Jackie Goldschneider Says We're Still Shaming Moms Who Don't Cook, and It Needs to Stop
On the top shelf of my kitchen pantry sits a six-quart reminder of my failures as a mother. A stainless steel indication that there’s more I should be doing for my children, even though I devote my life to their happiness. An appliance that represents other people’s ideals about the right way to fulfill my duties as a mother.
It’s my slow cooker, and I hate it.
It was the worst holiday gift my husband ever gave me. I’d haphazardly mentioned that if I had a Crock-Pot, maybe I’d cook, which he lovingly took as a hint. By the way, I was lying. Months passed before either of us even opened the box, and after he excitedly used it a few times to prepare delicious meals that made my kids hold their noses and ask how many more bites they had to eat, he gave up, too.
I hate cooking. I have no interest in cooking, and I don’t have any chef-like instinct or skill. Also, I don’t want to spend any part of my busy day near a stove. I’ve got lots of kids to feed and drive to school in the morning, and if I have five minutes to choose between coffee and prepping ingredients for the slow cooker, I’m choosing coffee every time.
But many people won’t accept that a mother doesn’t cook for her children. They insist that I just haven’t tried their recipe, the one that takes just a few minutes (no, it doesn’t), and ends with the balsamic chicken falling off the bone or the short rib melting in your mouth. They’re astounded that I don’t even try, and that the one thing that’s most sacred — ensuring that my children thrive with fresh food and proper nutrition — is not a priority for me. (Their words, not mine.)
I’ve become a master sandwich-maker, a prepared food-picking guru, and queen of the microwave, and, for that, people assume that my kids are eating garbage.
But I know they’re not. I know they eat nutritious meals, have tons of energy, and are at healthy weights, so why does society insist that moms chop, roast, and slow cook for their kids?
“The pressure for moms to cook comes from a stereotype of parenting roles, and despite those roles somewhat shifting, cooking is still considered to be the mother’s responsibility,” says Jennifer Politis, Ph.D., a family psychologist and parenting specialist in New Jersey. “Being a good mother is caring for your kids and making sure their needs are met. If one of those needs is providing food and healthy meals, then the ‘how’ shouldn’t matter.”
Dr. Politis feels the pressure to cook goes back to the “supermom mentality,” where women have to do everything a certain way for it to be right. “But being true to yourself and the things you enjoy, or don’t enjoy, is an important lesson to model for your kids,” she says, adding that self-care involves spending your time in ways that make you happy. “If you don’t like to cook, you shouldn’t feel forced to cook,” she says. “So much of being a mom is navigating what works best for your family.”
Julene Stassou, a registered dietitian and author of The Mediterranean Diet Weight Loss Solution, sees this pressure firsthand, with busy clients constantly worrying about what — and how — to feed their kids. “With all of the cooking shows, Instagram posts, and Pinterest recipes, there’s way too much stress on moms to cook a healthy meal every night,” she says, noting that society worries too much about what gets placed on the table and not enough about what happens around the table. “It’s really easy to put a healthy dinner on the table with very little effort, and little-to-no cooking.”
First, Stassou advises stocking your kitchen with staples. “Cooked proteins, whole grains, fresh dairy, and frozen fruits and vegetables can easily be paired together to create tons of healthy dishes,” she says. Among her many suggestions are:
Pair a low-sodium can of chicken vegetable soup with pasta or whole grain crackers and a glass of milk.
Top a great piece of bread with avocado and a protein, like an egg or cheese.
Make breakfast for dinner, like scrambled eggs with cheese, veggies, and a side of whole grain bread, or frozen French toast with turkey bacon.
Bake a potato and let your kids add cheese, a cooked protein, and their favorite veggies or sauce.
And don’t feel bad about being a microwave queen, Stassou says. “Frozen fruits and vegetables are picked at their prime and flash-frozen, so they contain maximum amounts of nutrients,” she explains, adding that not all prepared foods at the supermarket counter are as fresh, “like there’s a chef peeling garlic in the back.”
Ask questions so you avoid foods that are highly processed, she advises. “Rotisserie chicken is great because you know it is fresh and there’s usually a time stamp on it. You can make a sweet potato and heat some frozen vegetables, and you have a full meal. Throw the leftovers into soup or salad the next day.”
Stassou says there’s no shame in turkey sandwiches with veggies and cheese, or a bowl of low-sugar, high-fiber cereal with skim milk and a banana. She adds that nowadays almost every fast-food restaurant and takeout place offers healthy options or will modify meals to suit your dietary preferences.
“The bottom line is that parents don’t need to slave over a hot stove anymore to feed their family a healthy meal,” she says. “We need to stop associating cooking with being a good parent because that notion is outdated and not true at all.”
That’s a fact, and I know it firsthand, because my home is filled with healthy, energetic kids, tons of happiness, and loads of love. But what it’s almost never filled with is the smell of my home cooking.
And for that, I think we’re all better off.
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