Is It Just Us or Does Third Grade Feel Extra Tough on Kids and Their Parents?

One mom goes to the experts after noticing how rough third grade has been both emotionally and socially for her daughter.

Fact checked by Sarah Scott

The year was 1986. I was in the third grade and in no particular order, the following major life events occurred: my sister was born (effectively making me the oldest of three) and my parents announced they were selling the only home I ever knew and moving across town.

This meant starting a new school and effectively being the “new kid” in the 4th grade. I struggled to express what I was feeling—so I kept it in. But it was like an overstuffed suitcase as each new worry took up space I didn’t have, eventually overflowing into tears or fits of anger. I had a full-blown tantrum when I was told we were moving. I cried so hard you would've thought we were moving to an underground cave.

As an adult, I know when it’s time to be alone or carve out self-care. But, in the third grade, I found change to be one of many things that exhausted me emotionally. I didn’t have the tools to understand that social anxiety was likely to blame. My brain would go into overdrive, wondering if people liked me, if I said the wrong thing, if my outfits were “cool,” or if my mere presence was wanted. I’d cry, get upset, pout—with zero self-awareness.

So, when my own daughter, Mila, began third grade, I was hopeful she’d get through it with less drama and angst. I've always believed she appeared more confident and independent than me at her age. She can be stubborn and self-centered but she has a great group of friends and loves going to school.

I chalked up my traumatic memories of third grade to so many big life changes. Heck, when I was in third grade, the Challenger space shuttle exploded and not a sound was made as my class watched in horror. My teacher wheeled the TV out of the room and began our math lesson as if all was fine.

My daughter is part of generation alpha where social-emotional learning is part of the curriculum and talking about feelings is normal instead of deeply uncomfortable. My daughter will proudly share that she sees a therapist where I didn’t even want people to see me cry.

But my daughter also lived through a global pandemic and as a result, didn’t finish preschool and started kindergarten in a weird half-day/half-remote setup.  So, yes, she and I are from different generations and experienced different types of trauma—but I quickly learned that the tough social and emotional transitions are still prevalent in the third grade.

Big Feelings in Third Grade

It turns out my daughter is a creature of habit. So at the start of third grade, making new friends or inserting herself into new groups was bumpy. Especially because many of her besties were easily making new connections (or so it appeared)—which my daughter interpreted as being “left out.”

One morning I casually mentioned that a few girls had yet to RSVP for her upcoming birthday party. “Haven’t you been talking to your friends about the party?” I innocently asked. “Make sure their moms received the Evite.”

I was shocked when my daughter responded by crying and hugging me. “Maybe I should cancel my party,” she wailed. “If all those girls come, they might ignore me and leave me out!” I hugged her as tight as I could, assuring her that no one would leave out the birthday girl at their own party!

But my heart broke into a million confused pieces. I wondered how long Mila held this in and what I might have missed. I emailed Mila’s teacher to find out what was happening in the classroom. I expected tales of Mila sitting alone at recess or lunch, or not picking up on social cues while trying to insert herself in groups that clearly didn’t want her. “I have not noticed anything unusual,” her teacher replied. “In fact, I think Mila has adjusted to third grade quite well.”

Needless to say, Mila was the star of her birthday party.

But we weren’t in the clear.

In fact, it’s been a rollercoaster. One day she’s excited to tell me every intricate detail about what’s going on with her friends and classmates—the next, she’s moody, sullen, quiet, and thinks my questions are “weird” or “annoying.”

Despite her teacher’s claims that she adjusted well to third grade, I’ve still been informed of episodes where Mila’s been inflexible, oversized in her reactions, or erupted into big emotions over seemingly small incidents/spats (mainly when things are “unfair” or a classmate has pushed her buttons).

We’ve had blowouts because she doesn't want to go the extra mile on school projects, afraid of standing out and not doing what the other kids are planning. I’ll see hints of empathy, generosity, and compassion followed by a complete lack of self-awareness, selfishness, and stubbornness.

One day the boy who sits next to her is so hilarious, she can’t stop sharing every “funny” way he disrupts the class—and the next she wants nothing to do with him. Another day she will blow me away with her sensitivity and humanity as she cries her eyes out because she feels bad for a homeless person or wants to donate toys to kids in the hospital. Then I take it all back as she bosses her friends around for no reason or tells them they can’t sit in a certain seat in our dining room or eat the last of a snack just to exert control.

In talking to my fellow third-grade mom friends, their frustration and bewilderment match mine. We’re all on the same rollercoaster—just at different pain points. Some of us are hitting an unexpected drop, screaming our heads off while others are coasting before a giant double loop throws everything off.

All the kids are experiencing the same emotional highs and lows, just at different times and over different triggers. While it’s comforting to know we’re not alone, we are curious why third grade is so universally and historically rough. I went to the experts and it turns out there's an honest-to-goodness explanation—and there are even things parents can do to help their kids (and themselves) get through it!

Parents Aren’t Crazy—Third Grade is Complex

Third grade is a critical developmental period where children transition from ‘young childhood’ to ‘pre-tweenhood,’ explains Jolie Silva, PhD, a clinical psychologist and the chief operating officer of New York Behavioral Health.

“They’re more solidly forming their ‘friend groups’ and social hierarchies, all while still having a very underdeveloped prefrontal lobe, the part of the brain that is responsible for inhibition, emotion regulation, and impulse control,” Dr. Silva explains. “They are often conflicted because they desperately want to be big kids, but also desire to hang on to their young childhood stage.”

To ease this pull between the two worlds, Dr. Silva says to make unstructured free play an important part of their routine. “It gives kids the freedom to work through their social and emotional issues, problem solve, and explore creativity in their own way.”

A Shift Between Ages 8 to 9

I’m the room mom for Mila’s third grade class so I’ve spent significant time with her peers during class parties and celebrations. One thing I’ve observed is the vast differences in maturity levels. Some kids are polite and respectful while others are mean and disruptive.

Tracee Perryman, PhD,, the founder and CEO at Center of Hope Family Services, is not surprised to see this range in a third-grade classroom. She says several shifts happen between age 8 and age 9.

“When children are exposed to other children with different levels of maturity and varied life experiences, they are exposed to a number of influences that can impact their mental, emotional, and academic well-being," explains Dr. Perryman. "When we combine those factors with exposure to media and social media, the types of emotions and behaviors we may see are multiplied, and sometimes magnified.”

Dr. Perryman recommends parents monitor the influences in their child(ren)'s life carefully during this period.

“It is important for parents to help children understand what is appropriate, normal, and healthy for their age. It is also important to continue to affirm your child's strengths, and redirect them to operate in their strengths, rather than magnifying the areas in which they need to grow,” he says. “I also recommend structure and boundaries, along with attentiveness. That combination instills safety in our children. When we are attentive, we build rapport, so that they trust us to help them grow in the necessary areas.”

How Parents—And Kids—Can Cope With Third Grade

Third grade is “absolutely a milestone grade," says Ray Christner, PsyD, NCSP, ABPP. He commonly hears both children and their parents discuss the difficulties they face. Dr. Christner recommends parents adhere to the following to support their third graders and guide them through their ever-changing emotions. And best of all, these tools will serve both you and your kids well past third grade too.

Keep Open Communication: Make sure your child feels comfortable sharing their feelings and experiences. Use open-ended questions to encourage them to express themselves without judgment.

Use Positive Reinforcement: Try to acknowledge and praise efforts, not just achievements. This can build a growth mindset in your kids, which is essential for navigating academic and social challenges.

Set Clear Expectations and Boundaries: Children this age do well with routine and knowing the limits. When things start feeling “jarring,” there is comfort and security with clear boundaries and consistent consequences.

Balance Independence and Staying Involved: Let your kids, at this age, start making some age-appropriate decisions. But, parents must remain present and interested in their children’s school life and friendships. We begin providing them the opportunity to solve some of their own problems with us guiding them to find their own solutions.

Encourage Empathy: This is a great time to teach kids to consider others’ feelings and perspectives. Talk through things they might hear or struggles that they experience with others. This can be powerful as they get older.

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