"I Know I Did the Right Thing, Even on the Hard Days"
Mexican-American Mercedes Bristol is a single grandmother in Texas raising her five grandchildren and the founder of Texas Grandparents Raising Grandchildren.
My five grandchildren came to live with me a decade ago. In 2011, I took the children in when they were 3 months old, 3 1/2, 6, 7 and 9 years old. At the time, I was 57 and thinking of retirement (I had worked as a social worker). I had been divorced for eight years, and my mother, whom I had cared for, had just passed away. I wanted to travel.
But there was no one else to care for my grandchildren. That’s how I became a parent again—without nine months to prepare. All of a sudden, I had five children. I was overwhelmed with the process of raising all of them, and I didn’t think of the long-term effects of giving up my retirement years. I did what my mom would have done—keep the family together.
The infant was born with acute breathing problems and was on a nebulizer. Once I had to rush the baby to the hospital because he had a 103°F fever and was having difficulty breathing. I had to take the rest of the kids with me because I didn’t have any other support.
There were a lot of growing pains like that. Figuring out how to help these children was my focus. The day-to-day stress of keeping them going was difficult. I hired a young girl from my church to help three times a week with making dinner and putting them to bed. After two years, I retired at 60 years old and stayed home to be a full-time mommy.
Adjusting to our new family structure was challenging
It was very difficult for the older children to transition from seeing me as their abuela to seeing me as their parent figure. The middle child had oppositional defiance and post-traumatic stress disorder. In school, when they’d give him something for his parents to sign, he’d say he didn’t have parents. He didn’t want me to go to his band performance, and he didn’t want to take pictures with me. I showed him his birth certificate where it says on paper I’m his parent. I told him I’d never be his biological mother, but I’d raise him the best I could.
I remember going to Walmart and buying school supplies after the kids came to live with me for good. I got overwhelmed with the amount of stuff you have to do as a parent. The kids were running around; I started crying, and we went home. I sent them to school without school supplies. The next day, when the older children were in school, I went and purchased what they needed.
They were being teased at school about being raised by their grandma, which made me very sad. I still have that same sadness. Today, the middle child still doesn't want to go places with me. He refuses to go to church with me.
After I adopted the baby, I got my foster care license so I could access financial assistance. I did foster-to-adoption with the four older children, even though I couldn’t understand being a foster parent to your kin. It shouldn’t be that way for grandparents. When you’re a family and you already have an established relationship with the children, you shouldn’t have to get a foster care license to access financial assistance.
I felt driven to help other families like mine
Even though I was raising five children on my own, I knew I had to help others like me. By the grace of God I was able to start an organization, Texas Grandparents Raising Grandchildren, so other grandparents would know they were not alone. TXGRG is a place to be supported and empowered. The organization provides education, mental health and legal support and even food and clothing to grandparents in the state raising grandchildren. We have resources to connect grandparents with services or agencies that can help them navigate the system and provide for their families. We educate other grandparents on how to advocate with Child Protective Services; provide grandparents with knowledge of their rights and assistance obtaining conservatorship; and reach out to community partners to provide tangible help like paying for rent, utilities and necessities if needed.
We get calls on a daily basis with stories about CPS giving grandparent caregivers problems after placing the children with them. Most important, we provide community and hope that together we can advocate for changes in the state by making our needs known. We fight for our rights, and we fight for our kids and for them to be safe.
Recently I worked with Texas State Senator Jose Menendez on expanding the scope of a recently passed bill that will help grandparent and kinship caregivers with financial assistance. Previously it would have benefited only grandparents who were at least 45 years old, but we have grandparents in their 30s. After I testified, the bill was revised to make the benefits available to any family caregiver over 25 who takes custody of children.
Advocacy work and my kids keep me busy
My kids are now 20, 18, 17, 14 and 11 years old. I get up early and make sure they have breakfast and take their meds and I get them to school; then I look at my calendar and start working on TXGRG. Sometime during the day, I prepare dinner, and then I work some more. I pick up the younger child from school and continue to work or pick up the two in high school when they have late band days. I try to rest. I try to schedule meetings when the kids are in school. If they’re home, I take them with me to meetings. If I need to go out of town, I get someone to stay with them to help me out.
I know I did the right thing, even on the hardest days. Even though it’s a lot, I know my work is important. For my family, I’m glad the kids weren’t separated and that they know each other. I’m hoping I can stay strong to get them through the next few years, but I am also fearful of leaving them too soon. The eldest two have moved out of the house and are pursuing their studies. It feels really good that they’re finding their purpose. I have too.
This story was created as part of From Our Abuelas in partnership with Lexus. From Our Abuelas is a series running across Hearst Magazines to honor and preserve generations of wisdom within Latinx and Hispanic communities. Go to oprahdaily.com/fromourabuelas for the complete portfolio.
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