Ivan Lam Reveals How Makeup Helps Him Explore Femininity and Masculinity

Although Pride celebrations look different this month — shifting from parades to Zoom parties — the makeup is sure to be the same: colorful, fanciful, and fun. We asked five makeup artists and creators to share their dream Pride looks and how they're using makeup as an artistic medium to not only explore their identities but also cope during this difficult time in our new series, Pride in Place.

In 2017, Ivan Lam started his beloved beauty YouTube channel, sharing skin-care tips and how to recreate makeup looks from his favorite K-pop stars. Over the past three years, he's racked up almost half a million subscribers and created a space for the representation he always wanted for himself. From his home in Los Angeles, Lam tells allure.com's beauty editor Devon Abelman how his baby's breath-adorned flushed cheeks represent how makeup helps him explore not only his queer identity but also femininity and masculinity. 

Growing up, I was taught to hide any sort of femininity or softness, in general. Blush, pink tones, and florals, in particular, have always been traditionally associated more with softness and femininity. I really tried not to show a lot of that when I was growing up. After a while, I got to a place where I tried to reconcile with that and tried to heal that part of me where I felt like anything feminine was just not desirable. I think I'm still on that path of being comfortable with it.

Until 24, 25, I was very masculine: V-necks, cargo shorts, not wearing makeup, and just gyming all the time. There's nothing wrong with that, but I wasn't as fully expressed as I am now. I still feel like I'm not fully expressed. Step by step, day by day, I'm still getting more comfortable with what I want to present myself as.

I'm doing all I can with my makeup to feel more like me  — more complete. A lot of times, it's a weird thing to be in the queer space. The way I want to express myself and the way I want to feel loved, like external love and validation, are very different. When it comes to dating, I have a wall up, still wanting to present more masculine or boyish. But when it comes to my artistry, I do want to present a little bit more feminine. I just love being soft: floral tone, blush tones; I'm very comfortable with that. So in my brain, these sides are always conflicting.

When I was 19, I saw a tutorial of somebody putting lace on their face and eye shadow over it. Then, they took the lace off, and there was an eye shadow design. I was like, "Wow, that's so pretty. I'm going to do that." I did it for a Lady Gaga concert. That was my entryway to using makeup, but I had the safety of saying, "Oh, I only wore this for a concert," versus proudly wearing makeup out. For once, I looked at myself and was like, "Oh wow. This is art." After the concert, I slowly played with eyebrow pencils, then eye shadows and nude blush and lips.

Because I grew up wanting to go to school for nutritional science, there was not a lot of room for error in science and math. There's no subjectivity. Makeup and creativity was always a way to express myself in ways I couldn't in school and work. As a whole person, I believe you need any kind of outlet to express yourself. Art is always political. If it is not, it's just indulgent. That might be really extreme, but art should say something about you or the current social climate. Otherwise, why is it there?

At 28, I'm still figuring it all out. I don't want to be at the point in my life in the future where I look back and think I didn't try to push myself. I've been taking this time while sheltering in place to be like, "OK, well, I can't do anything else, so I might as well be comfortable with what's going on here and play with it." To me, makeup is very important, and expression is very important. Makeup is one way I can express myself, but in the end, I do remind myself that makeup is pigment that can be washed off.

I don't want to put too much importance in attaching myself to makeup. People take everything too seriously and not seriously enough, and I want to be in that middle ground. Even in the makeup world, when makeup tutorials were really, really big at one point, I felt like I wasn't really welcomed or seen in the space because it was more like, you gotta look flawless. You gotta color-correct this. You gotta hide this. You gotta contour this. 

For queer people, there are so many things people are already saying are wrong with them. I can't have myself or another person telling me that I have to contour my nose or my double chin. There's already so much pressure. To add that flawless pressure on myself, I couldn't do that to anyone as well. 

I do makeup tutorials, but I refrain from telling people that this is the way you have to do things because, all in all, you can do whatever you want. You should do whatever makes you the freest and happiest and most comfortable.

One thing that's so amazing about this journey of loving my queer self is I feel very free. I don't feel bound to wear this forever. I am confident that in two years I won't be this person because I know I'm able to break away from the binary of what I'm supposed to be as a person. I'm really proud of that because learning transcends your knowledge and the fluidity of being able to break through what society sees you as is so important in learning. It breaks through your ego, breaks through how you express yourself, what you are taking in. I love that right now for myself.

Read more stories from the Pride in Place project: 

• Pradaolic Shares How Her Queerness Drives Her Popular Makeup Looks

• Makeup Taught Me How to Have Pride in Being Queer and Disabled

• How This Atlanta Artist Uses Makeup to Represent Their Gender-Fluid Identity

Now, watch Billy Porter surprise a fan: 

Follow Devon Abelman on Twitter and Instagram.

Originally Appeared on Allure