Last Holiday Season, My Family Lost Our Home in a Fire—This Is How It Changed Us

A terrible tragedy taught us how to go on after disaster—and how to keep celebrating.

Almost a year ago, my family lost our home and all of our belongings in a fire. My husband and I have two small children—material recuperation and emotional healing have been a process. At our old house, holidays were one of the best parts of the year; a time for celebration, gratitude, and family. At Christmas, specifically, we’d have a ball decorating the house with trinkets and tinsel, making precious memories all the while. Since we’re starting over this year, and given the fire was so soon after the holiday season last year, we’re approaching the season with care.

“Emotions will arise during your first holiday season post-disaster. The most important thing we can do is to honor our feelings and emotions,” says licensed therapist Jordan Beckhum. She warns against forcing ourselves to feel a certain way or practicing emotional avoidance, as this can make things even more difficult. Beckhum also says that accepting the fact that your life looks radically different now is a vital step in the recovery process. “Allow yourself the space to grieve the parts of you affected by disaster and the life that is now changed forever.”

When the outside air began to cool and stores rolled out artwork of snowmen, Santa Claus figurines, and reflective ornaments, I had multiple honest conversations with my husband about how it felt to start over after carefully curating decor and reveling in the memories associated with them. Post-fire, I also stepped away from my full-time job in favor of contract work. I did this so I could be more present with my children. I also wanted to step outside of the intense routine, focus on my health, and work towards healing from the loss. While those things were accomplished, our household income isn’t the same as it was. I find myself inspecting price tags with more regularity than I have in a few years. That’s not a bad thing, either.

We’re leery of spending too much to try and compensate for all the things we lost because we want to keep a nest egg for gifts and smaller items like edible treats/food and plan for the upcoming year. I’ve been adamant about being transparent with family and friends, who’ve kindly pitched in to help. We juggled whether to buy a reusable artificial tree—which can fall on the more expensive side depending on size—or a one-time use live tree for cheaper. (We settled on a $100 artificial tree.) The holiday season is a time when people go above and beyond with spending, but having real talks with my spouse, family, and friends, and having a budget, has helped.

“Everyone needs help with money at some point, so you don’t feel embarrassed to ask family or people close to you if you need help. If you ask for help, be upfront about whether or not you’ll be able to pay them back, and if you’ll be paying someone back, be honest about the time frame you can realistically get the borrowed money back to them,” notes Alix Langone, business journalist, and personal finance expert. “Some people don’t feel comfortable mixing friendship and money, so be prepared for the possibility [that] they may say no.”

My husband and I were clear about what we could and couldn’t afford. Even when we technically could make something extra happen, we sometimes chose to conserve our resources. (I’ve never regretted keeping some cash to the side!)

We also started shopping for presents in the fall, so all of the expenses wouldn’t hit in November. We started by coming up with a number for how much to spend on the kids, got presents little by little, and went to a variety of stores to compare prices/have a reasonable range. We agreed to get both of our kids one “big” item; something that was sizable and under the $60 mark. I bought my daughter’s big present, a doll house, during a Black Friday sale and we’re getting my son an indoor basketball hoop, which will be no more than $50.

We shopped at Ross, Walmart, Target, and Big Lots for the majority of their things. Our families got them a few items as well. We all worked together to make the process smooth, especially since it followed a life shift.

“We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to go all out during the holidays because there is a lot of pressure to buy presents, decorate and go to holiday parties. It’s easy to get caught up in spending money during the holidays because there’s an emotional aspect to buying presents for your children or wanting your family to enjoy themselves,” says Langone. “But just like any other time of year, there are plenty of ways to make memories that don’t involve spending money.”

Beckum also says that untethering yourself from the way things were, in the form of traditions, can be helpful as well. “Something to try is recreating a tradition when it comes to holidays. You do not have to do things the same because life is not the same. Allow yourself to create new traditions and practices that honor your grief and allow you to renew yourself.”

Some fun, low-cost activities my family and I are enjoying this year are coloring Christmas pages together, reading classics like The Nutcracker and The Night Before Christmas, making shirts with handprint reindeer, decorating the tree, and watching neighborhoods emanate the warm glow of Christmas lights. We’re also putting an educational/developmental spin on things by writing our names in glitter pen on our stockings! These are some of the things I did with family and friends as a kid and I’ve never forgotten them. Truthfully, I don’t remember every single present, but I do remember the way that connecting with loved ones felt. Balancing those invaluable experiences with tangible gifts helped take some of the intensity out of this time.

I’ve also been sure to remember what this season is all about. Yes, the gifts and decorations are all wonderful, but I’m happy that we’re together and able to celebrate our faith, family, and triumph over adversity. The past year has been trying in several ways. I never could’ve imagined that a 20-minute fire would change our lives, but it did—and I am grateful. We squeeze each other a bit tighter during hugs, laugh hard during nights spent watching How The Grinch Stole Christmas (another new family activity), and dance with even more joy as we listen to “Santa Baby” and place ornaments on the tree.

“The beauty of the holiday season is that you can make them what you need them to be for you,” Beckham tells me. “The bells and whistles are not what make the holidays, you are.”

For more Parents news, make sure to sign up for our newsletter!

Read the original article on Parents.