Kids and aggression: What parents need to know about 'acting out' vs. more extreme behavior

Babies bite. Toddlers throw tantrums. Kids play rough. Siblings might swat at each other while fighting over toys or the last popsicle. It's not uncommon for children — especially younger ones who lack impulse control or struggle to communicate when they want something — to have outbursts. According to a new survey commissioned by the Goddard School, it's also not uncommon for this display of aggressive behavior to stress parents out.

In a survey of 2,000 parents of kids aged 6 and under, 46% reported feeling worried about aggression in their child. That tracks with some of the concerns Mary Marshall, an infant-toddler developmental specialist at Orlando Health's Howard Phillips Center for Children and Families in Orlando, Fla., has fielded firsthand.

"Parents' questions are usually geared toward certain behaviors: throwing tantrums, screaming, hitting, spitting, biting," she tells Yahoo Life. "It can be embarrassing, frustrating and worrisome for parents to see their child act out aggressively."

What's the line between a common, age-appropriate outburst and something that might signal there's a behavioral, developmental or mental health issue at play? Experts explain what's typical, and what merits more serious investigation.

Typical aggressive behaviors in children

"Naturally, children will demonstrate aggressive behavior at times," says pediatrician Dr. Kelly Fradin, author of Advanced Parenting: Advice for Helping Kids Through Diagnoses, Differences and Mental Health Challenges. "Hitting, biting, pushing and raising your voice are all strategies children use to communicate and advocate for their needs. Most frequently this comes up in the toddler years; a child is frustrated or wants something and they hit or bite to get the attention or toy they would like. Parents should not feel guilty or worried when this occurs."

She and Marshall cite the following behaviors as typical for young kids.

• Biting

• Hitting

• Pushing

• Shouting

• Spitting

• Playing rough (such as grabbing a toy from a friend)

• Dropping to the floor and crying

"Especially in young children ages 1 to 5, this is typical," adds Marshall.

How parents should react to aggressive behavior in the moment

Both Marshall and Fradin encourage parents to keep a clear head to help defuse the situation.

"First, I would make sure the child is physically OK and not injured," says Marshall. "If the child is OK, then I would remove them from the situation if possible. For whatever reason, the child is overwhelmed and needs the adult to take control." She also recommends "waiting quietly until the child is calmer and can listen to the parent’s words," before launching into any lectures.

"When a child behaves aggressively, the parent or caregiver should view it as a teaching opportunity," adds Fradin. "We want to offer a clear, firm 'no' and ensure the safety of everyone in the environment." Like Marshall, she suggests giving an upset child time to cool down. "In the moment of acting aggressive, normally a child is not well-regulated and is thus not able to learn. For very young children, a 'no' and interruption to the activity is a clear lesson. For older children, after they have had the chance to regulate their emotions, you may be able to discuss the incident and why the behavior is unacceptable and offer other solutions to their problem (whether it's better communicating their needs or regulating their emotions)."

What else can parents do to curb aggressive behavior?

A child acting out — in a typical way — may signal that a basic need isn't being met. For instance, a toddler may struggle to explain that he's fussy because he missed his nap, has an earache or didn't eat enough at lunch, so will rely on a strong action — stomping around and shouting, biting his sister — to convey his anger. Ideally, parents can make sure those needs are met before a tyke hits his or her breaking point.

"For all children, it's often important to prevent the behavior by ensuring children get adequate rest, that pain is treated to the best of our ability and that children aren't hungry," Fradin explains. She adds that teaching children more productive ways to let others know what they want and need. Instead of hitting their baby brother for taking their toy, or yanking it out of his hands, for example, the child could say "no" or "stop," or ask for help from a parent.

"We want to teach communication skills to allow children to express themselves more effectively ... instead of hitting," Fradin says. "We want to teach coping skills to allow children to name big emotions ('I'm mad') and to identify other strategies to cope with those emotions (breathing, resting, asking for help, etc.)."

Marshall also suggests giving children "clear directions" about what's acceptable: "biting hurts," "we don't hit our friends," "use your words." Parents should also "model those behaviors in front of your child so they can see what you expect," she adds. That means that parents shouldn't use physical discipline — including spanking — on their kids, as Marshall says this "signals that hitting is OK." And to reinforce appropriate behavior, it helps to give "specific praise" by saying something like, "I like how you listened and used your words.”

What is considered an overly aggressive behavior?

If a child persists in lashing out or parents are concerned that, say, their kid's biting is more than a phase, they should consider how often these incidents of aggression occur, and how extreme they are.

"We should pay attention to the frequency and intensity of these behaviors, as this is typically how we know whether or not a child needs more support," says Fradin.

Below, Marshall outlines behaviors that could be a red-flag warning that something else is at play:

• The child’s response doesn’t match the scenario, e.g., being overly upset for a trivial thing.

• The child gets stuck and can’t move on from the situation.

• The behaviors significantly interfere with child’s success at school, home or other environments.

• The child uses more severe forms of aggression despite being warned by parents and adults.

• For older children when they can’t show empathy toward others or remorse for what they did, or struggle to understand right from wrong.

What might be causing this overly aggressive behavior?

A number of factors — from poor sleep hygiene to a speech delay — could be contributing to a child's aggressive behavior.

"There could be underlying developmental, behavioral or psychological conditions that can affect a child’s behavior, meaning that the aggression is part of a larger issue that needs to be addressed," Marshall says.

"Sometimes children who are frequently aggressive need a developmental assessment as they may have neurodiversity or delays in their acquisition of speech and language skills related to their aggression," adds Fradin. "Additionally, children who have poor quality sleep or difficulties with emotional regulation will often behave more aggressively. Further investigation can help us find out what resources will best support the child."

What should parents do if they suspect their kid is overly aggressive?

In the moment, parents should make sure that everyone involved is safe from harm. In the event of a violent tantrum — including self-inflicted acts — immediate medical assistance may be required, notes Marshall. She adds that parents should also relay their concerns about behavior to their child's pediatrician, who may direct them to a behavioral health or mental health specialist to learn more.

Getting answers as to whether a child's behavior is truly outside of the norm, and what might be causing it, can feel daunting, but is key to moving forward.

"Parents should not hesitate to ask for help in these situations," says Fradin. "Sometimes parents may feel embarrassed or stigmatized when their child behaves aggressively, but they should not. The solution is rarely 'more discipline' and more often about identifying the reason for the behavior so you can best support the child's well-being."

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