'm not looking for anything serious," refusing to go deeper is an emotional disconnect, she adds.
5. They flirt with other people.
"Flirting or doing anything that looks like you're trying to engage in a romantic or sexual relationship with somebody else without there having been any conversation around exclusivity or monogamy is definitely a mixed signal," says Camille. It could be a sign that they're just not ready to emotionally open up or commit to just one person and want to keep their options open, says Simonian.
It’s confusing to know if someone is actually interested in you or wants you around in case other options don’t work out. When you bring it up, see if they're defensive (a sign to leave) or if they try to understand where you’re coming from. They might not be ready for exclusivity, but if they're really into you, they shouldn't have an issue toning down any behaviors that make you truly uncomfortable.
6. You still haven’t had the “What are we?” conversation.
The transition from dating to being exclusive is, uh, a trip. Just when you think things are progressing, they dodge any conversation that approaches commitment, or worse, ghost you for a while.
Burns advises that you watch out for noncommittal responses when you ask to hang out again, like “That sounds fun!” without throwing out a real time or date. If you’re the only one reaching out, you could be more interested in them than they are in you.
7. They won’t show affection in public but have no problem doing so when you're alone.
I'm not talking, "They won’t make out with me in the back of the bar, so they must not like me.” Sometimes it can take a minute to get comfortable enough in the relationship to be that open about PDA, but acting like you're not together at all in public can understandably make you feel like their hot and cold...or don’t want to be seen with you. Similarly, you might really vibe when you're together on dates, but when you're not hanging out IRL it's like a desert in the DMs.
A clear sign that someone is truly interested in you is when their actions match their words, says Burns. “If they tell you they’re really enjoying getting to know you, or that they miss you, make sure they’re actually making plans with you, introducing you to important people in their lives, and making you a priority,” she says. Sounds simple enough, right?
It's not just you—modern dating is the worst. Here's how to make sense of it:
Mixed signals from an ex
1. They only keep up with you on IG.
Ever refresh the 'gram waiting for a specific person to double tap your thirst trap? Been there, done that. Analyzing social media engagement (sounds so romantic, right?) sometimes feels like a crystal ball. If someone watches your stories soon after you post them, it has to mean you pop up early in their list and they're interested enough to tap on it (or at the very least, enough to not stop the stories from rolling on). They commented on that apple-picking pic you just posted with a fire emoji? It’s a tell-tale sign: They're still into you.
But then, that’s it. They don't respond to your DM when you thought a story was directed at you, or you see them post at home when they said they were too busy to see you.
I mean everyone snoops on their ex on social media from time-to-time, right? But only keeping up with you online and nowhere else is the key here, says Simonian. At best, they're curious about your life and want to peep what you're up to without actually maintaining a relationship. At worst, they feel the need to keep tabs because they want to exercise some feeling of control over how you live your life after the breakup, says Camille.
Here's the hard truth: If they don’t make an effort to be more than a follower of your IG page, you might’ve played yourself.
2. They disregard your breakup boundaries.
After a breakup, you might establish some boundaries with a partner in order for you both to heal from the split and move forward. And so "anything that happens that is perceived as going against [those boundaries] in any way, may be a mixed signal," says Camille.
For example, you might decide: "Okay, we're not going to talk. We're going to give each other space." If one person then makes an attempt to reach out during that time you're not supposed to be speaking, that can be a mixed signal for the other partner, says Camille, even if their intentions aren't malicious.
"They might reach out because they're wanting to apologize and feel heard in whatever reflections they've had since the relationship ended," they explain. And while personal growth and accountability are great, the other person might be confused by the heart-to-heart. They might take that as their ex-partner trying to mend things, when that may not be their goal at all.
3. You're having post-breakup sex.
Breakup sex may feel cathartic in the moment, but it's definitely a mixed signal (and, er, quite hurtful) if they don't have an intention of getting back together, Camille points out.
"Breakup sex feels good for a reason," Camille notes. "It's a moment where you get to experience sexual pleasure with someone you already established feeling safe doing that with." But if one partner goes into having sex thinking, "oh, this must mean we're going to fix things," and the other person is just simply trying to get off or sees it as a last hurrah, that can feel like a mixed signal, Camille says.
4. They reach out with no intention of getting back together.
This is a really common one, Simonian notes. It happens because it's not easy to sever an emotional bond and never look back, and sometimes people need a crutch when they're trying to get over an ex, she explains.
They might crave that connection with you they once had, and texting you out of the blue to check in might be their way of reaching for a source of comfort and familiarity—it might not exactly signify they're wanting to rekindle a romantic connection. "They just still feel connected to you, and want to be relational," says Simonian. Still, it's a major mixed signal for someone trying to create distance from an ex-partner—especially in the case where you both agreed you're no longer speaking with one another and don't wish to maintain a friendship.
5. They pretend they've moved on when they haven't.
POV: Your ex tells you they've moved on, they're posting about how happy and free they feel on their Instagram feed, yet they frequently hit you up with updates and are a bit too in touch with you for someone who is allegedly over you. In other words, their behavior isn't matching their words. Pro tip: Don't fall for it.
While this is certainly a mixed signal, something else may be going on here. According to Camille, appearing to have "moved on" when someone, in fact, hasn't, could be a defense or coping strategy for some daters.
"I think that people generally don’t like to give insight into the more vulnerable parts of themselves with people that they are not feeling a full sense of emotional safety with," like an ex, says Camille. They're pretending to be okay to create that distance they need to heal and re-conceptualize who they are outside of the relationship.
Are mixed signals a red flag?
If you consider a "red flag" as a sign something is clearly off in the relationship, then yes: Mixed signals are a red flag. But just because someone's actions aren't matching what they're saying, doesn't automatically mean you need to end things ASAP.
"Experiencing mixed signals simply points towards a need for an open and honest dialogue with the person you're dating," says Camille. The other person may not even know they're sending mixed signals, and so by sharing what you've observed, you can get some answers and then act accordingly.
Someone may send mixed signals because they find it hard to be honest, says Simonian. "I think we assume mixed signals mean bad intentions," she says, when it could simply mean the other person doesn't know what they want, especially if it's early in the relationship.
Give people grace to figure out what they want out of the relationship. At the same time, be firm in your boundaries, and know where you draw the line, Simonian advises.
If after setting your expectations you still notice mixed signals, "that's definitely a sign the person you're dating has something going on that isn't allowing them to prioritize being consistent in the relationship," says Camille.
Can mixed signals be a good thing?
Mixed signals aren't exactly great (uh, they make those on the receiving end feel really crappy, actually) but they're "good" in that they can give you information (probably just not in the way you're looking for), says Simonian. Mixed signals, "can clue you into something maybe being amiss or into the fact that your communication may need work in the relationship," she says.
Open, direct communication is the foundation of a healthy relationship, Simonian says. Mixed signals, when not addressed, are the exact opposite of direct and open—and they can, in fact, cause someone to feel emotionally unsafe in a relationship, says Camille.
For the sake of everyone's emotional wellbeing and safety, it's important to address mixed signals ASAP. If the person you're dating can't communicate clearly or give you a straight answer, it's up to you if a relationship with uncertainty is worth the headache.
What should I do if the person I'm dating keeps sending me mixed signals?
When the mixed signals become too much—i.e., you're feeling abnormally anxious or unsettled, to a point that it's legit affecting your headspace—speak up about how it makes you feel, figure out where the messages are coming from, and make your decision, Feuerman and Jeney suggest. If it helps to give yourself a deadline before initiating a convo about it, do that (but stick to it).
“I know it’s scary, but you have actually nothing to lose if this person isn’t interested anyway,” says Feuerman. “You may, however, have a lot to gain. Sometimes we just need that opening to confront our own feelings head-on.”
I'm not going to sugarcoat it—clarity can suck, particularly when you get an answer you were hoping not to get, but there’s no fun in wasting your emotional energy on someone who hasn't earned it. Not to mention, overthinking and reading into every little text and signal is exhausting, if not destructive.
“Be brave enough to confront their behavior and ask what it means,” Feuerman says. “It’s okay to express how you feel about the way you are being treated.” Camille suggests saying: "Hey, I noticed that your actions aren't aligned with how you said you feel about me. This is where I thought we were at." Or, "This is where I want to be. How do you feel about that?"
If anything, it shows someone that you know your worth and aren't going to stand to be treated for less than you deserve. To the right person, that will be sexy—and make them want to step up, because you're too good to lose.
If the person acts the same after you bring up the conversation, it may be “your cue to exit, since they may not be capable of meeting you halfway,” Jeney says. By all means, feel the feels—but this isn't a moment to self-doubt or self-loathe, or feel resentment toward them. This is an opportunity to "honor your desires for a relationship," Burns says. "Walk away with your head held high, and be proud that you're prioritizing yourself." Amen!
Meet the Experts: Marni Feuerman, PsyD, is a marriage and couples therapist and author of Ghosted and Breadcrumbed: Stop Falling for Unavailable Men and Get Smart about Healthy Relationships. Natasha “Natty” Camille, LCSW, is a trauma-focused relationships and sex therapist serving clients in New York and New Jersey. Emily Simonian, LMFT, is a licensed relationship therapist based in Washington, D.C. Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT, is a relationship therapist and the founder of Modern Love Counseling. Samantha Burns, LMHC, is a relationship counselor, dating coach, and author of Done with Dating: 7 Steps to Finding Your Person.
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