I Swore Off Dating After A Toxic Relationship Two Years Ago, And Being Single Has Taught Me More About Myself Than I Actually Expected
Hi! I'm Fabiana — a 28-year-old gal who shockingly doesn't mind chatting about relationships and dating — despite being single AF.
Last year, I wrote a post about how weird and wild the online dating game is — and was really surprised by the responses. It seemed to connect with a lot of people, and many readers reached out to me directly telling me so.
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ICYMI, here's the recap: In early 2021, I was newly single and decided to once again try out dating apps after being off them for a year. Well, the experience was just as shitty as I somewhat expected and remembered it to be. Highlights included a guy who stood me up on a FaceTime date and then lied about his dog dying. I really cringe thinking back to that time.
The positive thing that came out of me going through that experience was that I was able to write about it and relate to so many other people going through a similar situation. My hope is that the post helped some people realize that dating during these times is very bizarre — and in no way should you take any of it personally.
Fast forward to now: I figured why not write about and explain where my head is currently at with dating because let's face it, on social media (especially TikTok), dating — and being single — seems like it's being talked about more often than ever.
As you might have guessed, I have been off dating apps since my previous online dating post — so for a total of two years now — and I am as single and happy as can be. I realize that I'm at that age where a lot of people around me — friends or social media acquaintances — are in relationships, getting engaged, walking down the aisle, or posing with their partners in front of their newly bought house or condo. (I know, even in this economy!)
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While I am incredibly happy and supportive of what my friends and/or peers are doing, I know in my heart I am choosing what's best for me, right now. It's easy to think that I'm close to my 30s and I should be settling down, but my response to that? Fuck it! Because in all honesty, I don't have any sort of timeline, and I stopped feeling any sort of pressure to experience life milestones by a certain age a longgggg time ago.
Now, before you slide in my DMs pitching your cousin's boyfriend's friend who is single as a potential prospect for me, I am here to explain why I am fully loving and embracing single life as an almost 29-year-old woman. Let's keep in mind that my goal here is not to sound anti-relationship, but to help people realize that being single at whatever age is normal and quite empowering.
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Note: When it comes to dating, everyone has to do what is best for them. If you're someone who is in a happy relationship, marriage, or any sort of partnership at whatever age, more power to you! It's important to keep in mind that these are my personal opinions and experiences, but I do hope that sharing them will be helpful to some.
On that note, here are all the things (lessons?) I have learned and embraced while being single.
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1.I am able to solely focus on my wants and needs.
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I was in a serious relationship during my early 20s, and then not too long after that breakup, I found myself in another relationship. Looking back on that time in my life, I would've done a lot of things differently, but hey, we can't regret things we can only learn from them! Those relationships had significant impacts on my life, good and bad. To be frank, I lost a bit of myself in the more recent relationship. And then shortly after that breakup, we had a pandemic — so all of that turmoil made for the perfect storm for me to feel quite lost.
I've been using my time as a single person wisely by making decisions solely for myself and my needs. I'm sure some can relate to this, but when I was in romantic relationships, I gave a lot of myself to them.
I was constantly filling up my partners' cups while leaving mine empty. I was watering someone else's flowers but not mine. I can go on and on with these sayings, but you get my point. I was emotionally drained from these relationships. So I figured it's about damn time I start doing things that fill my cup so I can be the best version of myself now — and when I do eventually want to seriously date.
2.I have learned how to find true happiness within myself.
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After dating someone seriously for a while and becoming newly single, you are kind of like a deer in headlights — at least in my personal experience. I had to get reacquainted with myself and almost relearn what makes me happy, and what my wants and needs are. I stepped out of my comfort zone way more in recent years. I experienced my first ever month-long solo trip, I made new friends, and I even took up new hobbies.
I'm not saying these things can't be done when you're in a relationship but rather than relying on someone else to make me happy, I relearned how to find happiness in myself again. As the queen, Megan Thee Stallion, once rapped, "Ladies, love yourself 'cause this shit could get ugly." Need I say more?
3.I'm careful about who I give my time and energy to.
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A lot of my TikTok FYP coincidentally is filled with videos of girls talking about being single and not letting anyone's son be their headache. While I giggle at a lot of these videos, I also nod my head in agreement because they're accurate.
I sadly experienced a toxic relationship and I remember many sleepless nights where I was filled with anxious thoughts and worries over someone who truly wasn't worth my time and energy. Rather than making myself a priority, I was spending way too much time on this person — who really I should've ended things with way sooner.
Reflecting back on that time in my life, I am more selective about who I want to give my time and energy to now that I've matured into a more confident version of myself. I'm at a place in life where I won't go on just any date or overthink a situation with a guy because all that time spent worrying over nothing is less time I am focusing on other more important things, like work, family, friends, and yes, myself.
4.I am able to reflect on past relationships and learn what I want — and don't want — out of a partner.
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Choosing to have time to myself to be in my thoughts and learning how to reflect back on past relationships (thanks to therapy) allows me to recognize what went wrong in the past, and what I want and don't want in a future partner. Also, being single has given me the space to learn what I did wrong in past relationships. It definitely takes two to tango sometimes. I know I have my own flaws that I brought into past relationships that I have since worked on.
5.I recognize my worth and have vowed to myself to never settle.
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It's a bit easier said than done, but it's important to never let loneliness cause you to settle for anything less than what you deserve. I've heard from one too many female friends that they were tired of going on first dates, tired of texting a guy for him to maybe ghost them, and everything else that is currently happening in the dating world of today. As a result, I watched these people rush into relationships that they aren't entirely happy in or are ignoring a lot of red flags just to be able to say they are dating someone.
I give this advice (to myself) and friends often: know your worth, recognize you're a catch, and it's important to find someone that matches your energy and confidence.
6.Everyone has their own timeline.
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I know this can sound cliche but: comparison is the thief of joy. I've learned with experience that you cannot scroll Instagram and watch other people achieve certain things in life and make yourself feel bad if you're not achieving the same.
I think it's great to dream big, have a plan, and take actionable steps to achieve said goals. But I make sure not to put too much pressure on myself to hit certain milestones. Coming out of a difficult time these past two years, I learned that life is full of setbacks and life is not a linear straight line. I'm going to let the chips fall where they may and not stress about where I'm at in life compared to others.
Overall, I'm happy with where I'm at in my dating life.
I think being single is a really healthy and necessary experience. Am I open to dating and meeting people? Definitely! Am I putting a lot of stock right now into dating and trying to meet the right person for me? Not really. I'm choosing myself right now and focusing on things that I can control.
Just to iterate though, everyone and their dating experiences are different — so it's important to listen to your gut, do what's best for you, and embrace wherever stage you're at in your love life.
