How to Keep From Passing Your Fears & Anxieties On to Your Kids

Rebecca Rakowitz
·6 min read

The most common fear among parents at Mary Beth Somich’s private practice in North Carolina is that they will pass their own mental health struggles down to their children. Often an additional family member experienced these struggles, and parents worry this history will extend to their children.

“They fear perpetuating these intergenerational cycles and are seeking mental health support as a means of being proactive,” says Somich, LCMHC, a licensed therapist who specializes in family dynamics, boundaries, and anxiety, and the host of the podcast, What My Therapist Thinks. “As a therapist, I am very hopeful when a parent exercises that level of insight and initiative.”

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If you are in the same situation, wondering if your child will inherit your own fears, anxiety, or neurosis, you are probably also wondering if this inheritance falls under nature vs. nurture. The truth, perhaps frustratingly, is that it can be a bit of both. A child whose parent suffers from anxiety is more likely to develop the disorder, and studies suggest that genetic changes from experiencing trauma can be passed down to children or grandchildren.

Even without generational trauma, your child could pick up on your fears through learned behaviors. Children use their parents as a gauge for how to relate to the world, and so they may observe and internalize your fears, anxieties, or neurosis as early as infancy.

“Rational anxiety is not necessarily a bad thing,” Somich says. “However, when it becomes irrational, and it is normalized and accepted within the culture of the home, you run the risk of passing it down and projecting it onto your children in a way that can impact them negatively.”

You may be searching for what to do when you see that impact (and don’t worry, those tips are coming), but seeking professional mental health support for yourself is your strongest line of defense in protecting your child.

It’s good practice to examine your own stress responses, says Jane Hammerslough, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist licensed in New York, Massachusetts, and California, a clinical fellow of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, and the author of more than 25 books for young readers and adults.

Hammerslough also suggests trying her BOAT technique when you feel yourself getting anxious around your child. In the acronym, the first step is to Breathe. When the mind is anxious, people have a constricted view of the situation, so deep breaths can help relax the body and widen that view.

The next step is to Observe your feelings with a nonjudgemental curiosity. Notice it, name it, and then move to the next steps, Acceptance and Thinking. “Say to yourself, ‘I accept that I feel anxious, I accept that this is happening,’ and then think about, “Okay, is it possible or probable that this scenario I am worried about will happen? How possible or probable?’” advises Hammerslough. This can help get you out of a spiral and into the present.

In more specific terms, let’s say you experience social anxiety. While you may dread small talk and happy hours, you probably don’t want your child to feel the same way about playdates and parties.

“With social anxiety, there are often avoidance behaviors at play,” Somich says. “A parent may isolate or avoid social gatherings altogether. This may limit social opportunities for the child, putting them at a disadvantage in terms of building social skills, and potentially passing down social insecurity.”

Somich says you can enlist the help of a trusted adult (is your spouse a social butterfly?) to provide your children with healthy exposure to social situations: “This way your child can see that it is possible to feel comfortable and regulated in social environments.”

It is also important to try not to hover when your child is in social situations, says Erlanger Turner, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist in California and founder of Therapy for Black Kids. Encourage your child to play with peers, but don’t force them to interact if they seem reluctant. This added pressure can deepen their wariness.

Or perhaps you are a fearful flier, but you want to raise a globetrotting tot who is unafraid to step onto a plane. You can talk through your fears with your child by saying, “I am feeling anxious right now because I’m not used to flying. I’m going to take some deep breaths because they help me feel more calm. Would you like to take them with me?” Somich suggests.

This is worthwhile when you notice your child picking up on your own feelings, but if they are content, avoid bending over backward to make the experience not seem scary.

“It may never have occurred to your child that it wasn’t safe because they didn’t know it could be unsafe,” Hommerslaugh says.

Repeatedly telling them not to be afraid can have them second-guessing.

And of course, so many of us are still dealing with the lingering impact of the COVID-19 pandemic — especially if we had an aversion to germs to begin with. Even though we are no longer in the thick of the pandemic, you may still feel yourself spiraling if you can’t find your hand sanitizer.

“To help kids feel safe but not develop a phobia, I think it’s helpful to create some rules to limit exposure to germs without being extreme,” Turner says.

Perhaps you insist on handwashing before meals or after playing outside, but you don’t make your kids sanitize their hands while running between the swings and the slide.

Somich recognizes that the pandemic made many people anxious. She says some of that anxiety is rational, considering health and safety risks, but that sometimes it can become inflated.

“There is a common narrative that shielding your children from potential harm is loving and protective,” Somich says. “While this is not untrue, there are certainly cases where it can be taken too far and can actually be detrimental to the child’s emotional development.”

If you see your child modeling your own fears, anxieties, and neuroses, Turner says it is never too early to seek professional help. This is especially true if the behavior is negatively impacting your child’s ability to function normally (Ask yourself, “Are they still able to focus? Maintain a social life?”) or causing significant distress. Your child’s pediatrician should be able to connect you with a mental health professional.

If this concept of anxiety inheritance has you tensing your shoulders and bouncing your leg, remember that it’s not a given.

“Just because a parent may struggle with some fears does not automatically mean the child will develop similar fears,” Turner says.

And just as it’s “never too early” to start, Hammerslough says the opposite is also true.

“This can be addressed at any point, even in families with teenagers,” Hammerslough says. “I don’t think it’s ever too late.”

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