James Comey, the 12-foot-tall former FBI Director whose role in our current nightmare will one day be the subject of a very interesting podcast you'll pretend to have listened to, is really trying it today.
You may be aware that today is April Fools' Day, better known as the worst possible day on the internet, apart from every other day. You can tell it's April Fools' Day because your email inbox is full of random messages about weird new products from brands you don't remember ever purchasing. If you love having your leg pulled by the company you hired to clean your gutters five years ago, today is your lucky day. For the rest of us, it's just another apocalypse. And in 2019, no apocalypse is complete without normcore Thanos, James Comey, playing a subdued yet somehow still infuriating role.
Just, ugh, look at this:
I’m in. We need someone in the middle. #2020 pic.twitter.com/IGt69bEQz1- James Comey (@Comey) April 1, 2019
First of all, do not even joke about throwing your hat into the ring for the presidency. According to the latest figures, one in every nine Americans is already running for President. J.K. Rowling just revealed that Professor Snape is considering a run, and also that he voted for Brexit. It's a mess.
Secondly, how dare you? That's it. That's the whole question.
Number three! Is he serious with this? I mean, clearly he's not serious, but also...read the room. And by "the room" I mean, "the country," and by "the country" I mean "that burning room from the 'This Is Fine' cartoon." The joke here seems to be that James Comey should definitely not run for president, and that would be funny if the person who most should not run for president wasn't already president.
Four! James Comey, owner of the world's tallest pair of khaki pants, really went out to the middle of a street beside the Field of Dreams for a photo shoot. What in the bipartisan hell? This is the most distressing thing I've seen on a deserted random road since the police car showed up at the end of Get Out. I need to talk about this image in therapy. Thanks a lot.
Fifth of all! How are you going to post an April Fools' joke at 3:58 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time? Why is this happening so late? Haven't we suffered enough today? I believe it's in the Geneva Convention that all April Fools' jokes have to launch before the President finishes tweeting about Fox & Friends. I don't make the rules. The nation had just settled into a false sense of security, having side-stepped fake movie news, fake celebrity baby news, and the Mueller Report, only to be surprised with this?! Guillotine.
Six. Okay, actually, this is a pretty good prank. Love to be terrified by the news. What a time to be alive.
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