How Do You Know You’re Falling Out of Love? We Asked Relationship Experts
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The feeling of falling in love is unmistakeable in the very best way. You're excited and loose track of time when you're with your partner, you miss them when they're not around, and the butterflies in your stomach are next-level. But how do you know when you're falling out of love? That feeling might not be as obvious, which is why we consulted sex and relationships therapists about how to identify it, and more importantly, how to deal with it.
An important caveat, though: Just because you're not head-over-heels for your partner anymore, doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is doomed. In fact, staying in the honeymoon phase (AKA, those early months or years of the relationship when everything seems fun and new) forever isn't realistic, explains sex and relationships therapist Kaylee Rose Friedman, LMFT. During this time, “we tend to overlook the qualities we dislike, and as we get to know the person better, our own projections are replaced by the truths of who they actually are,” Friedman says. Once you're out of the honeymoon phase and life get's real, as time goes on, you might find that you're both changing—which is normal and human! But if you're becoming increasingly incompatible instead of growing closer, take note.
“If you have core values that do not align, this may cause you to look differently at the person you are in a relationship with,” explains sex and relationships therapist Karen Washington, PhD, LMFT. Unfortunately, this new lens may “diminish the positive feelings you have,” she says, and as a consequence, you might find yourself falling out of love.
While only you can really know how you feel about your S.O., here are some signs to look out for, according to experts.
1.You Don’t Think (Or Really Care) About Your Partner Anymore
“A big sign you've fallen out of love is a complete sense of being checked out from the relationship,” Washington explains. Your partner no longer feels important to your day-to-day life or your future, and you may even find yourself daydreaming about moving on with someone else, Washington says. And while fantasizing and some levels of waning interest in your partner’s daily happenings is completely normal, if you simply don’t care about them or your relationship, that's a pretty telltale sign you're falling out of love.
2. Your Sex Life is Deteriorating
Okay, first off: There are tons of factors that could affect your sex life in a relationship. Maybe you're both really busy, or overwhelmed with work or school, or in a transitionary period where sex isn't top of mind—and that's okay! A lackluster sex life does not always have to mean you’re falling out of love, Washington says.
However, “relationships that are on their way to being over will likely have a lack of sexual interaction,” Washington explains. If you don't feel good about your partner, you're probably not going to feel good about being intimate with them. But everyone's situation is different. Ask yourself whether there are any present situations you can point to that might explain your lack of sex. Is it about them, or is it about what's happening around you? Do you still feel desire toward your partner? Is this issue one that you want to fix? Your answers might be able to point you in the right direction, and don't be afraid to seek help from a certified sex and relationships therapist to help you find them.
3. You Don’t Want to Spend Time With Your Partner
If spending time together feels like more trouble than it’s worth, or you legitimately dread having to see your partner, Washington says that's a sign you're not invested anymore. Spending time with your partner should feel exciting, or at least like a part of your day that brings respite, not sadness or irritation.
"This is a good time to check in and see if anything can be done to rectify the sense of avoidance,” Washington says, perhaps through attending therapy or having a serious one-on-one conversation with them. Is this an issue you can work on together? Does the issue feel temporary, or like something deeper and more permanent?
4. You’re Completely Drained by Your Relationship Issues And Feel Contempt Toward Your Partner
Feeling drained from dealing with the issues in your relationship can, in turn, make it hard to feel grounded or at peace, which can ultimately lead to contempt, Friedman says. You might find yourself rolling your eyes at your partner or feeling like they can’t do anything right. If you perpetually look at them with negative feelings or resentment, you might be falling out of love, Washington explains.
“When there’s a constant sense of frustration, or what we sometimes in therapy call negative sentiment override (aka: when you can only see the negatives), this can be hard to come back from,” Washington says. While these feelings can be overcome through communication or couples therapy, for some couples, it’s simply not possible, and it could be a sign that you're better off going your separate ways.
5. You Don't Consider Their Feelings
“When we love, we take others into consideration and do not intentionally cause them hurt or harm,” Washington says. A happy couple in love might hurt each other from time-to-time, but the difference is that there will be remorse and a desire to resolve the issue.
When you're in love with someone, the last thing on your mind is hurting their feelings! You won't want to make mean comments or do anything to betray their trust. If you have such a strong aversion to your partner and their needs that you don’t mind cheating, or lying, or doing something you know would hurt them on purpose, consider that a sign that you're falling out of love.
6. You've Lost Respect for Them
Over time, you might learn things about your partner’s values or choices that could make you lose respect for them, Friedman says. Maybe they betrayed your trust in a way you can't come back from, or you've learned something new about their past or current lifestyle that you can't get over. This could lead to a rupture in your relationship that can “damage a connection very deeply,” Friedman says. This is especially true if your partner has crossed your boundaries one too many times, leading to resentment and love lost down the line.
7. You've Lost Trust in Them
Just as important as respect? Trust. You probably know this by now, but trust is the foundation of every healthy relationship. If you don’t trust your partner to show up for you or meet your needs in a way that’s necessary for your relationship to function, you might find it hard to stay in love with them, Washington says. It can be frustrating to consistently deal with someone who erodes your boundaries or ignores your desires, which may lead you to feel straight-up resentment toward your partner.
It goes without saying that every relationship is different, and there's nuance to every single situation. Perhaps some of these signs are present in your relationship, but both you and your partner are willing to work on them together—a sign that love between you might still exist and could thrive with some TLC. A sex and relationships therapist can be a helpful resource to help you either get there together, or figure out how best to move forward if one or both of you actually is out of love and wants to part ways. But no matter the situation, you deserve the love and the relationship that you want, and communicating about how you're feeling is crucial to helping you get there, whether that's with your current partner, with someone new, or on your own.
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