Instagram tells me Animal Cracker Protein Cheesecake will make me less fat
Every now and again, a wild notion will pop into my head.
"Hey, Adam. I bet you can watch what you eat, move your mostly useless body around a bit more than the not-at-all you do now, and you'll shed a bit of the excess weight you're sloughing around."
This is a lie. For some reason, though, I always believe it.
Being that I'm currently convincing myself of the validity of this fantasy, my social media accounts — in an effort to aid me in my, to use the current vernacular, "weight loss journey" (and also spend money on Temu) — have been helpfully shoveling a lot of fitness influencers in my face. That's right, I mistakenly lingered a few seconds too long over an Instagram reel of some dude making pancakes that will help maximize my protein while minimizing my toxins or some such and now my feeds across all 10 million of the social media platforms I've joined are showing me nothing but overpriced mail-based meal-prep services and people who insist I can burn more calories by picking my nose and subscribing to their channels than by running a marathon.
To think, some people believe we're currently living in some kind of anti-social dystopia. They need to settle in with another bowl of Overnight Oats and chill.
Every once in a while, though, among the relentless barrage of beautiful people telling me that eating egg yolks is akin to swallowing an entire Cold Stone Creamery, bricks and all, and that I could be meditating myself to a more productive day at the office, I'll spot a post that's actually kind of useful. The following recipe for Animal Cracker Protein Cheesecake, for instance.
Now, calling what forms during the creation of this recipe a "cheesecake" is a misnomer in the same way the descriptor "dad joke" is rarely used for jokes about dads. Nothing about this sweet treat is particularly cheesecake-like, save for the flavor. I suppose you could use it as filling for a proper cheesecake, but that goes beyond the bounds of what was presented to me in the Instagram post.
Quick note: The recipe calls for birthday-cake-flavored protein powder, which my local Walmart didn't carry. So, I picked what I thought would be a fair substitute — Froot Loops-flavored protein powder. Seemed to work out OK. I didn't melt into a puddle or anything.
I really dug this stuff. It's richer than Scrooge McDuck, quite filling and the people trying to influence me say that it's healthy. Of course, it wasn't all that long ago those same people were telling me my kitchen wouldn't be complete without a fast slow cooker and that I could wear a magic rock on my wrist to improve my agility, so who the heck knows?
Be sure to follow me for more recipes with a healthy pinch of cynicism.
Animal Cracker Protein Cheesecake
3/4 cup fat-free Greek yogurt
1/4 cup whipped cream cheese
1 to 1 1/2 scoop birthday cake or similarly delicious whey protein powder
1 tablespoon zero calorie sweetener (I used knockoff Splenda, but take your pick)
1 tablespoon sugar-free cheesecake pudding mix (I guess this is what makes this "cheesecake")
1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract
Pinch of salt
A few crushed frosted animal crackers, graham crackers, Teddy Grahams (my pick) or other crunchy topping
Toss everything (sans crunchy topping) into a big enough bowl and give it a few good stirs until well-blended. Resist the temptation to begin eating it now.
Pop the bowl in the freezer for around 10 minutes … just enough time for your blended mess to thicken somewhat, but not so much that you need a drill to extract a serving.
Remove the cold but not frozen bowl from the freezer and scoop your desired amount into a smaller, single-serving bowl. Crush up a few of whatever crunchy goodness you'd like to top this stuff with.
Eat it.
