Is it bad to vent around my kids? Here's what experts say
Recently, I repeated a bit of popular local gossip I had heard in front of my kids. I didn’t think much of it — it wasn’t something I particularly cared about, but I kept hearing it from others and just thoughtlessly spouted it off when the topic came up in our home. Much to my surprise, one of my kids took that info to their peers and relayed it as the gospel truth. This resulted in a confrontation with another adult where I had to — and needed to — apologize for contributing to the spread of untruth within our community. This led me to think more carefully about how, and what, I share in front of my young kids. For instance, is it OK to bitch about a teacher or a grandparent in front of our kids?
For some families, that answer is yes, says Tasha Brown. As a clinical psychologist who works with kids and families, she always lets parents know that every family system functions differently. Some families are “venters” and verbally process frustrations, while others are internal processors. Neither of these approaches are wrong — just different. If you are a family of verbal processors, you will need to teach your kids how to navigate different topics and give them a framework for understanding “family business.”
What type of venting can young kids handle?
For parents like me, who are prone to idle chatter as we move through our routines, it can be hard for young children — my four kids range between ages 4 and 11 — to understand what and when to talk about with others. “Kids are very literal,” says Brown, host of the Notes from a Child Psychologist podcast. “They don’t have the ability, that filter, that says, ‘Oh, maybe I shouldn't tell the doctor that my mom hates the teacher.’ It's not there yet, and it's not malicious. They just don’t understand yet.”
Brown shares an example of a child with a noisy pet that she asked be removed from the room during their telehealth therapy sessions. Her request was a practical one, but the child assumed she “hated” their pet. “They're still learning," she explains. "Those are social nuances that we take for granted as adults.”
For kids in elementary school and younger, even families who love to emotionally vomit their frustrations at home need to be pretty careful, says Brown. If you say that your kid has the worst teacher in history, there’s a good chance they will believe that is true — and repeat it at school. It’s important therefore to clearly state what the expectations are for kids who are still developing discernment skills.
“Sometimes when we get really upset, we can say, ‘I am upset so this is how I'm expressing it,’ or ‘I'm really frustrated, so this is why it's coming up and out,’” says Brown. “Make that connection between the feeling and the behavior. Then share how the problem is going to be solved or rectified so that they know it's this full-circle thing.”
This lets kids know that it's not just rambling, but processing a problem. It can be tricky to help young kids understand that some things are private conversations that do not leave the home. We teach kids to be honest and not tell lies, and telling them to not repeat something can feel a little disingenuous to some children. However, letting kids know that keeping some feelings private is a way to prevent hurt feelings helps them make sense of it. It’s not a lie; it's just private.
And if you are just rambling rather than seeking solutions? Say so. Brown provides the example of a grandparent ignoring a parent’s wishes. We can say, “Hey, I was upset with Grandma because I told her that I didn't want you to have pizza since we were already planning to go out, but she still took you to pizza. And sometimes when I'm frustrated, I yell about it. It doesn't mean that I don't love Grandma. I was just frustrated.” Stress to your child that expressing a frustration does not change the relationship with Grandma (or whoever you vented about). Just like a volcano, letting off a little steam often stops a full-blown explosion. Using a concrete example kids understand helps them connect grown-up actions to their own feelings.
What can you talk to older kids about?
As kids get older — think middle school and beyond — it is important to welcome them into family business in a more mature way, says Michelle Icard, the author of Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen and Middle School Makeover. We don’t need to treat tweens and tweens the same way we treat younger kids, she notes.
“As kids get older parents can and should speak with their children at increased levels of maturity, which can include deeper insight into family dynamics,” says Icard. “This follows the natural course of a developing parent-child relationship. Parents will need to gauge when their child is ready for this kind of conversation and when they should back off and wait.”
If your big kid hears you spouting off about their grandfather, a clue that they are ready to handle grown-up conversations might be their reaction to your words. “If your son says, ‘You were acting mad at Grandpa at lunch,’ it's not helpful to deny it,” says Icard. “You'll send your son confusing signals and may create distrust in how he perceives you.” Instead, talking candidly about how you handle hard emotions builds older kids’ emotional intelligence.
What should parents look out for while venting?
Teaching your kids how to process things by involving them in adult conversations is one thing, but using them as a sounding board is totally different, says Icard. “If you focus on how you're managing the difficulty of an experience or relationship, that will help your child learn how to cope by way of your example,” she says.
But sharing traumatic events as a cautionary tale or sounding off about raw emotions regularly isn’t really that helpful. This can stress even big kids out — or cause them to worry too much about your own well-being. “Answer your child's questions directly — but with only the level of detail you'd share with a colleague or neighbor, and not a best friend," Icard adds. "Kids take on their parents' worries and stresses, so be thoughtful about the impact your stories could have.”
Even if you’re a verbal processor, it’s also important to understand that some kids will just need you to rein it in, adds Brown. “If you're noticing there are certain things in your children that may point to the idea that maybe it's best that we monitor how we've been in front of them, really take those into consideration also because kids are going to react to different things in different ways.”
Ultimately, says Brown, it’s about keeping a close eye on your child and the situation. “Just make sure you keep it developmentally appropriate. Don’t put your child in the position where they have to process something in an adult way that they're not ready to.”
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