What have we learnt from Cheryl’s rapid-fire romance?

Those who follow the ups and downs of The X Factor’s Cheryl Fernandez-Versini may not be shocked to learn that her marriage to Jean-Bernard is over after 18 months. It’s never wise to speculate when a relationship founders. That said, there is a shortlist of Red Flag Warnings that you ignore at your peril when picking a life partner and Cheryl was clearly not in possession of this list when she said “Yes” after three months of courting. In case anyone needs reminding, here are some of the things to beware of:

The Man in a Rush

Admittedly, Rupert Murdoch and Jerry Hall have just got engaged after four months, but these are special circs: Murdoch is 84, and has no time to waste. As a rule, it’s not advisable to marry someone you have known for a few weeks. For one thing your lust goggles are so steamed up you wouldn’t notice if they had cloven hooves. For another, you won’t have had the opportunity to spend time in the following situations: on a boat (very revealing, especially if sailing); negotiating a family Christmas; coping with each other’s bad reaction to a prawn curry. Everyone is on their best behaviour for at least a year into a relationship so it’s unwise to commit to marriage during this phase. Let’s be honest, we all fake it a bit until we can’t be bothered to pretend any longer. All that “I love swimming in the North Sea”. All that pretending to be the kind of person who reads – with the television off – while listening to Chet Baker.

The Ladies Man

Women’s only defence against men who are professionally good with the ladies is to exercise extreme caution, believe nothing, and on no account sign anything.

With Frenchman (like JB) this is particularly important because most of us hear the accent and, frankly, that’s it. They have us at “Allo” and then again at “Désolé, je ne comprends pas”. You’re beyond caring where it ends. It’s pathetic, really.

Zoolander levels of grooming

Somebody has to marry the gorgeous pouting Blue Steel types – just no one in their right minds. Vanity isn’t the only issue here; it tends to go hand-in-hand with looking after number one and resenting any attention their partners receive, including from male colleagues and pets.

The man who is super attentive, all the time

Very appealing until you work out it’s not because you are special, it’s because he has literally nothing better to do. What you want is a man who might easily forget your birthday because he is so busy doing things which enrich your lives.

The other sort – the one who has planned a special evening featuring sackfuls of strewn rose petals, will drive you round the twist.

An inability to communicate

As in speak the same language. Cheryl’s a Geordie, and JB is a Frenchman who doesn’t speak good English. Tricky even for a short car journey, you’d have thought. So there we go.