If This Last Week Taught Us Anything, It's That Literally No One Is Cooler Than A 79-Year-Old White President

This is Joe Biden. You probably recognize him as the model in every stock photo labeled "old man eating ice cream cone."

He's also the president of the United States, and his cool factor has diminished tremendously in recent years.

Biden had a choice: remain a deeply uncool Democratic president going into the midterms, or say "fuck it" and let Cool Biden out of his cage.

So the question remains: Is Joe Biden cool now? Let's examine the evidence in four parts.

1.On August 24, the Biden Administration bolted upright in bed like it JUST remembered 2022 is a midterm year and announced its plan to forgive $10,000 of federal student loan debt for qualified borrowers. This is just the latest of Biden's policy actions coined "Dark Brandon" by the left.

Meme culture is so meta now that only the most Extremely Online™️ among us can keep up. So for those of you smart enough to log off, here's a very necessary recap of the long and harrowing history of Dark Brandon.

In 2021, a reporter interviewing NASCAR driver Brandon Brown thought that a crowd chanting "fuck Joe Biden" was chanting, "Let's go, Brandon!" The latter phrase became a bit of a rallying cry/instantly overused inside joke among the MAGA crowd.

After losing his North Carolina primary race in 2022, far-right quasi-insurrectionist Rep. Madison Cawthorn tweeted, "It's time for the rise of the new right, it's time for Dark MAGA to truly take command." Thus, "Dark MAGA" became one more rallying cry for the right.

Later in 2022, the far-left corner of the internet coined the ironic phrase "Dark Brandon" to describe the moments when Biden — normally a moderate — surprised them with uncharacteristically progressive actions.

In August 2022, Biden started ramping up his give-no-fucks behavior and released some more progressive legislation, like the student loan forgiveness plan. Around this time, more people (especially liberals) started participating in Dark Brandon unironically.

Dark Brandon cool score: 5.5/10

2.Republicans FREAKED OUT over Biden's student loan forgiveness plan. In the past, the social media strategists running the official @WhiteHouse Twitter account may have taken the high road or remained passive while under attack. But something strange happened this time: The White House fought back.

The account pointed out that many of the loan forgiveness plan's loudest critics received large government PPP loans during the pandemic, which were later forgiven.

Because Republicans' critiques were hypocritical, the White House Twitter account started a round of Twitter's favorite game: "This You?"*

Even vocal members of Leftist Twitter thought the White House thread was cool.

This move was pretty objectively cool for one main reason: The @WhiteHouse This You? thread was written by Gen Z social media genius Megan Coyne. Megan is the mind behind the @NJGov Twitter account, which grew a following in 2021 for its distinctly New Jersey-esque attitude.

Gen Z grew up on the internet, and as much as it pains my cold millennial heart to say this, Gen Z is by far the coolest generation — especially online.

Zoomer Running @WhiteHouse cool score: 9/10

3.Biden received new batteries last week and thought, Hmm, I haven't called out some malarkey in a while...but there's no time like the present!

From his energetic Maryland rally appearance where he called MAGA "semi-fascism" to his comments on Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, the dude clearly tried Fuck Shit Up juice and loved the taste.

Of course, Dark Brandon Twitter went nuts over his behavior, but it really just feels like he spent the first 20 months of his presidency slowly powering on.

Caffeinated Biden cool score: 6/10

4.The latest exhibit in the Republican Museum of Unintentionally Making Joe Biden Look Rad as Hell comes from the trailer of My Son Hunter, a so-bad-it's-good movie about Hunter Biden's many scandals (and "scandals").

The movie portrays Joe Biden as a mustache-twirling, cat-in-lap-petting, Dr. Evil-pinky-brandishing, villainous mastermind with a voice so low that it BARELY registers with the human ear.

The image of Biden in My Son Hunter completely goes against the right's attempt to characterize him as a stumbling, bumbling man on death's door, completely incapable of running a country. In short, movie Joe Biden is kind of a badass.

My Son Hunter cool score: 9.5/10

Final verdict: Is Joe Biden cool now? Sort of!

But if he tried just a liiiiittle bit harder, Biden could be so much cooler.

And even if he was the coolest dude on earth today, life is ultimately just like that Robert Frost quote: Nothing cool can stay.

But today, right now, in August 2022, Joe Biden is 75% cool. That's a solid "kind of cool for a generally uncool dude" score! Hell yeah, Brandon!!!!!

Do you think Joe Biden is currently (or has ever been) cool? Let me know in the comments! 👇