Laura Prepon: ‘Suffering from postpartum anxiety put me in a complete tailspin’

Lockdown in New York has been in place for almost a month when Laura Prepon enthusiastically greets me over the phone, asking me how I’m doing on a wet, rainy day in London. Despite being separated by a distance of approximately 3,500 miles, having the opportunity to engage in conversation with a complete stranger provides some degree of comfort in the present climate. Especially one who I’ve watched on my TV screen for over two decades.

Prepon, who is best-known for starring as Alex Vause in Orange is the New Black and Donna Pinciotti in That ‘70s Show, explains that she had already planned on staying at home at this time of year before the coronavirus outbreak occurred, albeit for completely different reasons. In February, Prepon gave birth to a baby boy, her second child with husband and fellow actor Ben Foster. The couple also have a daughter, Ella, who was born in August 2017.

Figuring out how to look after a household of young children, stay up-to-date with the news and remain upbeat is a demanding feat many parents around the world are currently having to face for the foreseeable future. So how are Prepon and Foster faring? “We’re trying to be informed, but that also causes a lot of stress. Just listening to the news is so stressful,” Prepon says. “But we’re trying to find levity where we can and really bond with our kids and be a family.”

Finding “balance” – that elusive achievement – is something Prepon found particularly difficult when she first became a mother. Following the birth of her daughter, the actor found herself struggling with her mental wellbeing. The strain resulted in her experiencing high levels of anxiety and panic attacks, both of which were completely new to her. After doing some online research, Prepon came across a term she had never heard of before that perfectly described what she was going through: postpartum anxiety.

While postpartum literally means “following childbirth”, when people hear the word they may instinctively think of the term “postpartum depression”. This is something Prepon used to do, she admits, which is why learning of the existence of postpartum anxiety was such a monumental moment for her. “When I had my daughter, I didn’t even know what I was going through,” she recollects. “I was grinding my teeth so much I chipped my tooth in the middle of the night. I was having anxiety and panic attacks which I’d never had in my life. All these things I was going through, I was in a complete tailspin because I had no idea what was going on.”

According to Postpartum Support International, around 10 per cent of women experience anxiety after giving birth. Symptoms may include being in a constant state of worry, feeling as though something bad is going to happen, experiencing racing thoughts and sleep disturbance. After coming to the conclusion that she was suffering from postpartum anxiety, Prepon was taken aback by how little had been written about it. This fed into her belief that, while there are plenty of guide books available on pregnancy and parenting, there seems to be a significant lack of resources directed specifically at mothers.

This realisation set the cogs turning in Prepon’s mind. And so she decided to create the resource that she was unable to find for herself, a sincere exploration of the complexities of motherhood titled You and I, as Mothers: A Raw and Honest Guide to Motherhood. In the book, Prepon writes openly about the impact postpartum anxiety had on her sense of identity, while also discussing topics including self-care, nourishment and the stigma that continues to surround pregnancy loss. She features anecdotes from friends – including That ‘70s Show co-star Mila Kunis and Orange Is The New Black creator Jenji Kohan – in addition to incorporating guidance on hormones from University of Denver neuroscientist Dr Pilyoung Kim.

But the path to publication was not straightforward. Before striking a deal with Abrams Books, Prepon conducted meetings with several other publishers to garner interest in her story. Straight off the bat, the actor hit a roadblock. “Books on motherhood are too tough to sell,” Prepon says she was told. “Because ‘mother’ was in the title, I cannot tell you the resistance that I got. Which was shocking to me,” she states. “That was very illuminating for me when I went to pound the pavement and sell this book. I can’t even tell you how shocked and upset I was.”

The stigma that Prepon encountered when attempting to publish a book with the word “mother” in the title is just one example of the taboo that continues to surround various areas of motherhood, she says. After suffering pregnancy loss in 2018, the actor experienced “a lot of shame”. “I was mad at myself and my body,” she recalls. “I had never heard women talking about this, so when it happened to me I felt very alone.”

Soon after she first started writing her book, Prepon was elated to learn that she was pregnant for the second time. However, 16 weeks into her pregnancy, the actor received devastating news regarding the state of her baby’s health. After undergoing several tests, Prepon was informed that her baby had a condition called cystic hygroma, also known as a lymphatic malformation, which meant that her lymphatic fluid was outside her body in a sac. Upon being told that the baby would be unlikely to survive to full term and that her health was also at risk, Prepon and Foster made the heavy decision to terminate the pregnancy.

In the immediate aftermath of losing her baby, Prepon decided to keep her story mostly to herself, not even telling her Orange Is The New Black co-stars with whom she was filming at the time. However, when she started opening up to others about what she had gone through, she realised that pregnancy loss was far more common than she had previously thought.

There are several forms of pregnancy loss, as outlined by the Miscarriage Association. These include miscarriage, which is the most common form of pregnancy loss, ectopic pregnancy and molar pregnancy. According to charity Tommy’s, it is estimated that around one in four pregnancies end in loss in the UK.

Not long after the loss, Prepon remembers attending a dinner of working mothers in New York. She hardly knew anyone in attendance at the event, the aim of which was to provide the women with a safe space to talk about the joys and hardships of motherhood. When going around the group, Prepon was the only guest to speak about going through pregnancy loss. Afterwards, several of her fellow attendees came up to her to say that they had also been through a similar experience. “And yet no one talked about it at the table,” Prepon remarks.

“There is a lot of secrecy around it,” says Prepon. “And I get it. It’s a very personal, traumatising thing. I totally understand.” However, the author hopes her book will encourage others to speak openly about their experiences. “Because when women can talk about it, it’s such a relief. Because it’s such a traumatic thing.”

Reading Prepon’s book provides an in-depth insight into how the actor felt when grappling with the evolution of her self-identity as a new mother. But hearing her over the phone, cooing as her daughter interrupts the call, allows me to build a clearer image of the person she has become over the past three years. Figuring out who you are and how to balance the various elements of your life is a continual process. And, as a mother, Prepon learnt that prioritising self-care is an essential part of that.

In her book, Prepon states that self-care “is the furthest thing from an indulgence, it’s a necessity”. And yet, she often feels that “self-care and mum guilt go hand-in-hand”.

“I would come home from a long day at work and I’d miss my family so much, and I also wanted to sit in a bath and decompress,” she states. “But I feel like I don’t deserve that time for myself to zen out when I’ve just been surrounded by 200 people on a set for the last 15 hours. I still feel like I don’t deserve that time because I need to make sure I spend all that extra time with my family.”

But ultimately, Prepon believes that “being refuelled and replenished with self-care” allows her to become a “better person and a better mother”. “It’s easier said than done,” she admits. “I feel that a lot of people struggle with that. And you shouldn’t have to sacrifice yourself. It’s finding that balance. It’s a constant negotiation.”