Just Like Kate Middleton, I, Too Had To Have a Very Tough Conversation With My Kid About Cancer

One mom shares how she and her son are navigating her cancer diagnosis in response to the news of Catherine, Princess of Wales. Plus, experts weigh in.

Fact checked by Sarah Scott

The moments after a cancer diagnosis are filled with a whirlwind of emotions: fear, despair, and anxiety, to name a few. But beyond the immediate worries about your own destiny, the most pressing concern for parents with young children quickly becomes their future.

What will happen to them if I don't beat this? And even if I beat it this time, will it come back? How will their childhood be impacted as I go through debilitating treatments? And what's the best way to talk to them about what's going on, without scaring them?

Even while coping with a cancer diagnosis, parents still worry deeply about maintaining some sense of normalcy for their children.

I know because I’ve been there. So when Catherine, Princess of Wales, announced her cancer diagnosis in late March 2024, it brought a shiver down my spine as I saw her express similar concerns. In an Instagram video, she stated she and husband, William, Prince of Wales, have been trying to manage the news privately for their three children–George, 10, Charlotte, 8, and Louis, 5.

“As you can imagine, this has taken time. It has taken me time to recover from major surgery in order to start my treatment,” she said, referencing the abdominal surgery she underwent before beginning preventative chemotherapy. “But, most importantly, it has taken us time to explain everything to George, Charlotte, and Louis in a way that's appropriate for them and to reassure them that I'm going to be OK.”

Her cancer diagnosis brought her life story—one of a princess who did not seem burdened by the same everyday worries many of the rest of us have—crashing back to Earth in a way I would never have hoped. Not for her, or her young children.

Navigating My Cancer Diagnosis as a Parent

In August 2023, after receiving my second cancer diagnosis of the past decade, I found myself awash in all of those questions and emotions once again. As a single mother to a now 11-year-old son, fighting cancer terrifies me because my greatest wish is to be here to raise Aidan and witness the beauty of his life journey.

The first time I was diagnosed with cancer, Aidan was just 2 years old. It was a blessing that he didn't understand why Mommy suddenly lost all of her hair or spent many days and nights sick on the bathroom floor. He was also too young to notice when I was away in the hospital for long periods of time. But now, as a pre-teen, he understands everything.

That reality adds another deeply complex and emotional dimension to the journey cancer patients must travel. Watching a parent fight to survive such an insidious disease is an enormous weight for a child to carry on their shoulders—not to mention in their hearts and minds.

Not long after I explained to my son that my cancer had come back, and that I would need surgery and radiation again, I began to witness this reality in a myriad of heartbreaking ways.

Sometimes, my son would put his head on the pillow at night and cry. He would ask me quietly in the darkness, "What happens if something happens to you Mom? Who will take care of me?"

Before long, he began experiencing trouble sleeping because of the "bad thoughts" he was having. When asked, Aidan didn't want to share the details of those thoughts with me because he worried that doing so would upset or scare me. But I knew what those thoughts were.

And during his waking hours, he developed separation anxiety. If I was away at an appointment or running an errand that took longer than expected, he would sometimes greet me as I walked in the front door with a mixture of panic and weepiness, worried over where I'd been and whether I was OK.

Eventually, I found a mental health counselor for Aidan. It was someone he could talk to about all of his worries and fears and help him navigate and process the big emotions weighing on his soul. That is important, experts say.

"Parents should not hesitate to seek support from friends, family members, or mental health professionals if they're struggling to support their children through their health crisis," says Pria Alpern, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in trauma and loss, and founder of the New York-based Center Psychology Group.

Having open communication with your children is something else experts recommend.

"Sometimes, my son would put his head on the pillow at night and cry. He would ask me quietly in the darkness, "What happens if something happens to you Mom? Who will take care of me?" 
"

How Do You Explain a Cancer Diagnosis to a Child?

Sharing news of a cancer diagnosis is a difficult moment for any parent. Wisconsin resident Elizabeth Soar, a 58-year-old cancer survivor, describes it as "the single hardest thing I've ever had to do."

Soar's two daughters were 4 and 7 years old when she was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma. Luckily, they live near family, and Soar asked her sister and niece to be present when she broke the news.

"My daughters are very close to my sister and niece, so the three of us sat my girls down and talked to them," explains Soar. "This approach helped assure the girls that they would never be alone, even when Mommy wasn't there."

Speaking with children about what's going on is a critical first step after a parent has been diagnosed with cancer. But what are other good ways to do that?

Be age-appropriate and honest

Experts suggest speaking to children with age-appropriate transparency.

This may involve providing repeated explanations from caregivers and offering ample opportunities to ask questions as children make sense of the situation, explains Dr. Alpern. It’s also important for parents to exercise patience with children as they absorb such news, and provide ongoing support and reassurance during conversations.

For younger children, ages 3-7, parents should avoid going into extensive, unnecessary detail. At the same time however, it is critical that adults provide enough information to ensure that the children are not worried a parent is withholding facts, which can greatly increase anxiety, says Leslie Rosenberg, a senior behavioral health counselor at Northwell Health.

"This can be a very delicate balance and depends somewhat on knowing your child’s own needs and limits," says Rosenberg.

Teens are more likely to understand the seriousness of cancer and may associate it with the worst examples they have heard, making it important for parents to highlight that many types of cancer are completely treatable and patients often make a full recovery.

Most important in this age group is being honest and direct, as harm can be done in trying to protect kids by sparing them the truth, says Rosenberg.

Wisconsin mom Soar agrees that honesty and transparency are essential as families navigate cancer journeys with young children. "Kids understand so much more than we give them credit for and what they fear most is the unknown," she says. “Give them information in ways they can process, research together when you can't, or tell them you'll find out for them and do it."

Soar made two promises to her daughters that first day she told them the news: They would never be kept in the dark about what was going on. And that they would never be the last to know anything.

Remember, if your child is able to access and search on the internet, they might be able to encounter information by themselves.

“They might be tempted to search for information on their own, especially when sensing that they may not be being given the full story from their grown-ups," continues Rosenberg. "If there are blanks, children tend to fill them in with the worst case scenario, so we always want to avoid major holes in the explanation."

"Kids understand so much more than we give them credit for and what they fear most is the unknown. Give them information in ways they can process, research together when you can't, or tell them you'll find out for them and do it."

Elizabeth Soar, mom and cancer survivor

It’s OK to use the word cancer

Jillian Amodio, a licensed social worker at Waypoint Wellness Center in Maryland who specializes in providing support for families that are navigating challenges, says that during these talks (and subsequent ongoing communications), parents should not avoid using the word cancer, even though it may be a scary word.

"This avoids confusion and ensures the child that, even when the truth is hard, they will always be kept informed,” says Amodio.

While cancer is a big, frightening word, the fear of the unknown or feeling like something is being hidden is far scarier and more confusing for children, adds Amodio.

There is no age where using the word cancer would be inappropriate, according to Amodio. Children are perceptive and they thrive on feeling like they're included and valued. And knowing that they can trust their adults to tell them what's going on in their lives can help them feel secure.

Using vague terms like “Mommy is sick,” on the other hand, might seem more kid-appropriate, but the problem is that “sick” can mean so many things.

"Sick can be an ear infection, a common cold, strep throat," explains Amodio. "This can breed more confusion, especially because if a parent is very sick, such as in the case of cancer, and it becomes evident to the child that the illness is severe, vague terminology can turn into children being scared of small illnesses turning into big deals, as well."

Prepare them about treatment side effects

Another part of that open communication can include speaking with children about what side effects can occur from cancer treatment.

"It's good to prepare them for the possible side effects of chemotherapy that they may witness," explains Rosenberg. "Explain that 'Mom might not have a lot of energy, she might throw up, she might lose her hair—and that's all expected and part of the medicine that's helping her get better.'"

Focus on optimism

Rosenberg also suggests that parents lean into the optimism of the situation. In her video, Catherine, Princess of Wales, said she was taking this approach with her children. “As I’ve said to them, I am well and getting stronger every day by focusing on the things that will help me heal in my mind, body, and spirit,” she shared.

Equally important, says Rosenberg, is "noting that it's OK to feel sad or scared and that doesn't mean something terrible is going to happen.”

What Comes Next

As an adult, I was able, to some degree, to compartmentalize my recent health crisis in order to push forward as I needed to. I had a treatment plan in place that I could focus on, and would bury myself in work during the day so as not to think big thoughts.

But young children aren't necessarily equipped with a toolbox of coping mechanisms.

"A parent's serious health diagnosis like cancer can cause a tremendous amount of stress in young children," says Dr. Alpern.

Research shows children can experience anxiety, confusion, rumination, worry, and intrusive thoughts after learning a parent is diagnosed with cancer. But the research also finds children want to be informed and supported by their parents.

In the days and weeks after that initial talk with your children, maintaining routines can be critical to help promote a sense of normalcy and stability in the household. "Keep regular routines for meals, bedtime, and activities as much as possible," says Dr. Alpern.

Kids do best amid the steady and the predictable. So maintaining these, as much as is possible, will go a long way to calming fears.

It's also important to remember that emotions can pop up at any time, even long after that initial discussion about a parent's diagnosis.

"It absolutely takes time for children to understand the news and [emotions] will come in waves," says Amodio. "There will be days when they seem to be handling the news well and days where they will need extra support and reassurance."

It can also be helpful to notify a child’s school or teachers about what’s going on, if you feel comfortable. This allows staff to understand why a child may be withdrawn or acting out of character. The school may also have counselors to help your child navigate their feelings too.

"There will be days when they seem to be handling the news well and days where they will need extra support and reassurance."

Jillian Amodio, licensed social worker

Life After a Parent's Cancer Diagnosis

There is life before cancer and life after cancer. And they are very different. Life after a cancer diagnosis can feel more fragile and less carefree. For some, it's also more purpose driven and filled with a clear focus on what really matters.

For cancer survivor Allie Bertocchini and her children, that is very much the case. At 41, Bertocchini was diagnosed with breast cancer. Her three sons were 7, 1, and 13, at the time. Each of her children initially handled the news differently: Her oldest was mostly quiet, while her little one talked to everyone who would listen about what his mom was dealing with, including the check-out lady at the local Trader Joe's, Bertocchini says with a laugh.

Bertocchini's battle with cancer began in 2019, and she has since completed treatment. But the experience has forever changed both her and her family. Raw emotions or memories still rear their head now and then. "As traumatic as it was for me, it was a trauma for them as well," says Bertocchini. "Sometimes, my son Will, who was 7 at the time and is 12 now, will kind of remember things and ask me about them."

"This became part of my family's story and we have gotten further down the road, my kids have all evolved in different ways," she continues. "But it's a part of who they are. There was life before Mom had cancer and life after Mom had cancer.”

Life after Mom's cancer, for Bertocchini's family, means spending more time together, prioritizing family, and valuing that time more deeply, while being filled with gratitude.

The same is very much true in my household. Every day I wake up and put my feet on the floor and express gratitude for another day on this planet with my son. I say it out loud. And when I wake Aidan, I say it so he can hear it as well: I am grateful for another day with you.

I began doing this at the advice of a counselor who told me that fear and gratitude cannot coexist in your mind. So, a daily gratitude practice has become another way my family works to navigate our new normal. I do it for myself. And to hopefully pass these skills on to my son, so he can use them long after I'm gone—whenever that happens to be. 

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