Jimmy Kimmel Is Pretty Sure He Knows How the Mueller Investigation Will End

Seth Meyers really wishes the Robert Mueller investigation would hurry up already. After news broke Thursday that the FBI special counsel had subpoenaed the Trump organization for documents—marking the first time Mueller has subpoenaed any of Trump’s businesses—Meyers noted on Late Night that watching the investigation unfold incrementally has been excruciating. “I know you have to be thorough,” Meyers said during his monologue. “But at this rate, by the time you’re done, our only ally will be Luxembourg, Eric [Trump] will be Secretary of State, and it’ll be illegal for me to make jokes about any of it. When somebody is drowning, you throw them a life preserver; you don’t throw them a nine-part DVD series on the history of swimming!”

Plus, there’s another hang-up Meyers suspects will cause trouble for Mueller and his team: “You think Trump’s businesses keep records? The Trump University textbooks were just Wikipedia pages printed out and stapled together!”

During his “Closer Look” segment, Meyers noted that as Mueller’s investigation unfolds, turnover at the White House continues to be high, as Trump continues to surround himself with loyalists. He also hatched another apt simile for watching the F.B.I. investigation: “This investigation is so slow, it’s like watching a porno in real time. ‘Alright, I ordered the pizza. Now, we wait.’ I think I speak for everyone when I say, ‘Just get to the good stuff and slap that baby on Trump’s ankle already.”

Meanwhile, Jimmy Kimmel couldn’t help but bring everything back to his onetime guestStormy Daniels, who recently sued Trump, claiming their non-disclosure agreement is invalid since he never signed it. “You know, in an investigation like this, it’s important to follow the money—no matter how many porn stars it leads to,” Kimmel quipped Thursday night. (Daniels, you might recall, appeared on Kimmel in January, when a statement in which she purportedly denied the affair spread across the internet; she appeared to deny that the denial came directly from her.)

“Donald Trump, surprisingly, hasn’t tweeted about the subpoena yet,” Kimmel added in his monologue Thursday. “Probably because he doesn’t know how to spell the word ‘subpoena.’” (Of course, the president’s Twitter account has never been known for consistently correct spelling.)

“There are rumors he may try to fire Robert Mueller, the guy who’s investigating him,” Kimmel continued. “That would have to be it, right? At that point, we’d have to wait until he goes to Mar-a-Lago and lock him in it forever, right?”

But as the investigation continues, Kimmel is pretty sure he knows how it’s going to end—and what he’s imagining sounds like a classic spy movie: “Why do I feel like this ends with Melania in a trenchcoat handing Robert Mueller a package of files in an underground parking lot somewhere?”

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