What To Do When Your Kid Doesn’t Show Gratitude

Gratitude is an important quality for kids to have, but they may not always show it. Here's why that may be and what to do.

Medically reviewed by Emily Edlynn, PhD

With every present meticulously wrapped and donning our matching holiday pajamas, my husband and I watched our 4-year-old open her gifts. She tore through the wrapping paper, barely looking at one gift before going to the next.

When all the presents were opened, not one “thank you” had come from her mouth. And this, despite my constant reminders and accolades for saying “please” and “thank you.” I found myself doing the head smack emoji wondering how to fix it.

It was Christmas Day and I simply couldn’t handle my child’s lack of gratitude. I was stunned, upset, and angry. So I threw in the holiday towel and took a nap. And I am not a napper. My body shut down as a way to cope with—or avoid—what I didn’t want to face. Did I accidentally spoil my child? How should I handle my child’s lack of gratitude?

What Does Gratitude Mean

Put simply, gratitude is a state of being thankful and appreciative, according to the American Psychiatric Association.

“It’s feeling the positive emotions associated with different types of gifts,” including conceptual and material, explains Giacomo Bono, PhD, co-author of the book Making Grateful Kids: The Science of Building Character and assistant professor of psychology at California State University, Dominguez Hills.

Gratitude, though, may look different today than say 100 years ago. “The practice of gratitude probably evolved because of humans' use of altruism and cooperation to have a higher quality of life,” says Dr. Bono. He sees gratitude as an “evolutionary mechanism" helping our species improve our own lives.

Why Your Kid May Not Seem Grateful

Kids as young as preschool age can begin to understand some aspects of gratitude. But the truth is, gratitude isn’t something kids are always going to show.

“The first thing is to not overreact and to realize that gratitude is something that develops over lots of opportunities,” says Dr. Bono. “Don't catastrophize and worry that you've ruined your kids.” (Phew!) He reminded me that your child could be grateful but you just haven't had a chance to see it yet.

“Remember that it’s normal for kids to value things and gifts; receiving gifts is very exciting for them,” continues Dr. Bono. “And just because they don’t express gratitude right away is not necessarily a red flag.” (Another phew!)

Young children are just starting to develop something called “theory of mind,” which is understanding that other people can have thoughts different than yours and that those thoughts are driving their behavior. The development of this theory is an essential empathy skill needed for children to understand what gratitude is and how it works.

Dr. Bono adds, “By 5 years old, almost all kids have an understanding of theory of mind.” Once they do, you need to give them multiple chances to notice—let alone thank you for—all the effort you put in. (Ahem, like on my fateful Christmas morning.)

And research suggests children will become more disciplined in learning how to apply gratitude as they mature and develop. They will realize that showing gratitude leads to the social support that can help create new opportunities in life.

Why Gratitude Matters for Kids

Why does gratitude even matter so much? It’s a valuable quality that can help children in different ways as they grow.

• Creates positive relationships. “Practicing kindness and empathy can help us connect to better resources,” says Dr. Bono. Those resources include creating better friendships with people who are kind and helpful. They have life goals and want to help you with yours. Having and practicing gratitude can help you find those friends, improving your quality of life.

• Boosts mental health. Learning to appreciate the little things has been found to make people happier. Research shows gratitude can also lower rates of anxiety and depression, and increase life satisfaction.

• Helps with self-esteem. Gratitude has also been associated with higher levels of self-esteem. Children with positive self-esteem are more confident, better able to cope with mistakes, and do better at school and in their personal relationships.
  

How to Practice Gratitude With Your Kids

Show by example

Just making sure your child has the manners to say “thank you” is not the goal, says Susan Newman, PhD, social psychologist and author of Little Things Long Remembered: Making Your Children Feel Special Every Day. She says, “Forcing the issue is similar to how children ignore a parent’s constant yelling—it becomes white noise; a background that has no meaning or feeling behind it.” (Oops!)

The most effective way to teach gratitude is by example. "Genuine gratitude is not about the recipient, but centers on the giver,” says Dr. Newman. “It’s better for a parent to consistently show and express gratitude in front of their children."

For example, tell an aunt who made you a sweater, “You put so much effort into this. It probably took a long time. I appreciate your hard work.’ So, instead of a vacant ‘thank you,’ you are noting the other person’s effort or talent.”

For Making Grateful Kids, Dr. Bono observed “children seem to understand that gratitude is like love and is connected to kindness. So being kind means you're also grateful."

Have conversations

“Oftentimes kindness happens in a specific context,” says Dr. Bono. “Same with gratitude. A lot of times we push gratitude and kindness on our kids but we need not do it at the level of 'shoulding' on them with our words.”

He suggests having conversations with your children about how they can be more considerate or how to listen more actively and make eye contact when other people are talking with them.

Focus on teachable moments where children are experiencing “moral emotions” like shame, humility, gratitude, embarrassment, and guilt. Dr. Bono says these moments are a chance to point out where they could have been a more moral person.

This practice is called “inductive discipline” and, Dr. Bono says, “talking about these moral emotions and talking about where our kids can better understand what it means to be moral and helpful to others, to not hurt others, and to know how to act differently next time” is the key. He sees this practice as a more democratic process where you get their perspective to understand what and who matters to them.

Get personal

Another way to instill thanks in your children is by showing them gratitude. Shift the focus from material things to who they are and what they do. And make sure you tell your children how you feel when you are grateful for them.

“You want to underscore your offspring’s time, effort, and special attention that was paid to doing or making something for you,” says Dr. Newman. “Being specific makes your child feel valued, even proud, and goes a long way in keeping the ‘thank yous’ from becoming automatic, said without meaning or true understanding of the gratitude.”

Try a gratitude journal

A gratitude journal is an easy way to help remind kids what they’re thankful for. Encourage kids to write down what they are grateful for in a journal each day, once a week, or whenever they are comfortable with.

It can be worth it: Using a gratitude journal has been found to reduce materialism and promote a charitable nature among adolescents. What’s more, practicing grateful thinking regularly can make you happier by up to 25%.

Volunteer together

Volunteering with your children helps shine a light on what they have that others may not, inspiring gratitude and connection. Choose a cause you and your family are passionate about and find ways to volunteer together during the holidays and beyond.

Be patient

Gratitude can take practice and your children may not always appear grateful. So, if the thank yous don’t fly around the room as quickly as the ribbons and bows this year, just remember with patience, understanding, and modeling, they will. And here’s hoping we all manage to stay happy, grateful, (and awake!) this holiday season.

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