K.Flay and Miya Folick: One Year Together and Counting

On June 2, the L.A.-based alt musicians Miya Folick and K.Flay (born Kristine Flaherty) made a public display of their love for the first time one year after they met. Each posted Instagram pictures from a selfie session Miya had captured of the two of them snuggling on a couch. That L-shaped sofa is in Kristine's Silverlake apartment, where we're sitting in early June. Miya and Kristine tenderly caress each other—a hand on a knee, a nose in an elbow crease. It's very sweet and immediately clear how in love they are. You don't leave their company feeling like you're going to die alone.

“Do you want to switch positions?” Kristine asks Miya, whose back aches. The latter had returned the previous night from a European tour in support of her 2018 debut LP, Premonitions. Kristine wasn't here to greet her. She got in this morning from a show in Las Vegas. She's gigging as preparation for the release of her third album, Solutions, out July. Ever the doting partner, Kristine left flowers on the kitchen table with a handwritten note for Miya. It's private, and it's also in plain sight.

Days like today, spent physically together, are precious. So is this conversation. It's important to them to have it, because their story is so many of our stories. So much of what Kristine shares rings true for those who may have arrived at their sexual fluidity late, and in singular circumstances.

Kristine, 33, is a rapper and singer-songwriter. This is her first relationship with a woman. Miya, 30, is an alternative pop star. Kristine is from Illinois and received two degrees from Stanford in psychology and sociology. Californian Miya went to NYU and initially landed in L.A. for acting. Music found them both, and led them to sign with Interscope. It was Liz Phair who birthed their love story.

GQ: So you met at a Liz Phair concert. Why were you there?

Miya: I was playing!

Kristine: I'm a fan. On the 15th anniversary of Exile in Guyville in 2008, Liz toured. I'd just graduated college, went to her show at the Filmore, San Francisco. It was a life-changing experience. So I got tickets [for the L.A. show last year]. Miya and I met in passing in the hallway.

Miya: People in the industry kept telling me about this K.Flay. We were introduced by the label at the show. I looked at Kristine and said: “Oh, you're K.Flay. Everyone's been talking about you!”

Kristine: Which was a strong opening. I knew about Miya.

Miya: I was thinking, Oh, she's kind of cute! The next day I get a text from Kristine, and I thought, "I wonder if she's interested in women…" As research I listened to [Kristine's second album] Every Where Is Some Where. I was super impressed. I also thought, She's straight. We went to get a beer at Jay's Bar as a professional thing.

Kristine: We had two beers. Miya was texting her friends like, There's no chemistry…

Miya: Literally. I asked a couple friends, "Remember that person Kristine we met? I'm meeting her for a beer. Do you think she's gay?" And everyone was like, "Miya, I have no idea." So I had to find out. And we were introduced to each other by the label—it was a professional thing. I wasn't going to try and flirt with her if it didn't seem like something was there.

Kristine: We're sitting chatting. It's coming to an end. I was tired, but I was like, "Do you wanna keep hanging out?" We parked our cars and walked to a second location.

Miya: Still no flirtation. Zero! Nothing. We were sitting next to each other, my friends who had come to join us started to leave, then Kristine put her arm around me. I said, "Are you flirting with me? It's totally fine if you are, I just need to know because I'm confused." And that was that.

How did Miya begin to influence your perspective on music?

Kristine: I met you when I was beginning to write this album, and I really wanted to impress you. [laughs] I was in Nashville at the studio. My creativity was reinvigorated by wanting you to love me.

Is that the first time that’d happened at the start of a record?

Kristine: One hundred percent. In the past I've been motivated by sadness. This record's upbeat, hopeful, happy.

Miya: A mutual thing that happened for us is that we got healthier, physically and mentally. Together with each other, we wanted to be good, balanced people. Kristine had just come off the road. I had just finished making Premonitions. We were both not in great places.

Kristine: Part of this creative world glorifies being unbalanced, unhinged, leading this wild lifestyle. There is value in that. It gives you empathy.

Miya: It's important to feel like you've stretched the boundaries. To say: "Screw it! I wanna know what the world's underbelly feels like." It's not a good place to stay.

Kristine: It makes sense that we met when we did. I was very broken down psychologically. I was probably the most open.

People talk about the dangers of getting involved with someone who needs saving. You sound as though you were both saving yourselves for each other.

Miya: Yeah. I'm used to a flexible way of life. I'm very flowy. Kristine is regimented. Kristine has tried to relax…

Kristine: I think I'm relaxing, personally! My mom had serious OCD. I did as a kid. I'm slowly trying to break free from that. It's hard at times. I know what I'm doing doesn't make any sense.

Miya: When we first met I didn't understand why she needed to know so much about my schedule. I'm used to nobody knowing where I am. Being accountable to somebody, realizing I may not need to share this information with her, but she needs to know it…

Kristine: In my family, the way we communicate love is by sharing mundane information. It's how I interact with friends. I'm getting better at letting more safe uncertainty into my life. You are the opener of that door.

What was behind this decision to come out publicly?

Miya: Kristine's family and friends knew about us long before mine did. I was scared to tell my parents. I've dated women in the past but never introduced any of them. Nor have I ever mentioned that I was interested in women. I told my mom about Kristine in October. We met in June. Kristine's parents knew about us the day after we met.

Our withholding the relationship for so long had more to do with protecting it, less with caring if anybody knew. It got to the point where I'm with Kristine constantly, and I want to take videos of her and put them on the Internet! We also didn't want weird pressure on the relationship early on. We didn't want each other to feel that we were using the relationship as a talking point. There was a period where we pretended not to be together when we were at label functions. It was hard for me.

Kristine: It's hard to have a relationship, period. It's hard to have a relationship when you're a touring musician. It's even harder when two people are artists. And it's harder when the Internet exists. I don't want this to get messed up.

Miya: I don't want other people deciding what we mean to each other. It's easy to say, "Oh, we don't care what people say on the Internet." But it's impossible not to be affected by it.

Kristine: One year felt like a significant marker. I've never dated a woman before. There's a complex, nuanced conversation to have around the politics of sexuality and gender expression. I didn't want that to convolute our relationship either. I didn't want to say something stupid or rash or not well thought out. That's a careless thing to do as a member of society.

Language is precious and valuable. I personally have struggled with what language to use. It's hard to know how to define your experience, particularly if it's new.

Miya: Yeah. That's a long conversation we've had: What does this mean about either of us, and does it matter? Part of the conversation about talking about the relationship revolved around not wanting to co-opt some sort of platform that doesn't necessarily belong to either of us. We didn't want to make it overly political, because there are parts of the gay experience that don't affect either of us. I've never been discriminated against. How do we be sensitive about what we're talking about? What we're talking about is: We're in love. There are parts of it that are valuable. Kristine met me when she was 32, and had never dated a woman. I met her when I was 28, and I had experimented casually, but this was the first time I met somebody I could see a future with.

Kristine: I've found it's been valuable to my family even, who are very open-minded. Saying: "Hey, I'm in love with a woman. This is a new experience, but I don't feel like my identity is shifting." Them being able to see an experience that isn't easily categorized. We are all fluid. It's valuable to have stories out there that don't have the dot on the I.

Miya: That's something that impressed me about Kristine. I'd spent so long in this internal dialogue: Am I gay? Am I straight? I'm attracted to men, but I think I'm also attracted to women, and what does that mean about me? And can I tell my parents? Kristine is like, "Well, I didn't want to stop seeing you, so I kept seeing you. Then I told my parents. I wanted to do it, so I did it."

Kristine: I didn't have that internal back-and-forth. I do think part of it was reaching a point in my life, too, of knowing what you want and what's a good thing when you see it.

Did it help you make sense of anything in your past, realizing you felt attracted to Miya?

Kristine: I graduated from college, moved to San Francisco with two of my best friends, both gay men. We got another roommate—a bisexual woman. So I was living with three queer people in San Francisco in 2008. All we did was go to gay bars, clubs, had a huge network of queer people we hung out with. Know what I'm saying?

Oh, I know. My work as a journalist always involved being hit up to write about queer artists. That was my assumed wheelhouse before I was even aware of my own fluidity.

Miya: Yeah! It wasn't like a repressed sort of desire for Kristine.

Kristine: I had no reckoning. I have a lot of fans who are not straight. I've always presented as a tomboy. I have a brother who's the same age. I had two fathers, both of whom influenced my personality. It's funny that I never dealt with that. When we met, I just decided to do it. Miya had anxiety about talking to family. We both have very loving, supportive, open-ass families.

Miya: I had this conversation recently with my mom. I have very liberal parents, but they have questions. My mom wanted to know if I am bisexual, or if I'm gay and had been repressed. She didn't care. She was worried that I had been holding back some part of myself because I was scared. Which is true. One of the things I told her is that even though I didn't tell family, I've been comfortable with my sexuality in Los Angeles. All of my friends know I'm fluid. It's never been something I've felt I had to hide.

In the days since the posting, what has the reaction been like?

Miya: Overwhelmingly positive.

Kristine: My mom read all the comments, and there wasn't a single negative one.

Miya: I didn't discuss any of this with my parents. The only thing is that my brother texted me and said, "Congratulations on being gay!"

What does family mean to you both in the context of your new single “Sister” [Ed. note: “Sister” is a synth-led bop about the evolving concept of family, in which “sister” doesn’t necessarily denote female genetic kin], Kristine?

Kristine: I have a blended family. My biological dad died, and had a much lesser role in my upbringing. Me, my brother and sister [from her mother's second marriage] had different experiences, but we were siblings. It always made me sad. I wanted to be connected to them for real. Over the years we've built that. Miya also has blended-family dynamics. [I was] being raised by my stepdad, who later adopted me.

Miya: He's an amazing dad.

Kristine: The day we cleared out my other dad's apartment, I was 14 and [my stepdad] Tom said: "I want to adopt you." We waited till I was 18. Tom chose me. In so many ways I resemble him in my personality more. I believe family is something you work at and you make. Family is an act, not a noun. We put a lot of emphasis on blood, and it's a myth on some level.

Miya: Kristine is one of the most active friends, making relationships strong every day like it's a practice. Making sure you call certain people, check in with somebody you know has something stressful going on. It's not something I did naturally. I do it more now. It makes life much better.

Kristine, tell me about the song "Nervous," which reads to me as clearly about Miya. [Lyric: “I was fine on my own every night I slept alone / The distance kept me safe / It’s easier to fake the feel than dance around with something real, promises might break…”]

Kristine: I wrote that song when I was in Nashville. I was writing it thinking it was vague enough. I put this line in it about the helicopters because we were on her balcony downtown [“We watched the helicopters from the top of your apartment”]. I knew the minute that I wrote it she'd know it's about her, but I didn't change it. Still, I was worried I'd freak her the fuck out. I am intense.

Miya: I knew it was about me the minute I heard the first chord. I don't know why. I was listening to it alone in my apartment at 2 a.m., holding my laptop, walking around my apartment like, "Oh, my God. I think this song is about me." Nobody had ever written a song about me before.

I write songs about other people all the time. It feels insane. It's also an amazing song. It encapsulates the beginning of the relationship. Being anywhere and imagining she's there with me. I can't tell you how many times I've been somewhere on the road with the band at a show or at the bar afterwards, and I go outside to talk to you. That's a nice feeling.

How early into the relationship did you write it?

Miya: Pretty early!

Kristine: It was maybe two and a half weeks!

Miya: No, not even kidding. We went out the first time on June 2.

Kristine: [pulling up her phone for the date the song was written] July 3. Welcome to this reality. Now you know.

Your label knew about your relationship and were supportive. Were you ever nervous your queerness would be used as a method of selling your record?

Kristine: Yes.

Miya: We had a conversation about avoiding that. Nobody at the label has ever even suggested that we come out as a couple.

Kristine: This began because of a conversation with my PR. There's this bigger story about love and sexuality, and there's inherent value in that. It's been a huge part of this record. This year, every show I've played I've been sober. I'm loving it. I'm refocused on what I'm doing.

Miya: Sobriety as a state of mind.

Do you both not drink?

Miya: We don't drink onstage. We came up with these pillars of live performance: gratitude, intention, sobriety onstage.

Kristine: And service. You're giving people a place to be safe, have fun, get away from the bullshit, maybe go on a date. Even last night in Vegas, in this den of bad behavior, I was laser-focused on the show, being engaged with moments of discomfort, too. I wouldn't be there without you.

How are you going to celebrate your anniversary?

Miya: It's my birthday tomorrow, so we're going out tonight.

Your 30th? How do you feel?

Miya: I feel very comfortable. I feel 30. There's a patience to me I didn't experience earlier in my 20s. I know what I want. I'm more proud of the way I act. Less often do I say and do things that later on I wish I hadn't. It's taken me a while to realize that I should just make what I want to make. Also, this is the first time I've been in an adult relationship. Sorry to all my exes who read this.

Kristine: Zing!

Miya: We both have more clarity about what we bring to the table and what we want from each other. I am willing and ready to learn. There's some strange discomfort with the idea of changing for somebody else. People don't like to talk about that, but you have to.

I think of it more as you both rooted deeper into yourselves to find the truth.

Miya: Exactly. And I know I can give it.

Kristine: Think about all the ways in which you adapt and access different parts of yourself to be a productive member of a family. When you have a mate, a partner, a friend, a whoever, you have to do that.

Miya: If I had never met Kristine and I was turning 30 tomorrow, I don't know how I'd feel about it. I've tried not to care about my age as an artist, but I have cared, because I came to music late. I didn't get my first record deal when I was 18. I started playing music seriously when I was 26, which is ancient. Kristine doesn't care how old she is. We have time.

Originally Appeared on GQ