The Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux Breakup Rumors Are Just Getting Absurd
There is some grade-A nonsense going on with Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux right now, and we need to talk about it. The couple announced seven days ago they're divorcing after two years of marriage, and pop culture is treating it like the apocalypse. Seriously, everyone's having a conniption because very rich and talented Jennifer Aniston decided she doesn't want to live with the guy from The Lego Ninjago Movie anymore, and it's ridiculous. Now, the narrative is that she's "sad" and "alone," which is problematic for reasons I talked about last week.
But it's more than just problematic: The stories surrounding their breakup are getting so out of hand it's laughable. Aniston and Theroux even released a joint statement essentially saying to ignore the tabloids, but people are still buying into rumors.
And these aren't just your standard infidelity lies, either. They're strange, oddly specific tales from "sources" that would only make sense if Theroux and Aniston were real-life soap opera stars. Below, the 11 wildest rumors about their uncoupling we found on the Internet. Check them out—and roll your eyes at your own risk.
11. They slept in separate bedrooms.
Sure, this is believable—my parents sleep in separate bedrooms, and they've been happily married for 20-plus years—but this doesn't mean anything if it's true. Maybe Aniston is a cool-firm-mattress gal, and Theroux likes his soft and warm. Maybe he snores, or wears weird cologne before going to bed. All sleeping separately means is you don't want some scrub hogging your side of the bed.
10. Aniston's already moved all of Theroux's stuff out.
Again, this is possible, but did someone, like, take an inventory of every sock, toothbrush, and Leftovers DVD box set Theroux left at Aniston's house and noticed they're all gone? Who's feeding The Sun this information? If it's not someone who literally works inside Aniston's home, then this is just bollocks. In two weeks Theroux will probably have to go back to her pad because he realized he forgot his worn-out copy of Zoolander 2.
9. Their fame is what broke them up.
E! posits that Theroux was just too blinded by the flashing lights to stay married to Aniston, but I'm calling B.S. on that. Chances are Theroux's heard of Us Weekly and the TV show Friends and has dined at The Ivy at least once. It shouldn't be some shock-emoji surprise Aniston is a media fixture; she's been one for almost 20 years. The only way this is true is if Theroux spent the early aughts barricaded in a bunker underground listening to Tracy Chapman and painting Bob Ross landscapes—and even then the phrase "Brangelina" would've still found a way into his brain.
8. Their friends all thought the marriage wouldn't last.
Sources close to the couple apparently told E! Online that Theroux's friends weren't on board with his relationship with Aniston, but that makes no sense. Theroux's friends aren't a group of doofy high school boys from a National Lampoon movie making wages about how long Theroux's marriage was going to last. They're adults. They pay taxes! And have robust 401(k) plans! Theroux's friends either (a) let him make his own decisions or (b) were thrilled about his relationship with Jennifer Aniston because she's Jennifer. Effing. Aniston.
“He’s really bored by her whole Hollywood crowd, and she’s not into his edgy, arty scene," a source told Page Six, which makes Theroux sound like a kid hyped up on sugar who can't sit still at the doctor's office. If you're just "bored," then you put on Netflix. You don't get a divorce. Also, let's chew on "edgy, arty scene" for a sec. I will eat my own arm if Theroux is making clay pots shaped like avocado toast at some warehouse in Brooklyn every weekend. Color me skeptical.
6. Aniston was pissed about Theroux's partying and desire to hang out with cool art people.
This report alleges Aniston just couldn't hang with Theroux's cool, artsy crowd in New York City, which apparently includes Selena Gomez's "Fetish" and "Bad Liar" collaborator Petra Collins. LOL, OK. I have a hard time believing Justin Theroux, who played a villain with a bad Irish accent in Charlie's Angels 2: Full Throttle, is some downtown, dumpster-diving, Alamo Drafthouse–attending hipster who loves black coffee and hates Aveeno body wash. Also, Aniston isn't some fragile duchess locked in her Smart Water–sponsored castle, either. The skater boy—or should I say sk8er boi—can hang with the ballerina, and Avril Lavigne won't write an angsty song about it. This isn't eleventh grade.
Because there's always another woman. The Enquirer suggests Theroux's ex Heidi Bivens is to blame for the demise of his relationship with Aniston, and because, what, did she send Theroux a happy birthday text and a holiday ficus? Exes keep in contact, people. It's not unheard-of. This is honestly so ludicrous and insulting.
4. Theroux and Aniston were never legally married.
TMZ rattles off some legal mumbo-jumbo here about Aniston and Theroux's mysterious marriage license, but this is such a stretch. There was a wedding in 2015. With photographs! Aniston and Theroux didn't just call all their adult friends and say, "We're going to have a play wedding. Please come." This isn't a 15-year-old's murder mystery birthday party, and Justin Theroux isn't Count Olaf.
3. Aniston was upset Theroux once hugged Naomi Watts.
Yup. That's right: a hug. A hug. The Daily Mail seems to think Aniston was so fired up about Watts and Theroux embracing for five seconds that it put their marriage on a downward spiral. I haven't heard a story this insane since my friend in high school determined her crush didn't like her because he hugged me a millisecond longer than her. Spoiler alert: Both me and that guy are gay.
2. Aniston reportedly wanted a baby early in her relationship with Theroux.
For the love of surrogacy, people need to stop thinking Aniston is Princess Fiona in Shrek, trapped in a tower, waiting for a guy to rescue her and start a family. This is 2018. If Aniston wanted a baby, she could have one. There are so many options at Aniston's disposal. Maybe she doesn't want kids? Perhaps her $200 million fortune and friendship with Courteney Cox is enough. (That'd certainly be enough for me.)
1. Theroux was upset after finding Post-it notes Pitt wrote Aniston back in the day
The Us Weekly editors are clearly watching a little too much Berger-era Sex and the City because the friggin' Post-it notes foiled yet another blond comedy star's relationship. Aside from it being absurd, just think about the logistics: These are supposedly Post-it notes from 20 years ago, so they probably wouldn't be legible in 2018—if they even exist, period. You mean to tell me Aniston hung on to little slips of paper with Pitt's sappy scribbles for this long…and they're not damaged at all? I wrote a sticky note to myself two days ago, and it's nowhere to be found now. Next.
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