Kinsler: And this one has no electronic controls

So, for those who are keeping track, we finally bought a new mattress the other day. Nice folks, good price, and we finally learned the meaning of ‘compromise’ as applied to the nuptial sack.

Of perhaps greater significance, Natalie finally found a pillow that she likes. “Oh, no, you don’t,” intoned my sweet short spouse as we lay abed the other night. I looked at her with shocked innocence, for while my criminal record indicates several incidences of pillow theft (the Class II offense occurs when the victim is temporarily absent, distracted by a cat or other needs, while Class III is reserved for occasions when the prospective victim is present and is, in fact, actively battling for possession of said pillow.) But in this case, I was merely observed within theft range of her new pillow, and unjustified suspicions were acted upon. *

We’d already decided on our new mattress when the salesman presented what has since been dubbed the Pillow of Divine Manufacture, for upon the very first test she lay her little head down and thereafter refused every entreaty to get back up, pay for everything, and depart, for the store was closing for the evening.

“O Pillow!” was her sole response, “Where have you been all my life?”

We briefly entertained the strategy of retrieving her up the following morning, but store management was understandably reluctant to cooperate. She was dreaming of sleep (if you can do that) when we finally arrived home, the Pillow clutched defensively in her arms.

The store delivered the new mattress shortly thereafter, and after the set-up procedure (I didn’t know that every mattress sold since 2008 is accompanied with a “quick start” guide.) went back downstairs and noticed that our two cats had vanished. Perhaps they’d been frightened by the mattress guys, we speculated.

They had not. For upstairs we found both of them laid out on the new mattress like the honored dead of the Peruvian Revolution. Nor did either one deign to acknowledge our presence with the flick of an ear or a quiet murff of greeting. The new mattress was thus pronounced a hit.

*The Pillow in question is returned promptly once its entertainment value has been extracted.

Mark Kinsler, kinsler33@gmail.com, lives in our old house in Lancaster with Natalie, who is baking a cake, and the two striped cats, who are fine and should be back snoring on the bed by now.

This article originally appeared on Lancaster Eagle-Gazette: Kinsler: The saga of the new mattress (and pillow) continues