The best holiday of the year is almost here (I’m talking about Halloween of course), and we can hardly contain our excitement. What’s the only thing that can make trick-or-treating, pumpkin carving, ghost busting and horror movie marathons any better? An arsenal of Halloween jokes at your disposal, duh!
To help you have as much fun as possible in preparation for the all those tricks and treats, we’ve put together a list of 127 of the very best Halloween jokes that are sure to get you awarded the title of pun-king this spooky season. With jokes about everything from mummies to zombies to pumpkins (and even some cheesy dad jokes), finding the perfect spook-tacular one-liner will be the least of your worries. While these jokes may not help you find the perfect Halloween costume or rid your house of paranormal activity, they're sure to lighten the mood in even the most grave situations.
Whether you’re heading to a costume party or passing out candy at home, these jokes are sure to make any guy or ghoul die of laughter (figuratively of course)! If you’re looking for pumpkin else to talk about, check out these Halloween memes and puns. Happy haunting witches!
Funny Ghost and Goblin Jokes
Why do ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
Why did the ghost go into the bar? For the Boos.
What is in a ghost’s nose? Boo-gers.
Why did the policeman ticket the ghost on Halloween? It didn’t have a haunting license.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!
Why did the ghost starch his sheet? He wanted everyone scared stiff.
What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!
Why did the ghost quit studying? Because he was too ghoul for school.
What's a ghost's favorite dessert? I-Scream!
Where do ghosts buy their food? At the ghost-ery store!
How do you know when a ghost is sad? He starts boo hooing.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing? Get a broom!
How do you know you've been ghosted? The poltergeist doesn't text you back.
What's a ghost's favorite play? Romeo and Ghoul-iet.
What does a ghost mom say when she gets in the car? Fasten your sheet-belts.
What kind of horse do ghosts ride? A night-mare
What room does a ghost not need in a house? A living room.
How do ghosts send letters? Through the ghost office.
Funny Mummy Jokes
Why don’t mummies take time off? They’re afraid to unwind.
Why did the headless horseman go into business? He wanted to get ahead in life.
What kind of music do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music.
Why don’t mummies have friends? Because they’re too wrapped up in themselves.
Why couldn’t the mummy go to school with the witch? He couldn’t spell.
How do mummies tell their future? They read their horror-scope.
Where does a mummy go on vacation? The Dead Sea.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
Funny Vampire Jokes
Why did the vampire read the newspaper? He heard it had great circulation.
How do vampires get around on Halloween? On blood vessels.
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire? It’s a pain in the neck.
What’s it called when a vampire has trouble with his house? A grave problem.
How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery? All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit? Neck-tarines.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine? Because he was coffin too much.
What's a vampire's favorite ice cream flavor? Vein-illa.
Why do vampires not want to become investment bankers? They hate stakeholders.
Why are vampires bad at art? They are only able to draw blood.
Funny Skeleton Jokes
Why do skeletons have low self-esteem? They have no body to love.
Know why skeletons are so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
What do you call a cleaning skeleton? The grim sweeper.
What do skeletons order at a restaurant? Spare ribs.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the scary movie? He didn't have the guts.
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow? A numb-skull.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest? No body.
Where does a skeleton go for a fun night? Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
Do you know any skeleton jokes? Yes, but you wouldn't find it very humerus.
What's a skeleton's favorite song? "Bad to the Bone."
Why can't skeletons play church music? Because they have no organs.
Why did the skeleton start a fight? Because he had a bone to pick.
Where did the skeleton keep his money? In the crypt-o market.
What kind of art do skeletons like? Skulltures.
What is a skeleton's favorite instrument? A trom-bone.
Funny Witch Jokes
What do you call a witch’s garage? A broom closet.
What kind of food would you find on a haunted beach? A sand-witch!
What was the witch’s favorite subject in school? Spelling.
What do you call two witches who live together? Broom-mates!
What happened to the witch who flew her broom while angry? She flew off the handle.
Why did the witch take a nap? She needed to rest a spell.
What's a witch's favorite makeup? Ma-scare-a.
What do witches get when their shoes are too tight? Candy corns.
How does a witch style her hair? With scare spray.
What kind of medicine do witches use on their warts? I don't know, but it's not working.
What do you call a witch with a rash? An itchy-witchy.
What's the problem with twin witches? You never know which witch is which.
How did the witch get around when her broomstick broke? She witch-hiked.
Funny Pumpkin Jokes
Why was Cinderella bad at football? Because she had a pumpkin for a coach.
What's a pumpkin's favorite genre? Pulp fiction.
Why did the pumpkin take a detour? To avoid a seedy part of town.
How do you mend a jack-o'-lantern? With a pumpkin patch.
What’s the best thing to put into a pumpkin pie? Your teeth.
Why was the jack-o'-lantern scared? Because it had no guts.
Why was the gourd so gossipy? To give 'em pumpkin to talk about.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
What does a carved pumpkin celebrate? Hollow-een.
Who helped the little pumpkin cross the road? The crossing gourd.
What did the pumpkin say to its carver? Cut it out!
What's a pumpkin's favorite Western? The Gourd, the Bad, and the Ugly
Where does a pumpkin preach? From the pulp-it.
How do gourds grow big and strong? Pumpkin iron.
Why did he jack-o-lantern fail out of school? Someone scooped his brains out.
Funny Zombie Jokes
Why don't zombies like pirates? They're too salty.
What's a zombie's favorite weather? Cloudy, with a chance of brain.
Why did the zombie become a mortician? To put food on the table.
What do you call zombies in pajamas? The sleepwalking dead.
Why aren't zombies ever arrested? They can't be captured alive.
What's a zombie's favorite treat? You might guess brain food, but it's actually eye candy.
What sea do zombies swim in? The dead sea.
What brand of shampoo do zombies use? Head and Shoulders.
Why don't zombies eat popcorn with their hands? They eat their hands separately.
Where do zombies live? On a dead-end street.
What's a zombie's favorite cheese? Zom-brie.
What do you call a movie about zombies finding true love? A zom-com.
What do vegetarian zombies eat? Graaaains!
How do you know if a zombie likes someone? They ask for seconds.
What kind of bread do zombies like? Whole brain.
What is a zombie sleepover called? Mass grave.
Halloween Dad Jokes
How do vampires start their letters? Tomb it may concern.
Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of all the coffin.
How do you get rid of demons? Exorcise a lot.
I dropped my pumpkin yesterday. Jack-o-lantern? More like crack-o-lantern!
Where do ghosts go on vacation? Mali-boo.
I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very humerus.
Why don't I like Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit? Neck-tarines.
How many cannibals does it take to change a lightbulb? I don't know but you really shouldn't be in the dark with a cannibal.
What do dentists hand out at Halloween? Candy. It's good for business.
Who's the scariest body builder of all time? Dr. Frankenstein.
Why don't werewolves ever know the time? Because they're not whenwolves.
Why was the cemetery chosen to be the perfect location to write a movie? Because it had great plots.
What was the chicken ghost's name? Poultrygeist.
More Halloween Jokes That Are Too Punny!
Who helps the little pumpkins cross the road safely? The crossing gourd.
What treat do eye doctors give out on Halloween? Candy corneas.
What type of plants do well on all Hallow’s Eve? Bam-BOO!
Why does a witch ride a broomstick? So she can make a clean getaway.
Why do ghosts make the best cheerleaders? They have a lot of spirit!
What does the vampire's Valentine say? You're just my blood type.
Halloween Knock-Knock Jokes
Knock Knock? Who's there? Iguana. Iguana who? Iguana eat all your candy.
Knock Knock? Who's there? Boo! Boo who? Don't cry, it's only Halloween.
Knock Knock? Who's there? Phillip! Phillip who? Phillip my bag with candy!
Knock Knock? Who's there? Ivana! Ivana who? Ivana suck your blood!
Knock Knock? Who's there? Orange! Orange who? Orange you glad it's Halloween?
Knock Knock? Who's there? Figs! Figs who? Figs your doorbell so I can stop knocking!
Knock Knock? Who's there? Witch! Witch who? Witch one of you has my candy?
Knock Knock? Who's there? Ice cream! Ice Cream who? Ice cream every time I see a ghost!
Knock Knock? Who's there? Eddie! Eddie who? Eddie body home? It's Halloween!
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