My kids were feeding off my negative energy—and I knew it had to stop
Despite working through lunch so I could pick my kids upon time, my day of seeing patients and performing various dental surgeries had run long. When we finally made it home, my kids were tired, hungry, and they missed Daddy, who was working a 24-hour shift at the hospital an hour away from our home.
As I wondered if I documented how many sutures I had placed during my last procedure of the day, I scolded myself for having the urge to toss a frozen pizza in the oven instead of cooking a nutritious meal. I scrambled to steam carrots while comforting my teething daughter on my hip. I glanced at the microwave clock and chided myself for not getting dinner on the table sooner.
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At that moment, my son began to pepper me with a thousand requests that my exhausted brain couldn’t process. I immediately thought: “Why can’t he just leave me alone? Can’t he see I’m trying to get dinner done and she’s crying? He’s making this evening hard for no reason”. I suddenly snapped at my little boy, and as I watched his eyes get wide with confusion and hurt, I felt like I got punched in the gut.
It was at that moment I had an eye-opening epiphany: My son wasn’t trying to make things harder. After all, he was only five years old. He just missed his dad and had been away from me all day. I realized that his incessant questions were his way of trying to connect with me.
I turned the stove off, knelt down and wrapped him in my one free arm, all while my daughter continued whimpering in the other. I whispered, “I’m sorry, Bubs, I know you just want to be with me. I want to be with you, too.” He smiled and responded, “You do? I thought you were mad at me because you are so (contorted his face into a grumpy scowl).”
Related: Dear partner: I’m sorry for when I take my mom rage out on you
His perspective stopped me in my tracks. My furrowed brow and terse tone were a mere reflection of the internal conflict and stress I was experiencing. No wonder the kids were having a really hard time—They were feeding off my energy, which ended up compounding the hunger and exhaustion they were already feeling.
I took it upon myself to approach the rest of the evening in a completely different fashion. Instead of thinking about how tired I was or finding fault in how the kids were behaving, I reminded myself that my children wanted—and in fact, needed—to be with me. I thought about how fortunate I was to be a mom, that I had a home to live in and food to eat. Once I started thinking about what else I was grateful for, I couldn’t stop.
My list of things I was grateful for grew longer and my appreciation for what I had grew deeper. My face softened, and so did my tone. I felt my chest relax and my heart rate slow. I became less reactive and more present. The more I connected with my children, the easier and more responsive they became. Dinner seemed easier, cleanup faster and bath time more fun. We snuggled and played, and after the whole dinner/bathtime/bedtime song and dance was over, I was able to go back downstairs feeling proud of myself, fulfilled and strangely peaceful.
That evening was a powerful learning experience: going about my day with my new lens of gratitude helped me be the mom I wanted to be and allowed me to get things done faster and more effectively.
Related: To the moms at pick-up: Thank you for being the connection I needed
Gratitude, when practiced consistently, can help us retrain our brains to see what’s going right instead of allowing our brains to run on the default mode of finding what’s insufficient or wrong. I look at gratitude as an insurance policy for the fulfillment and peace that we so deeply want and work so hard chasing in life. It’s a habit that many highly successful and happy people practice on the regular, and you can, too. Practicing gratitude has a myriad of benefits, ranging from lower blood pressure, better sleep, resistance to stress, healthier relationships, and so much more. It doesn’t cost anything, can be done anywhere, and does not have to take much time.
Here are my tried-and-true tips on how to cultivate an effective gratitude practice, so you can take yourself from busy and frustrated to productive and connected to the people and things you care most about in your life.
How to practice gratitude
1. Make it quick but effective
Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths through your nose, and pick something for which you are genuinely grateful. Soak up that feeling. Allow your face to relax and permit the gratitude to wash over you. Doing this can take as little as a minute.
Related: The surprising benefits children gain from giving thanks
2. Pick a time of day you want to incorporate gratitude
Morningtime is good because it sets you up for a great day ahead. Before bed is also a good option, because it can help induce restful sleep, which enhances performance and well-being. Mid-day can be great to help you avoid the “mid-afternoon slump.” In short, anytime is a great time for gratitude. Just make sure that you do it at the same time each day to increase your chances of making this a habit that sticks.
3. Do it daily
Consistency is better than intensity (length/duration) in terms of creating meaningful results.
4. Stack it with another habit you already have in place
This ensures your practice of gratitude actually gets done. Here are some ideas to get you started:
Before you get out of bed each morning
While brushing your teeth
Before eating lunch
Coming home, before walking in the door or getting out of your car
Right after you get in bed for the night
5. If you’re looking to add a little “oomph” to your experience
Reflect on why you’re grateful, journal about it or verbally share it with your child, partner or even pet! Doing this with my kids has deepened our connection with each other, and fostered so much more compassion, empathy and trust.
Though it may seem cheesy, gratitude is an all-too-underappreciated and simple, surefire way to help us be at peace in the moment, and to create a sense of happiness and fulfillment with ease, especially as we look for ways to better integrate all that comes with modern working motherhood.
