Earlier this year, PC Gamer punched some numbers into its calculator and estimated that there were more than 30,000 games available on Steam. That number has undoubtedly increased since January, but we're still 100% confident when we say that there's only one — ONE! — game on the entire platform that requires trying to straight-up romance late KFC founder Colonel Harland Sanders.
KFC just announced the upcoming release of a choose-your-own-adventure style sim called "I Love You Colonel Sanders! A Finger Lickin' Good Dating Simulator" (No, we're not making any of this up, and yes, we're just as surprised as you are to see the words 'Colonel Sanders' and 'Dating Simulator' in the same sentence). If you're the kind of person who's always lowkey had a thing for men with string bow ties, then you're in luck, because the game is mostly about trying to get with a chiseled, prematurely gray — but very much still alive — version of Corbin, Kentucky's original thirst-trap.
Your character in ILYCS is a "promising young student" at the University of Cooking School: Academy For Learning, and you'll have to handle the everyday demands of culinary school while trying to deal with a red-eyed arch-rival named Aeshleigh who "can get anything she wants." Also, one of your professors is a dog.
But mostly you're trying to hook up with Anime Sanders. "The suave Colonel Sanders, in his signature all-white suit and folded-to-perfection bowtie, also joins the culinary school to embark on his journey of becoming the world’s greatest fried chicken salesman, adding to your list of challenges," KFC explained.
This isn't the first time that KFC has tried to play up Sanders' 11 Herbs & Sexiness. Just before Mother's Day 2017, the chicken giant released a very real romance novel called Tender Wings of Desire that breathlessly described the relationship that developed between a rebellious upper-class runaway and a mysterious goateed sailor named Harland.
"To call their affair passionate was an understatement. Sometimes it seemed as though the two of them had been made to love each other, and they tried to do so at every given opportunity," one paragraph read. "Their eyes would meet the instant he walked into the tavern, as if they could feel each other. In that instant, a spark would light and grow quickly into a raging inferno deep within them. They were so consumed that it took every ounce of their restraint not to give into the fire right then and there."
For what it's worth, the real Harland Sanders never went to cooking school; as a small boy, the story goes, he had to learn how to cook for his siblings out of necessity. After a series of railroad-related jobs, a stint as a life-insurance salesman, a brief ferry boat operation, and a failed stint as a lamp manufacturer, Sanders ran a gas station, and he started serving fried chicken there before opening a separate restaurant across the street.
"I Love You Colonel Sanders" will be released on Steam on Tuesday, September 24. Don't you dare let him break your heart.