'Jesus is taking me home in a cocktail dress, not my Danskin shorts': Hilarious anti-exercise rant goes viral

Photo: Facebook/Heather Land
Photo: Facebook/Heather Land

One mom is bringing a breath of fresh air to social media with her hilarious rants about totally relatable everyday situations. Her name is Heather Land, and her latest video about not wanting to exercise is going viral.

In her post titled “I AIN’T DOIN IT — CROSSFIT CHECK-IN,” Land rails against devotees of the intense fitness regimen for humble bragging on social media (because, if you didn’t post your #WOD (workout of the day) online did it even really happen?). Inspired by her friends who share their early morning AMRAPs (“as many reps as possible”) — Land jokingly decried, “You’re better than me, is that what you wanna hear?”

She continued, “I know I could be there but I didn’t have death penciled in on my schedule today so think I’m gonna pass. Pretty sure Wall Balls and Bear Crawls ain’t how I’m going out. Jesus is taking me home in a cocktail dress, OK? Not my Danskin shorts.”

However, Land didn’t knock it before she tried it. In fact, she drew from personal experience with the “sport.” She used to do CrossFit when she was trying to lose the baby weight from her second child.

“I cried every day face-first in the mat and wanted to quit life on numerous occasions — usually mid-way through a box jump,” she tells Yahoo Lifestyle. “I just tapped into that side and those ever-so-present dark memories and gave it a go.”

Her creativity and off-beat humor has certainly resonated. Her video has been shared around 100,000 times, received upwards of 20,000 comments, and racked up more than 6 million views.

On where she gets her ideas from, Land explains that “they are a direct reflection of everyday banter between me and my friends. We started making videos to send to each other in regular conversation, and they started pushing me to post them.”

The mother of two enjoys making people laugh and feels grateful she can brighten up someone’s day with a little humor. “I love hearing people say, ‘You’re saying what I’m thinking but can’t put into words.’ I’m glad to be able to do that for people.”

Here are some other videos that have brought joy to many.

The 41-year-old says her inbox is full of emails from people thanking her for bringing laughter back into their lives.

She says, “To get message after message saying, ‘I have one year left to live and I haven’t laughed in months. Thank you,’ or ‘My daughter was just diagnosed with cancer and your videos are the bright spot in my day’ — this is everything. … I will make an idiot out of myself all day every day if that’s the reward.”

Besides being a new social media sensation, Land has been a worship singer-songwriter for about 20 years. She has lived in Texas, Colorado, and is currently back home in her native Tennessee. She shares more about her personal life on her blog, but for those who want to laugh out loud can catch her on her new website, iaintdoinit.com, which officially launches this Friday.

So what is next for Land? “I’m really hoping to be able to travel and do some events,” she says. “We all have a story to tell and I would love to be able to tell that story with encouraging words and some good ole Southern sarcasm.”

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