I Know I’m Supposed to Move Out of My Mom’s House. But She’s the Perfect Roommate.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding, 

I’m afraid to move out of my mom’s house. Right before the pandemic, after another terrible experience with a roommate costing me some of my savings, my mom said I could move in with her until I saved up enough to rent my own place. Then the pandemic hit and housing costs skyrocketed. I, however, got promoted. With my new salary, I could have just squeaked by in a decent apartment on my own, but my mom suggested I save up for a house. So we set an agreement on how much money I could save before needing to move out. I’ve hit that amount but between my job possibly relocating me and the terrible financing options, my mom has given me at least another year, maybe two. She’s not being pushy and she’s been very generous so far, but I am freaking out about moving out.

It’s not like I’ve never lived on my own—I’ve lived both with roommate and by myself, but I just love my life with my mom. We get along so well. We have on of those relationships that makes other women feel jealous. I just don’t think we can keep that kind of relationship up over the phone. We have so many unexpected moments of fun. We live in a large city and the closest place I can afford to where my mother lives is a minimum of 30 minutes away, possibly close to an hour. That means I will only be able to see her on weekends, which I usually reserve for going out with my friends. I’ll probably only get to see her once a week, if that. And then there’s the added fear of what happens if I move to a different cities. These fears have seemingly come out of nowhere. I was the one who brought up the transfer from my company more than a year ago. I’ve been saving ideas for renovating and decorating my new place. But very suddenly, I just can’t see myself moving out of my mother’s. I’m not willing to get another roommate as every person I’ve lived with save one has been absolutely terrible. I’m just feeling very torn about what to do. Do you have any words of wisdom?

—Moving Fears

Dear Moving Fears,

It isn’t surprising that you have some anxiety over leaving your mother’s home, especially considering how great a relationship the two of you have. Leaving the nest once you hit age 18 is a very American concept; many people throughout the world live in multi-generational homes long term, if not indefinitely. You don’t actually have to leave your mother’s home, at least not yet, if she’s willing to have you there a while longer. She may enjoy your living arrangement too, and perhaps you can keep it up long enough to afford a home closer to where she lives. Talk to her about these plans, ask her how she feels about all of it, and tell her how much you love living with her! (She might love to hear that you do.)

If you find that you absolutely have to go because of your job or some other reason, while you’ll certainly miss living with your mom, you’ll eventually adjust to this new way of life. It’ll just take some time. You can work on creating a schedule that allows you to see her at least once a week and to talk on the phone/FaceTime regularly. It’s normal to be nervous about leaving home, even if it’s not the first time you’ve done it. But take some time to consider whether you have to do it again just yet, or if you can keep the good times going a little bit longer.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a mom to a 2-year-old boy and I’m at a bit of a loss. My son is fearless. Consequences mean absolutely nothing to him, whether parent-induced (“If you hit the cat, you’ll sit in time out”) or gravity-induced (he routinely jumps, tumbles, falls off things on purpose despite warnings to not). He hits, bites, and is generally a little terrorist. I’ve tried gentle parenting, I’ve tried attachment parenting—you name it and I’ve tried it. Discipline does absolutely nothing, whether it’s removing a toy, time out, being sent to his room…nothing works. He can be so sweet and snuggly but when he gets into a mischievous mood (we call him “pesty,”) there is nothing that works and he just won’t listen to me or my husband.

I’m at my wit’s end. If given half a chance, he’s the kind of kid that will bolt into traffic, cackling hysterically because he thinks it’s funny to make me chase him. I don’t believe in corporal punishment but how on earth do I get through to him that he needs to listen to me because 1) I’m his mother and thems the breaks and 2) for his and others’ safety? I’m utterly exhausted and totally out of ideas.

—Trying Not to Raise an A-Hole

Dear Trying,

While some of it may be attributed to youthful exuberance and a naturally carefree spirit, it’s possible that your son may simply be incapable of controlling himself without some sort of intervention. It may seem early, but your son isn’t too young to see a behavioral therapist who might have some ideas as to why he acts the way he does and ways to help him. Consider getting him into therapy, sooner than later.

In the meantime, remain consistent about correcting his behavior while continuously explaining why he’s made a mistake (“We don’t hit the cat because that hurts the cat and we don’t hurt people or animals”). Make sure you’re giving him affirmation when he does something correctly or follows a rule (“I love the way you said ‘I’m sorry’ after you bumped into me”). I’d also invest in a safety harness for when you’re out in public, and don’t worry about what some of your skeptical friends and family may say about it; they can be a literal lifesaver for a kid who’s known to run off. But even as your patience wears thin, don’t get so accustomed to your son’s behavior that you begin to give it a pass—keep lovingly correcting him as needed.

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Dear Care and Feeding, 

My ex and I have a 10-year-old daughter. We split custody 50-50, alternating every two weeks with some exceptions so that holidays can be shared. He got her an iPhone for her tenth birthday this summer. I would have rather waited another two to three years, but he didn’t ask for my input. He does not limit her phone use during his custody time.

During my custody time, I use parental controls. During the school day and at night when she should be asleep, her phone can only be used to call or text certain approved contacts (parents, grandparents, stepmom, stepsister, emergency services). Screen time on the phone is limited to 45 minutes on weekdays and two hours on weekend days. I put further time limits on specific apps that I know destroy kids’ attention spans (I teach 8th graders, so I’ve seen the effects firsthand). As she gets older, I plan to gradually become less restrictive.

The problem is that since getting the phone, the transitions from Dad’s house to mine have become miserable. My daughter is very irritable. She gets angry when she hits her daily limit of phone time. She complains and whines and pleads with me over and over. At bedtime, she insists that she “needs” to scroll her phone watching videos in order to fall asleep, and gets upset when I say no. This usually lasts for four to six days before she settles into things here.
I thought that this would get better with time as she got used to the different phone rules at different homes, but it’s been four months and if anything, it’s gotten worse. I’m upset that I’m spending nearly half my custody time dealing with a kid in phone withdrawal (after already spending a ridiculous amount of my workday dealing with kids and their phones). What can I do to make the transition from my ex’s house to mine go more smoothly?

—Sick of Phone Battles

Dear Phone Battles,

I have to ask: Is there any way you could get your ex on board with limiting her phone time at his house? He really ought to hear what a difficult time she has transitioning at your house (and how bad it is for kids to have unlimited screen time). Consistency across both homes would help your daughter a great deal. But I suspect you’ve likely already tried this or it isn’t really a viable option.

Barring the ability to get her dad to change his practices, your daughter is simply going to have to learn to live with the difference between her two households. Make sure that you’re helping to provide ways to fill the time that she’d prefer to spend scrolling; go to the library every two weeks and check out books together, invest in some arts and crafts for her to work on, make sure she’s regularly doing a few chores. And remember giving her time to be “bored” will be great for her in the long run—encourage it! When she begs for more time on her phone, remind her that she’s very lucky to have one in the first place.

Dear Care and Feeding,

A few years ago, I submitted my DNA to one of those sites, hoping to find out some fun information about my ethnicity. About six months after I had gotten my results, a DNA match popped up showing a close familial relationship with someone I had never heard of. They reached out, indicating that their father had been adopted and that they were interested in his family history. I had no idea what they were on about and assumed that maybe one of my uncles or aunts had some secret I had just inadvertently discovered. In questioning my mom, the truth came out. She had discovered she was pregnant by another man, after just having met my dad and gave the baby up for adoption.

My mom indicated that she did not want to open up this situation again and did not even want me to discuss it with my sibling (who likely would react badly, to be fair). She asked me to not converse with the person on the DNA site anymore and to just let it lie. I admit that I have struggled with this. I would not mind having a relationship with this person (they seem quite nice) I have respected my mother’s wishes and did not respond to their last email. A couple of years have gone by, and this person has reached out again. I really don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to reach out, but I love my mom dearly and I don’t want to upset her.

—Family Ties

Dear Family Ties,

There’s no clear right or wrong answer here. You’ll have to decide which path you can live with. You don’t have to upset your mother; you can pursue a relationship with this person without telling her. It may be difficult for you to do that as you get to know your sibling, but it’s imperative that you honor your mother’s wishes and that you don’t try to connect the two of them—even if your sibling pleads with you. There would be nothing wrong with you getting to know them and helping them to better understand their family tree, even if they aren’t able to access other relatives (through you, at least, for you know how this could disrupt your mother’s life).

But it may also feel impossible to keep such a thing from her, in which case it would be best that you didn’t further connect with your sibling. Whatever you decide, I can’t overemphasize the importance of leaving your mother out of it. She made what was likely a difficult decision to put her child up for adoption and she does not want to meet them. You need to do what feels right to you, and take all the time you need to make that decision.

—Jamilah

I have a 2-year-old son who recently developed a problem going to sleep in his own bed. One night, after our bedtime routine of reading stories, his dad and I were saying good night and his dad added the “don’t let the bedbugs bite!” saying. Immediately, a look of horror crossed my son’s face and he sat up and pointed at the bed asking “Bite? Bite?” over and over.